I haven't told my family about the affair, and I'm glad that I've not, as I know that they would go into "full defense" mode. You're right, it's hard to not just want to blurt it out, but I know that it would make things worse.
Spoke with atty today and they agreed that cutting W off from my account would be acceptable and wise. Will meet with them next Wednesday to have full consultation to explain the situation in more detail and get more advice on my options. Then I'll decide what actions to take. In the meantime, at least W won't be able to wipe out today's paycheck in one swoop. She hasn't abused it like that since she left, but I'll feel much safer for myself an s7 knowing that I can manage the household budget without any unexpected charges.
Still working on when to drop the boundary bomb, asking her one final time to completely cut off contact with OM. Don't want s7 anywhere around during that time.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
Still working on when to drop the boundary bomb, asking her one final time to completely cut off contact with OM. Don't want s7 anywhere around during that time.
I actually formally asked my wife this, as I remember it, about 5-6 times. Even did my exposure sequentially, instead of all-at-once, shock-and-awe (NOT advised!). Gave her MORE than enough chances to end it.
Do NOT keep having R discussions, don't misunderstand me. But this does not have to be just ONE conversation, either, considering how serious the subject is, in my opinion.
I've done a pretty good job of avoiding any R discussions. Not too hard when we barely see/talk to each other anymore since I stopped initiating the texts/calls. But I did casually ask during conversation the other morning if she was still in contact with OM. She replied "Some...but I'm also talk to _____ and _____ and oh ____ is stuck in ____ with a car broken down. Their transmission broke on the way to pick up their D..." and just pushed it off on that tangent. I know that they're texting every day, pretty much all day until bedtime and that she's talked to him voice at least a few times. I know she doesn't want to get in a fight or "upset" me with the truth...but I wanted to grab her and say "Just this once, I wish you'd just be honest with me!!".
So, are you saying that the shock-and-awe is the ill-advised method, or that doing it sequentially was worse. How do you have that conversation multiple times with the same message?
Today has been VERY stressful at work. New top level manager position was created and filled with a Steve Jobs-type CIO. He's got grand visions of how things should be and is disgusted with the way things are here. Had a long meeting this afternoon with him talking about the new direction we are going to take. Got back to my office and just wanted to pick up the phone, call W and cry out "I miss you so much!!! I want my best friend and partner back!!!" She was always such a good listener and made me feel like she really cared about how work affected me. Of course, being our only source of income, it was/is important to her too that I'm happy and doing well at my job. I really miss that kind of caring support. I've got other friends I can talk to...but they don't really want to hear about my office stuff. Guess it's better to vent it here.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
I've done a pretty good job of avoiding any R discussions. Not too hard when we barely see/talk to each other anymore since I stopped initiating the texts/calls. But I did casually ask during conversation the other morning if she was still in contact with OM. She replied "Some...but I'm also talk to _____ and _____ and oh ____ is stuck in ____ with a car broken down. Their transmission broke on the way to pick up their D..." and just pushed it off on that tangent.
That's like the teenager who goes to the 7-Eleven, and says "Oh, I'll have some salted peanuts, a Slim-Jim, oh that Penthouse right there, a medium blue Slurpee, some double-A batteries . . . "
So, are you saying that the shock-and-awe is the ill-advised method, or that doing it sequentially was worse.
Blowing off all the bombs at the same time is strongly advised. Gives them less time to do damage-control, more likely to knock her to her senses, and you might as well face her wrath only ONCE.
Oh, and there WILL be wrath, make no mistake . . .
Took the first step and cut off her access to my bank account after work today. Guess I might as well do the cluster bomb thing (tell about her being cut off along with the fact that I don't want her in contact with OM anymore) and let her know that for now on, we'll be working on a cash-only (well, probably check, since it will create a signed record) basis. She doesn't get her first paycheck until a week from this coming Wednesday, so I will have to give her some money for groceries. Atty told me that she legally was still entitled to 1/2 of my income, but that it wasn't illegal to cut her off of my account. No way am I giving her 1/2..since I'm still paying for so much else (truck, insurance, etc). She's definitely going to feel the sting and learn what it means to have to budget for the first time in a LONG time.
I feel absolutely awful. I don't know how this could possibly help us ever get back together, but I guess that's not the point this time and in my heart I know that it's the right thing to do for me and s7.
Not looking forward to the wrath AT ALL!!
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
Well, I clusterbombed the W today. Didn't go down at all like I would have liked. W was going to come over to visit this afternoon for a few hours and I was going let her visit with S7, then send him over to a friend's while we talked. I decided that there was no way that I could remember or communicate everything as clearly as I needed to in a talk, so I had written a letter (see next post) that put everything out there. Was going to have her sit down and listen all the way through before she said/did anything.
I made a big mistake last night, when a friend dropped by to talk. Hadn't talked to him since W moved out and I told him what was going on over the course of a couple of hours. I didn't anticipate that he would tell his W, who in turned called my W at work today and let her know that I had been monitoring her call records. Smelling an ambush, she called me from work about 1/2 hour before she was going to get off and come visit. Told her that I didn't want to talk over the phone, that I really needed to see her face-to-face, but she refused. I told her that I had a letter that I wanted to read to her, and asked that she please listen and promise not to hang up until I was done. She agreed. I read the letter to her, and she immediately started attacking me from the angle that I was trying to take s7 away from her. W wanted him to spend the night with her tonight, and I refused. This led into all types of questions about when she would be allowed to see him that I was not prepared to answer. She thinks that I'm angry and vindictive and trying to get back at her by keeping her from spending time with her s. I told her that we were going to have to work out those details soon, after I've had some advice from someone more knowledgeable than myself.
She asked me when should we sit down with s7 and let him know that Mommy wasn't going to be coming back home. I told her that I would tell him tonight and she asked that we please do that together. Didn't set a particular time/date yet.
I'm assuming at this point that she's ready for a full-press divorce, but emotions are so high right now, I don't know for sure.
Below is the letter I wrote her. I'm posting it because I know how hard it was for me to put into words, and it might be an example for others (for good or bad) in similar situations. I'm sure that I broke a ton of rules and probably said some things that I'll get berated for on this forum, but it's what I told her.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
Below is the letter I read/gave to my W today. Use it as an example of either good or bad way to approach the situation. It is what it is.
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My dearest wife, parental partner, lover and best friend ___,
There is no way that I can attempt to present the things that I'm about to say without getting my words mixed up or being misunderstood, so I'm writing this letter in an attempt to make myself as clear as possible. Right now, I'm standing in the ashes of my soul, which has been burned to the ground. My heart is absolutely shredded in a manor that I've never experienced in my 44 years of life.
You have no comprehension of how hard it is to say these things I'm about to say. I truely love you with every ounce of my being, and will love you to the day I die. This unconditional love is something that I've only felt for 3 people outside of you; My parents and our son ___. Despite all the betrayal, deceit and turmoil of this year, my heart is still open to you and I want more than anything in this world for us to be able to pull through this, put the past behind us and dedicated ourselves to being the husband, the wife the friends and FAMILY that I know that we are capable of being. We both have a lot of soul-searching, healing and improvements to make within ourselves to become the people that we need to be for ourselves and for each other.
One of the the biggest changes I need to make is to build some self-respect and self-esteem. It's time for me to grow some balls, stop being so self-sacrificing and non-confrontational that I end up feeling like a doormat. It's time for me to start placing boundaries within my relationships so that I can respect myself. Without this self-respect, I can never expect anyone in my life to truly respect me. There are so many things that you have done; decisions you've made that make me feel that you do not have any respect for me. I also know that there are also things that I have done to you that have made you feel that I don't respect you. For that, I am deeply sorry and remorseful. You deserve respect, and you deserve and need to feel not only the respect from me, but for yourself as well. I can't change the things I've done in the past. I can only dedicate myself to the future, showing you through actions the respect I have for you.
I guess this has to come down the meat of the issues I'm dealing with now. When you continue to have a relationship with ___, it makes me feel that you don't respect me. I don't feel that I can ever completely trust you until you cut off all contact with him...particularly after I found out you were still secretly in contact with him for months after I found out you had sex and I had asked you both to discontinue any contact. That (and the) fact that you admitted to me that even after I found out about you fxxxxg him, you attempted to initiate it again more than once. This makes me feel that you were not truly remorseful for what you did, that there was much more to the relationship than just friends, and that this wasn't a one-time only "ooops", where you made a single BAD error in judgement that you truly regretted. The fact that to this day, even after everything has happen, you still have frequent daily contact with ___ makes me feel that you have absolutely no respect for me or our relationship.
You are an adult, and I can't tell you what to do. You make your own decisions, and the decisions you've made this summer have devastated our marriage and our family. I will never know the true nature of your relationship with ___, because you've proven that you can repeatedly lie and decieve me about it. I will never believe that you are going to be completely honest with me about what has really happened. But I can tell you with absolute certainty that I cannot remain married to someone that would put another man ahead of their husband, regardless of the relationship. We both have some HUGE decisions to make.
We have opportunities to make decisions every day. How we act on those decisions are what defines who and what we are in life. Last night, _s7_ came to me and asked me why Mommy or I didn't come to his school assembly and that it made him sad to look for us and not see either of us out there. You had the opportunity to make a decision to support your son, and you chose not to give him 30 minutes of your time to show that love and support. You, better than anyone knows what it's like to go through this from a child's perspective. You know the damage that it can do; the scars that it leaves, and yet you are repeating the very same behavior that you blame for many of your problems that you have as an adult.
One decision that I've made is to look into my heart and do what is best for me and for _s7_ right now. I have no idea how you will react to what I'm telling you today and as hard as it is for me, I must do what it takes to protect myself and him. I have terminated your access to my bank account. Your debit card and checks are no longer valid. You have shown me recently that you are capable of making responsible decisions regarding the use of the account, and I've been very proud of you for this. However, this hasn't always been the case and I can't predict the future. You and I both admit that we worked better when we operated with our finances separated. This is the way we'll do things once again. You have your account and I'll have mine. I made a promise to you that I would not leave you destitute, and I intend to honor that promise. <list of some things that I will continue to pay for while we try to figure what's next>. I will also arrange to continue paying for your therapy, as I believe that it is one of the best decisions you've made all summer. This arrangement will work out to approximately $___ a month, in addition to the paychecks that you'll soon start receiving for your new job. If spent it wisely, it should leave you more than enough to cover food, gas and other expenses. You say that you want to become more independant, self-assured and self-supporting like you were when we met and here is your opportunity to prove this to yourself. You will have to budget wisely, and it won't be easy. I do have faith in your ability to survive and know that you are capable of being the person that has self-confidence and self-esteem.
Monday will be the 15th anniversary of the date that we finally admitted to each other (and ourselves) that we were in love with each other. I had no idea at that time that after this many years, that love would be totally shadowed by the love that I feel for you today. I LOVE YOU with all my heart and soul and I pray that someday, we'll be able to look back on this period of our lives and realize what a turning point it was. A chance to start making the right decisions for ourselves and our precious son. I would love more than ANYTHING to be looking back at this 15 years from now with you by my side, watching our healthy 22 year old son beginning to live his life on his own, with the tools and examples of how to have a healthy relationship with women and himself. The cycle does not have to continue, and it's totally in our hands to make sure it doesn't.
All of my my love to you,
H
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
WAY too long, way too supplicating. Way too much moral equivalency.
You're trying to teach her. You can't teach an infidel.
You really need to come here for advice BEFORE you do these things. Today -- Confrontation/Exposure Day -- is THE most important day in your arsenal. And you've gone in without guidance and intelligence.
I do know this is incredibly hard, and I am truly sorry you're having to go thru this. It's a BEAUTIFUL letter, CC, and my heart goes out to you.
