For those with a WAS...How do you cope?

[courts0818]

I need help! I'm so confused. I tried bluffing tonight and my H called me out. I'm clueless as to what I should say or do. I've been a wreck since I saw OW's name in his email and I wanted him to think I was DONE, that I'm moving forward and looking for someone else. Stupid, I guess.

He has me such a mess that I can't think straight.

text messages:

H: so what r u thinkin (about plans for today)

Me: thinkin I'll just take her (DD) to the baby shower with me

H: ok whatever. I'm at work right now so I'll try getting up there later. How long will that last?

Me: think it's until 2 & what do you mean "try" to get up here? (I asked that ? bc I couldn't leave for church until he got here and I volunteered to help there tonight)

Me: & what r u doing 2night/where r u going? don't want 2 run in2 u - don't want to end up @ the same place (bc I had plans to go out after church)

H: Oh yeah! Why is that?

Me: i just don't

H: Uh why? U gotta a guy with ya? So I take it I need to ask mom then or what.

Me: if u plan 2 go out, yep u need 2 ask ur mom & if I did have a guy with me, would that b a problem? imma assume no since we've been on this ridiculous separation bs 4 over a year

That was early in the day. Here's the recent messages:

Me: some talk about DD, then, "so where r u gonna b?"

H: why do keep asking? Where u gonna b?

Me: like I said....i just wanna do my own thing & don't want any drama or whatever. having an early drink with * (friend), then off 2 do my own thing.

H: And why would there be drama?

Me: idk

H: Hmmmm. Well I can pretty much figure what's going on.

Me: what's going on? and really...could u blame me? let's be real here...u talk 2 a "friend" and i've waited 4 a yr. u don't want me...fine. but i'm not waiting around any longer.

H: I didn't say anything, so relax

Me: so it's cool with u if i date?

H: U do what u gotta do! But one thing, remember I pay all the bills. As of right now, house and truck are off limits! Fair?

Me: oh sure...so I'll just go fu** some guy @ his house & that will make it just fine,huh? um, ok

H: Nope didn't mean that

Me: um yeah - u pretty much said it's cool - whatever i do & whoever i do it with. u just don't want me fu***** some guy @ home home or in the truck. well, okay then. that's all i need 2 know.

H: whatever

I'm sitting here in disbelief that he actually said I should do what I gotta do (in response to my dating question). And then he says, just don't do it in our home or in our truck. Are you kidding me?????????? WTH???????

I can't take this any longer. I will NOT stand for my husband to have OW. HELL NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't want to lose him, I don't want a divorce, but I cannot handle this any longer. To hear my H pretty much give me the okay to date makes me sick, like seriously I'm ready to throw up.

I was so furious, I typed up this text, but didn't send it, "Fu** you * (his name). I cannot even believe you. You can have your R with * (OW). She can have your piece of sh** a$$, cause I don't want you. You make me sick. You can both rot in hell. You don't deserve to be my husband or DD's dad." The day you are forced to look DD in the eye & tell her what you have done, I hope she tells you how disgusting, evil, replusive, nasty and horrible you are."

See what an emotional mess I am? I can't live like this. I feel complete betrayal and it's eating me up.

What do I do? What boundaries do I set? How do I deal with this? Help! Help! Help!