Coping with Bi-Polar WAW

[CountingCrows]

Yep, running my mouth to my friend ended up rushing things MUCH faster than I wanted to happen. Very bad mistake on my part. Wrote the letter in a hurry with way too much emotion (and lack of intelligence and guidance) involved. Another mistake.

Wish I had done things differently, but what's done is done and all I can do is move on.

BTW...thanks for teaching me a new word today (supplicating).

[bluerain]

I think that this is the best place that you can go to to vent, or test out your letters, speeches etc, run it by us first!

And no where in there did I see where you were trying to even mention keeping her from your son. I think that that was a panic reaction that was meant to disarm you, exactly what it did, right?

Unfortunately, as long as there is a OM, none of the poignant, meaningful things that you can say will change her mind...


But I congratulate you for standing firm on not helping to finance this lifestyle that she is choosing.

[Serenity13]

(((CC)))

Looked like you could use a hug...
As for the letter, it was very nice however next time just write it here and leave it here (see my sitch where I wrote one just yesterday)...
It sucks period however listen to Puppy, he is correct in what he is saying...
I don't do anything concerning interaction with my H without running it by this board first, you want to know why?
Because usually what I am about to do is completely wrong.
It takes time and a boatload of patience I didn't even know I was capable of having.
Hang in there.

[CountingCrows]

Thanks BR, S13 and PDT for the advice, sentiments (and hugs). I had fully intended to post the letter this afternoon, thinking I had more time. When she called before she got off work, it really threw me off. Figured I still had several hours before she came over. As you can tell, I hadn't even had a chance to proofread the letter before I read it to her. I was stepping out of the shower, getting ready to come back to it when she called. Looking back, I should have just held off until I could run it past all of you. Guarantee I'll do that next time.

Yeah, the discussion swing regarding custody of our son definitely disarmed me. I had not prepared to discuss any of that at this time. I'm not trying to keep her from seeing s7. In fact, I'm all for her wanting to spend more quality time with him, as he's lacked that most of his life. It wasn't at all the point of what I was telling her. The letter was intended to address two things: first and foremost that OM had to be out of her life, and second, under these circumstances, I will not continue to finance her lifestyle as I had been since she moved out.

I met W this afternoon at neutral location without s7 to get her weekly "allowance" to her, and have her sign the card to completely remove her name from my account (was only able to disable the Debit card Friday...bluffed the rest to keep her from thinking she could do anything else with account). Also made her sign a sheet acknowledging the receipt of the cash, since I didn't do it by check this time. CYA-mode, I guess. She asked again about seeing s7 tomorrow. I told her that I'd bring him over at 1pm and he could stay until 6pm. She seemed pleased with that and said "That sounds fair". W asked if I was going to change the locks on the house, and said yes, probably tonight. Didn't want her over there anymore without me being there. She said she would have to get a storage unit and get her furniture out of the house, and I told her that "there is no rush. I'm not going to destroy it, throw it out of the house, sell it or anything". I just don't want her coming over while I'm at work and ransacking the place like my previous wife did while I was on a business trip, when I came back to a empty house. Told her I was going to terminate her "normal" cellphone, and she asked if I could give her through the weekend to call her family and get her contacts backed up. I agreed to wait until the beginning of the week. She's going to freak when she looks at her bank account and realizes that all the texts back/forth with OM has been costing her 15 cents a txt for over a week and her "secret phone" account has been bumping her acct by $11 almost daily to keep up with it. I didn't mention it, as I think it's appropriate for her to find that out herself.

Finally made it over to the bookstore tonight with s7 and picked up DB, DR and another called "Getting Back Together" that seemed geared towards separated couples heading fast towards the attys. Got a lot of reading/learning to do. Should have done it a week ago as soon as I discovered this forum.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

She's going to freak when she looks at her bank account and realizes that all the texts back/forth with OM has been costing her 15 cents a txt for over a week and her "secret phone" account has been bumping her acct by $11 almost daily to keep up with it. I didn't mention it, as I think it's appropriate for her to find that out herself.

Classsic......

Well-done, btw, under difficult circumstances. I'm glad -- for your sake -- that things are civil. Expect dramatic swings in either direction on this.

Puppy

[CountingCrows]

I don't expect things to stay civil for long. She didn't respond to anything that I mentioned about cutting off contact with OM, only focused on s7. She didn't try to deny or explain anything in response to what I said about her R with OM. She appears to have no intentions of discontinuing the R.

Last night, I was going to hit W's "secret phone" call records one more time to screen cap all of the activity, just in case I needed it in the future. She had changed her password on the phone account, but I managed to get into her e-mail account just in time to get the new PIN (and mark the message "unread"). Within minutes of getting the PIN, she changed the password on her e-mail so I no longer have access to it.

I noticed that in addition to the PIN change on her phone, she also changed the notification e-mail address to OM's email account and the "personal question" of What's Your Pet's Name to his dog's name.

I plan to screen capture all call/text records to files and then try to let it go. It's a card I'll hold close to my chest, but I don't think that I can handle looking at the call records every day. I know I need to move on, and start working on me.

I have to face W today. Dropping s7 off at her apt for a 5 hour visit. I want so badly to clarify the fact that I'm wasn't trying to say that I was going to keep her from s7, only that she had to get rid of OM and that I will not financially support her like I was knowing she's still having an A. Should I say anything, or just be cordial/light and not say anything?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

No need to say anything new today -- let it lie.

As for the PIN stuff -- GREAT INTEL! If she feels like she has successfully blocked you from seeing this, then you will be able to capture an accurate record of her UNRESTRAINED contact.

Do what I did on the snooping: discipline yourself to a regular interval, say 1x/week or 2x/month. And stick to it. Take a stiff drink if you have to on your assigned day, log in, capture the info, and print it to .pdf and save it in a safe spot.

Puppy

[CountingCrows]

Sunday night, W spent until nearly 2am texting with OM. She texted me at about 4:30am to let me know that she was not able to sleep and to call her at 7am to make sure she was up to come over and see s7 off to the bus. She was over Monday morning for him, obviously exhausted, but actually showed s7 a little more attention than usual. He's been problems focusing on his school work, and we had both worked with him on his advanced reading stuff over the weekend.

S7 came home yesterday very proud that he had received 100% on the testing of the books that his mother and I had worked with him on. After he finished his homework for Monday, I rewarded him with a "Family Movie Night", where we put blankets/pillows down in the living room, popped some popcorn and watched a really good animated movie together. Didn't hear anything from W all day. It was the 15th anniversary of the day we "got together".

Checked W's call records this morning. Noticed a change in W's call/text patterns yesterday. After spending all Sunday night texting with OM, she had limited contact with him throughout Monday. It was mostly incoming messages/calls from him. She seemed to be replying briefly and the voice calls were very short (less than 3 minutes). There was a big gap from the time she got off work at 7:30pm until nearly Midnight when he texted her twice without a response from her. Trying not to read anything into it, but just noticed the pattern change.

W goes to IC this morning. Wrote her a check to cover the co-pay expense, as I agreed to do. Was glad to hear she hadn't stopped going, as I wasn't sure she was still seeing C. I'd love to be a fly on the wall to hear W's version of what went down this weekend.

Trying to spend lots of time with s7. Been back in contact with several friends that I've lost touch with over the years. Was invited to a Thanksgiving get-together for people from my old high school the Saturday after TG. Will do everything I can to attend, as I could use the socializing, and it would be a good chance for s7 to spend the night with W.

I'm a tall thin guy, and I've had serious appetite problems these past weeks. I'm force feeding myself as often as possible to keep from losing too much weight, even to the point of adding Ensure Plus (350 calories!) and nutritional bars to my diet, in between my normal meals. Also starting back on 100 Pushups (http://hundredpushups.com/) program that I started this summer, but had to quit because of shoulder problems. Wish it wasn't getting dark about the time I get home at night, or s7 and I would start walking each night.

This morning, W showed up on time. Told her about s7's grades yesterday and that we had a movie night. Kept the conversation brief and focused on s7 and about our pets. She has a ferret that she hasn't been able to move to her apt. I love the ferret and don't mind taking care of her. I mentioned to W that I would like for her to clean the ferret's cage, but that she could keep her at home, since it would be next to impossible to have her at her apt. W also has a very sickly cat that we've been discussing euthanizing for months. We agreed this morning that we would do this very soon, and that we didn't want the body because we don't want s7 to have to go through the burial process. He had just done this in January with a beloved Pomeranian, and it was very hard on him.

Stepping up my efforts at work. Yesterday went by very fast, as I had a lot going on, and was able to focus a little better on my tasks at hand. Hope to keep up this trend, as I'm only a contractor (been with them almost 4 months), and really want to be hired on as a full time employee.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Good stuff, CC -- you're doing well. I'm sorry to hear about your cat. We had to put ours down two Christmases ago, and that's always very hard.

I would try to limit yourself to checking her phone logs 1x/week, if you can do that. Otherwise, you'll drive yourself crazy.

Puppy

[CountingCrows]

Yeah, I definitely need to quit checking call records as often. I guess I was just wanting to see if there was any change in her contact with him after my message to her this past weekend. Also, even though she doesn't realize that I have access to this phone log, I fear that she could change the PIN or number at any time, and I wouldn't be able to capture the logs. I know that I just need to let that go. Will try to set up a schedule for when I view/log these records, probably each weekend.