I fully admit, it was childish. I got way caught up in my emotions. I set out to make him jealous, it came back to hurt me. It was stupid and immature.
Like I said, I'm having a hard time even thinking straight and being rationale bc I'm so hurt.
And I feel like this has gone on for so long and nothing has worked - I have tried and tried to get his attention and again nothing has worked. I'm in the same miserable place I was one year ago.
Feeling a bit like an idiot and it comes from seeing OW's name in his email. It made it just too real for me. It's been eating away at me since Tuesday (when I saw it).
Suppose I need to calm down and think before I react - bc obviously I do stupid things when I act on my emotions.
sigh, sigh, sigh
Me: 34 H: 34 DD: 3 M: 8 yrs H moved out Oct. 2008, "not happy" "don't know what I want" "will always love you, but not in love with you" PA Bomb: April 5, 2010
Courtney, what a mess! Did you remind him that it isnt his home? That he walked out?
Instead of trying to be specific about what you are doing, just tell him that you have plans. You dont want to make yourself look bad in the event of a trial, remember. Be vague and mysterious.
So you lost your temper today. Eh, it happens. Move on, you have plans to go out and have fun tonight, do it!
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
I have not read your entire thread so please pardon me if some of this seems ill advised. I am commenting on the text exchange you posted above.
IMO this is nothing more than high school drama type crap that you and H both participated in. It happens when emotions are high, anger is present and trust is breached but it does NOTHING to help the situation. Nothing.
A WAS does not care what you do (EX: date) because they don't want to be with you, are usually already with somebody else or are out looking for somebody else and they view you as the obstacle to their happiness and freedom.
Once my H was deeply invested in his affair I could have called him and told him my head was on fire, the house blew up, his beloved set of extra golf clubs he left behind melted and the planet would implode in 12 hours. He would not have cared. He would have found a way to turn it all around on me and bash and blame me more. Your H will do the same.
That is why it is best to reveal as little as possible to the WAS about what you are doing and who you are doing it with. It might make them wonder and it might not have any effect on them at all BUT it does help eliminate childish drama.
Of course you can handle this, you just have to handle it in a different way. 'Cause this way is not healthy or productive AT ALL.
Your H will not care if you have a date because he is already screwing OW and in his twisted mind that would make the two of you even and he wouldn't have to feel guilty for being a cheat.
Do not engage in such nonsense anymore. It is the only way to regain your sanity and set some personal ground rules.
Learning of an A hurts like hell. It takes your breath away. It is horrible. I will not tell you otherwise because when I learned of my H's A I actually threw up. It is the ultimate betrayal between two people. There are many schools of thought on how to deal with an A and I know mine is not the popular one but it was right for *me*. Read up on how others have handled A's and come up with your own plan.
Now that you put the possibility of dating out there, never mention it again. Trust me, it's on his mind now, whether you think it had an effect or not. In fact, avoid all discussion about you dating or your love life in general. If he brings it up, quickly change the subject.
No lying, no games, just make it none of his business what you are doing. He will wonder. It's human nature.
~Mark
Me: 38 W: 34 Together: 9yrs 1st M: may '03 1st D: april '08 1st bomb: june '08 remarried: oct '08 2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
Thank you, guys. I hate it when I do dumb things like this. It makes so mad bc he wins again! I get furious, act like a psycho, say stupid things and nothing good ever comes out of it. Ugh! Will I EVER learn?
No, I didn't even think to remind him that he walked out. Besides he would have said, "I pay for it, it's my house." And then I would have probably blown up even more. Trust me, I can say much more stupid things than what I said tonight.
I've tried going dark, but I have a tendency to fall off that wagon. I do good for awhile and then I do something stupid like I did tonight.
Me: 34 H: 34 DD: 3 M: 8 yrs H moved out Oct. 2008, "not happy" "don't know what I want" "will always love you, but not in love with you" PA Bomb: April 5, 2010
Well, this isn't the first time in your life you have done something stupid, right? And you are still standing despite having done stupid things before, right? So tomorrow you will stand again despite this bit of stooooopidness today!
You cannot control what your H does or says but you can control how you react to it. WAS *love* to remind you what they pay for, it is their way to further gain control over the situation. Ignore it.
Keep things brief, polite, bubbly and very general with your WAS. Do not allow him to bait you or push your buttons because trust me, he knows how to as per the example you provided.
The next time you think you want to say something to your WAS wait at least 24 hours before you do. If it still seems like a good idea then perhaps its worthy of discussion as long as it's not based on emotion and anger.
It took a LONG time for that to really register with me. Say less, say nothing and tape your mouth shut if you have to. Do not continue to engage in this unhealthy dynamic.
You're definitely not alone in doing dumb things. This is new and strange territory for most of us. We just aren't used to the intensity of all those emotions. I hear it gets easier...
~Mark
Me: 38 W: 34 Together: 9yrs 1st M: may '03 1st D: april '08 1st bomb: june '08 remarried: oct '08 2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
