Spouse Suffering From Depression

[awest1217]

It is good that you are not there yet. I am glad to here how much stronger you are, and yes I understand the being tired. Being a full time teacher, parent, and taking care of the house is sooooooooooo tiring. When H does complain, I want to do the same thing as you and say...come live in my shoes for one day and then complain you are tired. You are chosing to stay up late. ARG!

Continue being patient. Remember he did make a few steps and you should expect recoils. Another book I read said as your spouse notices changes there will be times of progress and then some recoil. The recoil is because the spouse now has to catch up to your growth and also because they are worried it may not last. Keep with it and H will see that you are changing for good and he will keep making steps.

When it comes to S, remember it is always better to have a two parent household than one. Believe me, it kills me to see S upset, but i am sticking this out because he needs a full-time mom and dad. The only thing I am really stressing with S is the idea of not giving up or running away from problems. Children learn most of their morals in the first 3 years of life, which is really my only concern about H because I don't want S to learn it is ok to leave your family or that this is normal, but I talk to him, read the Bible to him, go to church, and pray with him everyday so that God will guard his heart and help me to teach him the right way to treat a family. I think that is all we can do.

[Lucky11too]

This is the diliema I am dealing with. I know it is the natural tendency to make some progress and then recoil a bit as they rethink the situation. It's supposed to be 2 steps forward, 1 step back, but I feel like we keep taking 2 steps forward, 2 steps back. From an outside perspective, from my posts, do you think H has made any real progress? To me, sometimes he 'appears' to be making progress based on his words, but where's the actions to go with it. Hmm, I going to really have to think about this some more...

You know, regarding S, that's really the whole reason I am trying so hard to 'win' my H back, is to give S the mother and father family he deserves and needs. As sad as it is to say, and as much as I love H, if we didn't have S, I think I would have given up by now. I'm just being honest with myself. But S gives me the drive, determination, and strength to continue on this mission. May God continue to protect him and his little heart. <3

I think I'm a little bummed today too b/c I had lunch w/ my good friend who has always been my biggest supporter of persisting to win back my marriage, and she finally told me today, I think you just need to move on. He's not changing and continues with his old ways. Ug, that's not what I needed to hear. I need support right now, b/c I feel like I'm flailing a bit right now. It's just hard when people you love and trust start to lose faith in your mission. I know I need to continue to be patient, but I just wish H would show me some sign of hope for a future together...

[Gardener]

Lucky,

I think I'm a little bummed today too b/c I had lunch w/ my good friend who has always been my biggest supporter of persisting to win back my marriage, and she finally told me today, I think you just need to move on. He's not changing and continues with his old ways. Ug, that's not what I needed to hear. I need support right now, b/c I feel like I'm flailing a bit right now. It's just hard when people you love and trust start to lose faith in your mission. I know I need to continue to be patient, but I just wish H would show me some sign of hope for a future together...

It sounds like the classic friend relative reponse, whether it's immediate or eventually. You're in pain. They love you. They don't know what to say or offer. They just want your pain to end. Quickly. So it's usually "Dump him/her", 'You don't need this," and the ever-popular. "time to move on with your life."

[awest1217]

I agree with Gardener. The reason I got on this sight is because I have had NO support from friends and family when it comes to saving my marriage. They all will help me out, but they all keep saying you should leave him. I understand their thoughts and at times want to, but then I look at S's face and think of him away from me to spend the weekend with H and know that is not what is right.

The one couple that has helped me is my mentor couple who told me that no matter what anyone else says you are doing what is right. You need to stick with your marriage unless there is abuse (although manipulation is part of emotional abuse). They keep encouraging me to keep going. Maybe at your church you can find a couple like this?

I understand the whole S part. I even told H that if it wasn't for S I would have filed the day he moved out, but S keeps me going. He needs his dad at home, and not just part time. He needs a full family. I come from a "step" family situation because my dad died, but my step-sibs parents divorced. They were estranged from their mom for years and although we all get along like true sibs, it was still really hard and the parent part was even harder so I am doing this for S.

Stay strong and remember we will always have those down days. What my friend told me who is divorcing her husband because he is doing drugs, and cheated on her twice in a year, "as long as you have hope stick with it, but when you have lost hope the marriage is over." I completely agree. Don't make hasty decisions, but when day after day after day there is no hope at all, then you know, but only you can make that decision.

I hope you have a great weekend!

[Lucky11too]

I know. It's kind of like the catch 22. Friends and family care, so they tell you to move on, but it really ends up making things worse. Luckily I still have my parents who have continued to support my decision. My dad came from a broken home and was pretty tramatize from it, so he gets it. Luckily he learned from it and is a great husband and father now - someone I look up to alot!

OMG, I know. That's what kills me. With the D, the state says H is entitled to time with S. There is no way I could say goodbye to S every other weekend or whatever schedule we come up with. At least right now, S is with me all the time and H just comes and 'visits' when he feels like it(both a good and bad thing. I get S, but it also makes for a little resentment that H is always running around doing whatever he wants, while I'm at home raisng our S. But whatever, I would chose time with S anyday!)

Awest, I know you were talking about that dream u had last night about u and H fighting about OW. I get it, it's kind of disturbing. I didn't write about it here originally, but when H first invited me for our overnight trip last weekend, I was super excited, but then I felt a twinge of fear. All of a sudden, flashing thru my head, is this idea that we would go on our trip, he would decide that he wanted to work on us, but that no matter how much I changed, he continued to treated me horribly. I could never live like that again! Then we would have to go thru this whole separation/D process again. It was like some scary awake dream! I think that's why I have been so concerned in my recent posts about the lack of progress he's making. I fear that he will never change, or at least not until he looks at himself first, and decides to work on himself, particularly his depression - which I have absolutely no control over. Ug, now that's depressing.

[awest1217]

Yeah it is. It stinks to think about how H may never change and what you should do about it. I go through that a lot. H has had OW now this is the 2nd major time, and 4th time total. The first 3 were before we got married, and this one since. It is so hard to think he will change, but then there is hope.

Just keep on keeping on and do what you think is best.

[Lucky11too]

Amen for small miracles. H texts me this afternoon & ask if I had dinner plans. I didn't. He said he didn't have to go into work until 7 today (an hour later than normal) and asked if I wanted to grab dinner with him. Wow! Well, ok then. I met up with him after work & we had an ok time. I was careful not to bring up any R talk and just responded when he brought it up. I tried to stay upbeat and act "as if" but here are some of the things I learned tonight:
1) His depression is getting worse again -> He's started to pick fights again -> He's getting bruises again. I tried to gently encourage him to get help. No luck.
2) He was out Wednesday night (surprise, surprise, when he was too tired to have dinner with me, please), in which he got in said fights.
3) He still won't tell me where he lives ("I can't tell you where the batcage is", ok nerd) & continues to torment me about that. I know that he lives with his Co-Worker,(50 year old Life time Bachelor, alcholic, pothead) and the general area, but that's about it. He also said he was checking out other single bedroom apartments in that area (about 20 miles from me) b/c he wants to move out from there at somepoint.
4) When we get there, he tells me he really wanted to buy me dinner tonight, but when he checked his account before he came, it was already overdrawn. I ended up paying. Also, he brought up again how he feels broke all the time. I reminded him that all his money goes to going out.
5) One of his close co-worker friends, just got married 1 month ago. They just annulled their marriage & now they hate each other. H tells me how this just reaffirms why he is against marriage now - "Getting married just ruins everything".
6) Now for a few positives - he asked how I've been doing and how my mom was, and more interestingly, kind of out of the blue, (we were not discussing anything to do with this) he told me 'if' we were ever to get back together, he would not want any more kids. It caused too much stress in our relationship. I'd have to agree. Despite the rest of the rather depressing evening, this is the one line that gives hope. Really, there's a possibility now that you could ever see us getting back together? That's a step, I suppose, right?

So I'm trying to take some joy in this small success tonight. Really it was not the most fun evening, but I think it was useful. And the point is, he initated the contact and followed thru!

So not to continue to be negative, but here are some of my concerns. I fear there is just too much to overcome sometimes - his depression, his drinking/partying, his anti-church mentality, his ridiculus work schedule, the OW 'friend' and all his other bar friends that he's made over the past year (made up of alcoholics, druggies, sluts...and no I'm not exagerating). Ug, where's the man I love and married. Nothing is impossible, but it sure seems like a lot!

[awest1217]

Just a thought. Where is H's family in all of this? Why don't they step in and intervene at least on the alcohol side? He is definitely not doing well himself so why haven't they talked to him and tried to get him some help?

Glad for the fact that he asked just you out! That is a big step. He didn't want to go out to see S. He called to see you and talk to you. Yeah he was negative, but he asked you on a date, and even talked to you the entire time!

When H and I went out last night he just watched TV. It was so hard to have a conversation because every time I would try he would just answer and go back to watching TV instead of continuing.

Good for you! Have great weekend!

[Lucky11too]

H's family knows there is a huge a problem but just really don't know what to do about it. They've tried to talk to him too, but he just won't listen to anyone. I feel so bad for them too - it's destroyed their relationship as well. MIL has told me, "I just don't know who that man is anymore. He's not my son". (not in the disowning sense, just in how he's not the son she thought she raised.) This really just takes just a toll on everyone.

Yeah, very true about our date. He definitely concentrated on me the whole time (we were there for a little over an hour) and actually I don't recall him texting either (or I'm just blocking it out now). That is pretty major! And I'm glad too he came and talked about his depression. When this happened last August, when I asked about the bruises, he made up excuses. This time he showed them to me first and said he was getting in fights again. Maybe a cry for help? But I don't know how I can help him if he won't help himself. I just tried to sympathize with his pain and encouraged him to get help before it gets worse and he ends up in jail or dead! I hope he's hearing me somewhere in his brain.

So I had an uplifting day. Went to a Focus on the Family simulcast for parenting. It was all about raising up Godly children and bringing God back to the home. It was really encouraging and uplifting. I fear the impact that H will have on S, but I can only do what I can do, and I will give my best!

[Lucky11too]

So kind of scary, H called me today to tell me that last night when they were closing up (at 3:00am), someone came out of the back kitchen area. H thought they were there to rob the place. He thought he was going to have to kill the guy and it totally freaked him out. It turned out to be some cleaning guy the head manager hired and didn't tell H (the shift manager). So that was bad for H, but the way he handled it next, is the worst. He was so stressed out by that, that he went home and drank til 7:00 am with his roommate & friend. Ug, how come he can't see that he obviously has a problem? Who does that stuff besides alcoholics? The only good thing of this is that he trusted me enough to tell him. It's always good to have that open communication, but still, are you serious? Wow, there is just so much to overcome besides just R issues. Like I said before, nothing is impossible, but it sure seems like a lot!

Also, to note, yesterday was 1 year of separation. Ug. But surprisely, H has not broughten it up again since the disaster of last weekend. Just interesting...

S has been super fussy today too. Not sure if he's teething or coming down with something. Hopefully, he feel a little better tomorrow...