Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

Did better last night seeing W. She worked late so I picked girls up and took them swimming. After, D10 had to be at school early for a rehearsal and W couldn't take her so she let D10 stay with me.

D10 was excited because that means she's with me Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday (teacher institute day).

D10 finished up an art project and then we had a long talk. She started it by asking "daddy, what will happen if you do get divorced."

I don't know if I'm handling this right. W refuses to talk to her at all about it. I told her that nothing's been filed so there's still hope. Even if something does get filed, it doesn't mean it will actually happen. And if we do get divorced, some people get back together after a few years of looking.

I printed out the 25 Do's and Don'ts for LBSs several months ago. It's on my kitchen counter so I can refer to it occasionally.

D10 saw it last night and asked me about it. I told her that three years ago, when W started having doubts, I did all the wrong things. I kept trying to pull her back and instead it pushed her away and now I'm trying to give her as much space and time as she needs.

She seemed to understand.

She really wants us to get back together. This is going to be the tragedy of her childhood. I'm trying to comfort her, but she -- like me -- may be holding on to too much hope.

Here's a thing I keep wondering about, does it really matter what the people around W wants? At church last week, they were talking about influences. If you surround yourself with good influences, you tend to stay on the right path. If you surround yourself with bad influences, well ...

I know the girls want her to give me another chance. Her mom is likely in my corner. Her sisters are not. Her bestfriend, who she's seen a couple times since we split, probably is in my corner. I'm not sure about her second best friend. Her work friends are a bunch of divorcees who are likely feeding her the line about how great it is to be single. And she's gone out at least once with a friend who has been divorced twice, just jumped out of a long-term relationship and apparently experienced "love at first site."

[awest1217]

Glad that last night went well, and have a terrific time at the Dells! It will be great. Also good job talking to D10. She deserves to have some security in knowing what will happen. You could also tell her that you seeing her won't change, which may be what she is worried about. If you let her know that you will always be with her and reassure her, that will help.

Have a great time!

[motherof3]

IMHO, your conversation with D was a great start. It is good that she is at least speaking to you about it.

I also think that your daughter needs to hear from you that you will love and spend time with her no matter how things end up. It is also very important that she understands that your R sitch is not her fault. Too often the kids tend to feel that only if they would have done x, or didn't do x, etc.

[ClingingToHope]

Too often the kids tend to feel that only if they would have done x, or didn't do x, etc.

That's one thing I've done well, we'll be talking about things and I'll tell them -- that's something I didn't do well with your mom.

Such as advice. D10 was giving me advice one day -- I can't remember on what -- and I kind of dismissed it and then I told her I was sorry, I did that to her mom. I'm quick to give advice but when someone gives it to me I tend to discount it. I told her I've always been too smart for my own good and am trying to change.

[ClingingToHope]

It's just funny how the days are so up and down. Have girls this weekend and it's going to be a full, full time. D10 had swim meet today and I dropped D7 off at W's house because she'd be bored to tears sitting through 90 races. Tomorrow we go to Wisconsin Dells for two days.

Seeing W in the morning was tough. I think I handled it well. She has a new Ab Circle thingy because she's trying to get back in shape. The girls were trying it out and we were smiling at each other.

Then D10 and I left and she asked a bit on the way about things. Even though I'm supposed to focus on the now and my time with them, I was having a tough time not thinking about W.

I talked to my aunt on the phone for a bit and I was telling her about my week and how weirdly down I've been. It's like I'm a teenager again wondering if anyone will ever love me. I also keep thinking about W and wonder if she NEVER admits I wasn't the problem and that she did love me if I'll be able to handle that?

Will I have these feeling of rejection forever?

After the meet, I picked up D7 from a sitter -- W headed out early -- and we went to church. The pastor was preaching about Nicodemis and how he accepted Jesus late in life and was born again.

I know you are supposed to trust the path, but I was sitting there wondering if the path doesn't include W then what's the point? Does that mean the past 13 years were all a mirage? Life will be so much more complicated and -- as I sit here now -- so much less full if it isn't W and the girls and I.

I wish my parents were still alive so I could talk to them about it. My dad really fell apart after the D and a week ago I was doing pretty good and now I feel like I'm going downhill instead of uphill.

It's after church and the girls -- plus a friend of theirs -- are over and they are playing in the other room. I'm feeling better with them here to share the night. Tomorrow will be great, but do these mood swings ever totally go away?

[Gardener]

CTH,

Will I have these feeling of rejection forever?

NO!

I wish my parents were still alive so I could talk to them about it. My dad really fell apart after the D and a week ago I was doing pretty good and now I feel like I'm going downhill instead of uphill.

"Talk" to Dad (and Mom), anyway. Here is a song John Denver wrote about his father after his father died. They were very close. (color emphases mine):

On The Wings Of A Dream

by John Denver

Yesterday I had a dream about dying, about laying to rest and then flying,
how the moment at hand is the only thing we really own.
And I lay in my bed and I wondered, after all has been said and is done for,
why is it thus we are here and so soon we are gone?
Is this life just a path to the place that we all have come from?
Does the heart know the way and if not, can it ever be found
in a smile or a tear or a prayer or a sigh or a song?

And if so, then I sing for my father, and in truth, you must know I would rather
he were here by my side, we could fly on the wings of a dream.
To a place where the spirit would find us and the joy and surrender would bind us.
We are one anyway, anyway we are more than we seem.
There are those who will lead us, protect us each step of the way.
From beginning to end, for each moment, forever, each day.
Such a gift has been given, it can never be taken away.

Though the body in passing must leave us, there is one who remains to receive us.
There are those in this life who are friends from our heavenly home.
So I listen to the voices inside me, for I know they are there just to guide me.
And my faith will proclaim it is so, we are never alone.
From the life to the light, from the dark of the night to the dawn,
he is so in my heart, he is here, he could never be gone.
Though the singer is silent, there still is the truth of the song, in the song.

Yesterday I had a dream about dying, about laying to rest and then flying,
how the moment at hand is the only thing we really own.
And I lay in my bed and I wondered, after all has been said and is done for,
why is it thus we are here and so soon we are gone?
Oh, why is it thus we are here and so soon we are gone?

Tomorrow will be great

Yes, CTH, it will.

[mishka422]

It's like I'm a teenager again wondering if anyone will ever love me.

I hear ya. It's a tough thought to get past, but you will.

Will I have these feeling of rejection forever?

No. It will eventually fade as you find ways to fill your life and your time.

Tomorrow will be great, but do these mood swings ever totally go away?

They will become less extreme. Think about it though, in your life pre-bomb were your moods completely stable all the time? Did you live in a constant hum or was it still up and down but not as big a swing?

Think of your life in terms of a stereo equalizer. If you were to label each bar of the equalizer as different parts of your life and look at it before D entered your life it would look fairly even with just a few 'bass' blips here and there. Now though, facing the possibility of D, the bar labeled 'emotions' is booming like a car with major subwoofers and the distribution to the other areas of your life is suffering for it. You just have to take some time to get your bass back under control!

I don't know if I explained that very well, but I'm hoping you get the drift.

[Gardener]

Think of your life in terms of a stereo equalizer. If you were to label each bar of the equalizer as different parts of your life and look at it before D entered your life it would look fairly even with just a few 'bass' blips here and there. Now though, facing the possibility of D, the bar labeled 'emotions' is booming like a car with major subwoofers and the distribution to the other areas of your life is suffering for it. You just have to take some time to get your bass back under control!

I don't know if I explained that very well, but I'm hoping you get the drift.

mishka, I liked it! Resonated with me!

[ClingingToHope]

Had three negative dreams about W. Last night around 10:30, D10 wanted to call W and tell her about the swim meet. W had texted about 7:30 p.m. asking and I had D10 text her back. She left her a voicemail when W didn't pick up.

I don't remember the particulars of the dream other than W calling me to tell me to stop checking up on her. In my dream I told her to check her voice mail, I didn't call. Then she said we'd be getting the divorce by now if I had the money.

That jolted me awake and it took me a few moments to realize it was a dream.

Then I went back to sleep and dreamed I was over at the house and she was telling me of all the things she's selling on eBay to raise money to file. Again, I'm up again.

I forget what happened in the third one.

All my dreams about W to this point had been positive. My subconscious is telling me it's over as well.

[awest1217]

Not really...when you sleep it is when all of the events from the day get processed and then some of the memories get put into your long term memory. So whatever all of the thoughts from the day will sometimes get jumbled up and you have a dream. If you think about it, it is just all of the things you have been upset about being manifest in the dream. Your thoughts about the D is now so a part of you that they are invading your dreams.

Have fun at the Dells!