Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

It's just funny how the days are so up and down. Have girls this weekend and it's going to be a full, full time. D10 had swim meet today and I dropped D7 off at W's house because she'd be bored to tears sitting through 90 races. Tomorrow we go to Wisconsin Dells for two days.

Seeing W in the morning was tough. I think I handled it well. She has a new Ab Circle thingy because she's trying to get back in shape. The girls were trying it out and we were smiling at each other.

Then D10 and I left and she asked a bit on the way about things. Even though I'm supposed to focus on the now and my time with them, I was having a tough time not thinking about W.

I talked to my aunt on the phone for a bit and I was telling her about my week and how weirdly down I've been. It's like I'm a teenager again wondering if anyone will ever love me. I also keep thinking about W and wonder if she NEVER admits I wasn't the problem and that she did love me if I'll be able to handle that?

Will I have these feeling of rejection forever?

After the meet, I picked up D7 from a sitter -- W headed out early -- and we went to church. The pastor was preaching about Nicodemis and how he accepted Jesus late in life and was born again.

I know you are supposed to trust the path, but I was sitting there wondering if the path doesn't include W then what's the point? Does that mean the past 13 years were all a mirage? Life will be so much more complicated and -- as I sit here now -- so much less full if it isn't W and the girls and I.

I wish my parents were still alive so I could talk to them about it. My dad really fell apart after the D and a week ago I was doing pretty good and now I feel like I'm going downhill instead of uphill.

It's after church and the girls -- plus a friend of theirs -- are over and they are playing in the other room. I'm feeling better with them here to share the night. Tomorrow will be great, but do these mood swings ever totally go away?