Not Me...Ever part 2

[brownidmom]

(((Gardener))) (((BIM)))

Hijack away

(((Serenity))) Thanks, I appreciate your indulgence.

G ~ I am back to my serene self now that I purged my black thoughts with the letter to H - A part of me wants to send it (I won't) and part of me knows he would either ignore it or use it against me somehow - Besides I think if I said I sent it Puppy would somehow find a way to literally come through my computer and smack me upside my head. I felt better getting it out and that is what matters. I am calm and collected, I just hate to hear those words come out of my sons' mouth, hate he is even thinking the thoughts and hate I can't make it all better. However I will put forth my best effort to keep his mind occupied on other happier things, should be easy since he is 6 and has the attention span of a dust bunny (j/j) ;

Don't you just wish that WAS didn't have cotton in their ears and rocks in their heads when we try saying these kinds of things to them?!?! They either get it or they don't. Glad for you that it was cathartic, though.

B ~ I am so happy about your rededication! That should bring some much needed peace as long as you continue to look up for answers and not around (easier said then done). You will come to learn I am a very firm believer in the fact that each and every person in your life, no matter the length, is there for a purpose...I don't believe in coincidences either, I believe in signs from God showing me the way. The signs are there all around us, we just have to open ourselves up to actually seeing them - Big and small.

I am at peace. I still don't know how I am going to deal with everything, but I know I can take it one moment at a time, one day at a time and me and my boys will come out of this state we are currently in SOON and we will be better than just okay.

This brings me to tears...This is what I personally hoped for and what seemed to take the longest in my sitch...I fought it every step of the way as well as the advice I received, the help that was offered, the ears that were willing to listen etc...For some dumb reason, I thought I had to do this on my own - Whew, glad I don't think that way anymore lol!

Honor your anniversary, I did this last month actually...It was our 20th and I couldn't help but think we should have been in Vegas getting remarried in some cheesy roadside chapel (something we had been planning for awhile) however we weren't. I didn't say anything to him however I had most of the day to myself and just basically did things I enjoyed. He didn't contact me at all that day (that stung) however did tell me the next day Happy Anniversary.

(((Hugs)))

I am at peace now. Went to sleep last night with a smile on my face and woke up with one this morning. Both times, my prayers started with THANK YOU. I had forgotten how to count my blessings when I felt that the loss of my M was more important than most other things. Now I know better.

We went to the movies this afternoon and then to Olive Garden. The movie was horrible but it was time spent with the boys. H fell asleep, yes, very bad movie. When we got home and H was heading out to a meeting, I approached him and gave him a peck on the lips and said, "A kiss for you on our anniversary." Then I walked away. I was pleasant but was not looking for any sort of response or acknowledgement from him. I didn't even look back to see his response because I didn't do it for him. I did it for me, to be true to how I feel and what I believe.

Oh, MIL called right as we got home to tell us Happy Anniversary. I thanked her and sent the phone with S6 downstairs to give to H.

All in all, a good day. Wishing for you the same, Serenity.

BIM