Getting Un"Stuck" - Giving My Burden to God

[MrBond]

Journaling:
Well last night was our anniversary. My W had picked up the kids at school since she had a half day and was at the house when I came home. She seemed distant and just gave short one word answers.

I asked her if she wanted to hang out for dinner, but she said "no", kissed the girls goodnight and said she'd be back in the morning to watch them since I had to work today.

I didn't mention the day to her, but I'm pretty sure it was on her mind which explains her "shut off" mode. Before she left, I gave her a hug and told her to take care. It wasn't a needy hug, it was more of a "I'm sorry what you're going through" kind of thing.

After she left, I ordered a pizza and watched a video with the kids in bed until we all fell asleep. Before I watched the video, I called my friend to say I couldn't talk tonight and I'd see her tomorrow. She totally understood the sitch with the kids since she was a product of D'd parents herself.

So this morning my W is at the house while I was still in bed. I got up, took a shower and on my way out, I told her "good morning" and talked to her about what we did last night and a few housekeeping things she needed to take care of. She was in a much lighter mood than last night. Then on my way out, I kissed her on the forehead and left. I also asked her to leave a light on for me before she left since I was going out tonight.

As I was going out the door, she told me to have a good day and to drive safely. This is something she hadn't told me in well over a year.

So tonight I'm going out with my friend for a bit to grab a bite to eat. Right now I'm in a pretty good place.

[confusedinpa]

No doubt Stuck!

My "ex??"-friend had issues with abuse in both her marriages so I really think she now very gun shy of relationships. We had spent many nites talking about the issues, but she said/seemed ready. Guess once we started getting "serious" (hard to say that as we had only been together 3 weeks and we broke up for 1 week during that time) it pushed her over the edge. But that's mind reading on my part and we've all learned that we can't/shouldn't do that... right? :-)

Ironically, when we broke up the first time, I used a DB principle of "acting as if..." we were still good (we still texted/emailed hot and heavy after we broke up the first time). Then when we saw each other, it was all good.

Then we broke up for "good" the second time where she said she wants to be free and single and wants us to go back to being friends. I went dark (no text/email at all) for about a week. That's when I got the email from her Sat about midnite. Since then, we've had some really light texting sessions (she's a big texter, we very rarely talk on the phone, guess that seems to be the trend now a days with people). I always ended it first and would ask her open ended questions that could not be answered with yes/no when I would respond.

So we'll see how it goes from there.

So has anyone tried transfering DB/DR principles into the dating world? Curious if it could work.....

[MrBond]

In my case it definitely did. When I didn't call or talk to my friend because I was busy with the kids or the W, she valued the time that we did have together that much more. So the connection was built quickly from there.

She thought I was extremely interesting and that my W was a fool to leave me. Oh yeah and all the things about validating and listening definitely helped too. I just let her do alot of the talking and validated what she was saying. Not really offering suggestions.

Even the stuff about how to read body language that I learned helped so I was "in tune" with how she was reacting to our conversations.

DB-ing definitely helped with that. I think our WASs have an anti-DB shield up.

[MrBond]

Well Tuesday was our "Anti-versary" and I had flowers delivered to my W on Thursday to commemorate the event. She called to say 'thank you'. Other than that it's business as usual with her with short interactions only dealing with the kids.

In the meantime, I've been going out with my friend for the past couple of days for just dinner after work and we're getting pretty close. I feel bad because I know I can't commit fully into a R with her because in the end I still would want the M to work and I KNOW with a little bit of effort on my W's part, it would be a great M.

However since she is still on her D path, I'm just going forward with my own life. I see my friend again tonight and my W tomorrow.

With all this drama going on, it is nice to meet someone who validates everything we've learned here DBing.

[MrBond]

Any one else find out using the dating scene now?

[v1olin]

Stuck, I flat out told my wife that I had gone on a date and that I was going to continue dating other people. She acted like she was happy for me, well, she said she was anyways...


That was 3 weeks ago. I have gone totaly dark since then. I only see her when I drop the kids off and I only say Hi and bye. At this point I dont know what else to do but get on with my life.

[Gardener]

Stuck,

Any one else find out using the dating scene now?

Just starting to look into it now. It's been a while. I even got shot down on the phone tonight not 1 hr. ago!
Hell, even that's progress!

[confusedinpa]

Stuck,

Any one else find out using the dating scene now?

Just starting to look into it now. It's been a while. I even got shot down on the phone tonight not 1 hr. ago!
Hell, even that's progress!

On the phone? At least you got her number! That's something!

[sandi2]

Well Tuesday was our "Anti-versary" and I had flowers delivered to my W on Thursday to commemorate the event. She called to say 'thank you'. Other than that it's business as usual with her with short interactions only dealing with the kids.

It's been a few days since the aniversary, so I hope you've laid low and not contacted her in any way other than exchanging the kids back & forth. I have seen in some other member's posts where it is very easy to have the children as a handy "excuse" to contact their S, but I'm sure you know not to do that. Since I have not been in those shoes, I can only imagine how difficult it must be.

In the meantime, I've been going out with my friend for the past couple of days for just dinner after work and we're getting pretty close. I feel bad because I know I can't commit fully into a R with her because in the end I still would want the M to work and I KNOW with a little bit of effort on my W's part, it would be a great M.

If you have been up front with your friend about your M status and she is aware that you are not looking for any commitment in a new R, then I'd be sure to keep things light and casual. The main thing that concerns me is that you don't get emotionally involved out of a rebound situation. You haven't yet, but it "could" happen if you're not watchful. I also wonder if you feel a bit guilty and feel that you may be "using" your friend by trying to move forward with your life. If she is willing to see you on these bases, then if you see signs of her getting serious or wanting to move it to the next level.....just gently remind her of how you feel. Just be careful, Stuck.

With all this drama going on, it is nice to meet someone who validates everything we've learned here DBing.

I'm sure it must be refreshing at the least. But......as a female, let me remind you of something, okay? Valadating a man is about the oldest flirtatious ways that women have in getting the man pulled into a R with her. Many women do this.....Then, they get M and the man wonders what happen to that woman who was always valadating him! I have seen it played out over and over. So, enjoy it....but be careful that you don't get drawn "web".

[MrBond]

Hi Sandi,

Thanks for checking in. Well I haven't really contact my W for anything. In fact my 6y.o. D told her it was our Anniversary and she told my D that she "forgot". Unbelievable how insensitive she's become to my D's feelings.

Over the weekend, we saw each other at our D's soccer tournament. Since she couldn't be there the whole time, I suggested we all go out to dinner at Chuck E. Cheese. My W was a little reluctant but said 'okay'. While we were waiting at home, my D told her she wanted her to watch a special video with her. It was the video of our wedding. As she was getting it ready, my W got up and went into the other room to watch tv. Needless to say my D was very sad about my W's reaction. I told my D that mom wasn't ready for it and reassured her that mom still loved her.

I was pretty peeved and told my W about it yesterday. I told her that she's still acting like an insensitive child to our kids' needs and how her actions have shown that. She said she understood and that was that. I would never guess that the person who walks around in that body of hers is really her.

Meanwhile, my friend and I have been getting pretty close. No intimacy yet, but I told her that I've pretty much left everything up to God at this point and if we feel like we are getting closer (for the right reasons), then we'll take it to the next step.

I've been thinking long and hard about whether or not this is a rebound relationship. I don't think so and I've been prepping myself mentally and emotionally to see if this is what I really want to do. She's a great person and I really feel attracted to her. I've just been so emotionally drained by my W, that I don't have any "strong" feelings for anything. I do know that if I were single with I would have gone after this person in a heartbeat.