I will be asking for clarification on Tuesday when I see him. Hoenstly, he explained it to me that night after my W left, but everything he said is lost because of how angry I was.
Actually, I found a way to GAl while at home. I just called a friend and invited him over after the kids are in bed. A few beers and, yes, maybe TV, but at least I am not alone, wallowing and feeling bad about myself.
I think Spybunny may be right. I need to detatch more. Falling out of love seems to be something you would do with a new car, not your wife. I think he meant that I need to really disappear, appear to have fallen out of love, or at least be okay moving on.
I certainly don't want to date someone; I don't think my wife meant that when she said it. She hesitated. But I will go out, with the guys (many are divorced) and hang out. I will enjoy myself and my time alone.
I know these lows are normal, that doesn't make it any easier. I wish there was a magic pill to make it all go away, but I don't want to have the good times feel more mellow either.
The fact that my wife is not filing, to me, is hope. There is no reason not to. I even offered the $.
The bottom line is that I honestly feel like she has some serious depression issues, and the MC did too. I'm pretty sure that she will go to a C on her own and at least talk about medication. I don't want a pharma-happy wife, I want her to be truely happy; but I think that some medical intervention may be needed to help her see the light at the end of the tunnel, and even if it doesn't, at least I will know this is all happening when she is at least not in such an angry mindset.
Sometimes those 2x4s are needed; actually, they usually are needed...thank you.
I never mentioned this, but in addition to GALing, seeing my IC and exercising, I quit smoking last week. It has been two weeks since I guit and I feel great. Lots of changes for me; but my W has no way to see them when we are seperated. I haven't figured that out yet...how does she know about all of this if we don't talk and/or see eachother.
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent some more. At least I know I am not the only one on here throughout the day! Thanks to each of you, esspecially you Spybunny and Gardener (and you too Sandi2, wherever you have been!).
I went back and read through this one. What a mess I am! Somedays I am Mr. confident and other days I am pretty pathetic. I guess that is the rollercoaster.
I've been reading more threads to learn about other sitch's and it has really opened my eyes to how we as people act. I think we are all completly screwed up and drifing through life.
I read about affairs, people DBing for a year, 18 months or even longer. Holy smokes!
Last night, I was pretty down. I called up a friend and he came over. We watched 3:10 to Yuma and drank Bloody Mary's. When I have the kids, I can still GAL, even if it is in my PJs and in my house.
My W called the kids last night. I think part of the reason I am feeling better today is that I know what she is doing this weekend. You know the jealousy is sometimes tough...not knowing..what is she doing? Is she moving on? Going out? Dating someone? She's going to visit her Dad, so I am somewhat calmed by that.
Honestly, that is probably good. Her mom was a WAS and her DAD was the LBHS. It might be good for them to talk. Of course, a dad is always going to be supportive of his daughter, I would mine...but I also know he has a differnt perspective.
He also dealt with depression; and I wonder if my W is going to talk to him (he lives 4 hours away) because she needs to talk to him about the concerns the MC shared that she should consider some medication to help her figure out her direction.
Of course, the MC also told me I need to "fall out of love", but I think he meant "detatch" That will be cleared up on Tuesday when I see him.
So today the kids and I are off to the Library for a while; then maybe to the Zoo or a stop at teh mall.
I never mentioned this, but in addition to GALing, seeing my IC and exercising, I quit smoking last week. It has been two weeks since I guit and I feel great.
Go, go, GO, HelpMe! I'm on day 45 smoke free and have no idea how I've been able to do it so easily in the middle of all this sh!t!. If I have trouble, I'm gonna shout out to you. You do the same.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Thanks Gardener. I do like not stinking like smoke and hacking...plus the morning breath is not missed at all!
I have a question for all of you. If you've been able to read through my long rambling posts, you notice that a recurring theme is "Why won't she file?" I can't figure this out.
This is what she wants. I can understand why.
The paperwork is done. The contract is signed with the attorney, we've gone to MC; but she says it is over.
She said it was money; I offered to give it to her, even though we both get the same amount of $
She said it was not having time to file...she can do so over lunch right in our town.
She got mad at me one day when I told her I was tired of the limbo. She said "I have been in limbo for 4 years, do you think I give a sh!t that you've been in limbo for 2 months?"
There is always an excuse; and she keeps telling me that I need to move on, that it is over, don't have any hope, etc... God, she even nodded yes in our MC session when I said "I don't know what that means, am I supposed to go out and start dating?"
WTH is this all about. Maybe it is the Holidays, but honestly, am I wrong to see this as a good sign?
I think she is holding my feet to the fire. She is conflicted about the divorce, but also knows that I am making changes, she realizes some of her issues and wants to see where time takes us before doing so. However, I am WAY TO CLOSE to my situation, obviously, to view it objectivly.
Like I said, I now firmly believe that depression has been an issue in our marriage for years. it is really showing up now. I know she has already made an appt with a counselor in another town, which I think is another positive, if not for our M at least for her.
AM I WRONG TO BE HOPEFUL? How do you detatch and remain hopeful? They seem to work against eachother.
I have a question for all of you. If you've been able to read through my long rambling posts, you notice that a recurring theme is "Why won't she file?" I can't figure this out.
My guess (and it is just a guess): Conflicted.
Originally Posted By: HelpMe!
AM I WRONG TO BE HOPEFUL? How do you detatch and remain hopeful? They seem to work against eachother.
Personally I had gotten to a place where I remained hopeful, but was fully acceptable about being fine with either outcome.
Took a while to get there. And it wasn't an "oh, boy! Oh, boy! I'm hopeful! This is looking great! I'm hopeful!"
Just hoped it may turn around but truly fine either way.
It didn't turn around. Isn't going to. I don't regret my hope. I'm good with the outcome. I will be good (and even better) again. So will life.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Thank you. I am glad you feel this way, I am trying to feel that way too. I KNOW I will be okay either way; but honestly, I don't WANT it to be via divorce.
I go out with friends and I know that I can meet someone new...some day; but I really love my W and want to make this work.
I agree she is conflicted; but like I said, I can't imagine anyone going through this isn't conflicted at one point or another. It's a major life changing decision and I would feel a little bit better if I knew she was being level headed in her decision making; but she is staying angry and depressed.
I think the best advice I have gotten here is to generall believe nothing that the other person SAYS and only half of what they DO.
If you've been able to read through my long rambling posts, you notice that a recurring theme is "Why won't she file?" I can't figure this out.
The only way you can know for sure is to ask her. Anything else is mind-reading, a waste of energy and brings nothing but frustration. You can't control her or what she does- you can only control you. So it doesn't matter why she hasn't filed, you can't do anything about it. You CAN control how you react to her lack of action and the current situation- and wondering "why?" shouldn't be it. GAL'ing, on the other hand, is a much more productive use of time. Get going!!
I did ask her, in the MC session...point blank. I asked her when we argued (that's when I got the "I've been in limbo for 4 years, do you think I care that you have been for 2 months?" comment).
She gives weak answers.
You are right. I do GAL though...but the week with the kids, that is tough. We're watching movies tonight and we went to the library today as well as the mall. Wed. I leave and I won't be back here until after Thanksgiving...that is tough...but I will be okay.
But it doesn't change the fact that if this is THE ONLY OPTION, that she just hasn't filed yet. If there is NO CHANCE, then why not get it over with. I offered to pay for it. I offered to do it jointly. Still nothing.
