Today I saw a councelor about what I'm going through. He's the same guy I saw as our MC. Even though he couldn't help us a couple he does know our history and will help me more.
We talked about my W and what he thought of her. He said nice things about her personality, but when it came to me my W didn't have the feelings about me she hoped to have had. I also told him about the past fights we had and how if I pushed for her to do something she got real mean. My C told how he noticed when he pushed her she didn't respond in a positive way, so was he a good MC?
At the end of the session he asked me why I'm still with her. I told him I didn't want D11 have the same childhood as I did. I was afraid that I would stop seeing D11 like my dad stop seeing me when my mom got D.
He asked me how my life was going. I told him it sucked.
We laughed and he asked why. I told him that thinking about my stich has caused health problems. I also told him I'm thinking more and more about leaving my wife. Then I asked him if he thought she had a passive/aggressive personality. He said he didn't thinks so but I did deserve yes and no answers.
So far things are going alright. I'm trying my best to do my own thing. My W's doesn't have anymore feelings towards me. As a way to protect myself from getting too close, I've been telling myself I hate her.
In the morning I tell myself I hate her. If she goes out and comes back whenever, I tell myself I hate her. This self talk does not help me feel good about myself. I don't think I'm the type of person that can walk around hating someone; especially my wife.
So far things are going alright. I'm trying my best to do my own thing. My W's doesn't have anymore feelings towards me. As a way to protect myself from getting too close, I've been telling myself I hate her.
In the morning I tell myself I hate her. If she goes out and comes back whenever, I tell myself I hate her. This self talk does not help me feel good about myself. I don't think I'm the type of person that can walk around hating someone; especially my wife.
That is not a healthy way to live. It is natural to feel that way sometimes, but to feel that way all the time is harmful to you. You need to find a way to release those feelings.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
It's been busy and this is the first chance I've had to write. I went to the councelor and we talked about me this time. He was doing a lot of writing as I spoke. I told him I was going to be his best client. We laughed and again he asked why I still want to be in the M.
We discussed my answers and talked about other influences on my life. He asked me about my SS22 and how I felt about him living with me. My SS and I get along well, except when his my yells at me. Then he take her side b/c she is so upset.
My SS also wouldn't hesitate to throw me under the bus to be one up.
I don't hold in my feelings. I've taked to SS22 many times, but he takes everything personally. The first time I asked for his help he's shouted he didn't do anything. Assuring him it's in the best interest for me and her to have him step aside puts him on the defensive. I've asked him if I ever hit his mom or has he seen me treating her badly. He said no, then I asked him to let us deal with our own problem. His only answer was she's my mom.
My stich has been full of its ups and downs. I told her that i want out and don't expect me to stay here after the new year. I told my SS22 that I'm probably going to move out. He asked if he could live with me.
I told my C everything and he asked me what brought things to this level. I told him I was tired of being used. He said he understood what I was saying. Then he we talked about the Thanksgiving weekend and how my sisters told me more about my dad. It seems my father abandoned me for his new family after my mom and dad got D. My C said that this feeling can carried from childhood up to adult hood. He said volumes of material have been written about abandonment. I think he was right that this affected me more than I thought.
After my C session I told my w what we discovered. Now I know why I so screwed up I said. She turned and hugged me I cried a little and then thanked her for listening.
I told her that M is what she just did to listen to your spouses problem and just be there. To give them a hug when they look down or to tell them your sorry they feel that way. I then told her that M is more than sex it's me making her feel good and her making me feel good. I thanked her again and went about my buisness.
Since then I've been preparing to leave her, both mentally and physically. I've cleaned out and gotten rid of the clutter in my closet. I'm paying down my CC bills because that will be the only way I can afford an apartment.
I don't want to leave her but I don't think she's capable of giving me any more. I'm still very much undecided if D11 soon to be D12 can handle her dad moving out. I still may stay for her and let my w, live her own life.
Well that's what fixer has in his life. Not much excitement but a lot of ups and downs.
