Coping with Bi-Polar WAW

[CountingCrows]

Below is the letter I read/gave to my W today. Use it as an example of either good or bad way to approach the situation. It is what it is.

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My dearest wife, parental partner, lover and best friend ___,

There is no way that I can attempt to present the things that I'm about to say without getting my words mixed up or being misunderstood, so I'm writing this letter in an attempt to make myself as clear as possible. Right now, I'm standing in the ashes of my soul, which has been burned to the ground. My heart is absolutely shredded in a manor that I've never experienced in my 44 years of life.

You have no comprehension of how hard it is to say these things I'm about to say. I truely love you with every ounce of my being, and will love you to the day I die. This unconditional love is something that I've only felt for 3 people outside of you; My parents and our son ___. Despite all the betrayal, deceit and turmoil of this year, my heart is still open to you and I want more than anything in this world for us to be able to pull through this, put the past behind us and dedicated ourselves to being the husband, the wife the friends and FAMILY that I know that we are capable of being. We both have a lot of soul-searching, healing and improvements to make within ourselves to become the people that we need to be for ourselves and for each other.

One of the the biggest changes I need to make is to build some self-respect and self-esteem. It's time for me to grow some balls, stop being so self-sacrificing and non-confrontational that I end up feeling like a doormat. It's time for me to start placing boundaries within my relationships so that I can respect myself. Without this self-respect, I can never expect anyone in my life to truly respect me. There are so many things that you have done; decisions you've made that make me feel that you do not have any respect for me. I also know that there are also things that I have done to you that have made you feel that I don't respect you. For that, I am deeply sorry and remorseful. You deserve respect, and you deserve and need to feel not only the respect from me, but for yourself as well. I can't change the things I've done in the past. I can only dedicate myself to the future, showing you through actions the respect I have for you.

I guess this has to come down the meat of the issues I'm dealing with now. When you continue to have a relationship with ___, it makes me feel that you don't respect me. I don't feel that I can ever completely trust you until you cut off all contact with him...particularly after I found out you were still secretly in contact with him for months after I found out you had sex and I had asked you both to discontinue any contact. That (and the) fact that you admitted to me that even after I found out about you fxxxxg him, you attempted to initiate it again more than once. This makes me feel that you were not truly remorseful for what you did, that there was much more to the relationship than just friends, and that this wasn't a one-time only "ooops", where you made a single BAD error in judgement that you truly regretted. The fact that to this day, even after everything has happen, you still have frequent daily contact with ___ makes me feel that you have absolutely no respect for me or our relationship.

You are an adult, and I can't tell you what to do. You make your own decisions, and the decisions you've made this summer have devastated our marriage and our family. I will never know the true nature of your relationship with ___, because you've proven that you can repeatedly lie and decieve me about it. I will never believe that you are going to be completely honest with me about what has really happened. But I can tell you with absolute certainty that I cannot remain married to someone that would put another man ahead of their husband, regardless of the relationship. We both have some HUGE decisions to make.

We have opportunities to make decisions every day. How we act on those decisions are what defines who and what we are in life. Last night, _s7_ came to me and asked me why Mommy or I didn't come to his school assembly and that it made him sad to look for us and not see either of us out there. You had the opportunity to make a decision to support your son, and you chose not to give him 30 minutes of your time to show that love and support. You, better than anyone knows what it's like to go through this from a child's perspective. You know the damage that it can do; the scars that it leaves, and yet you are repeating the very same behavior that you blame for many of your problems that you have as an adult.

One decision that I've made is to look into my heart and do what is best for me and for _s7_ right now. I have no idea how you will react to what I'm telling you today and as hard as it is for me, I must do what it takes to protect myself and him. I have terminated your access to my bank account. Your debit card and checks are no longer valid. You have shown me recently that you are capable of making responsible decisions regarding the use of the account, and I've been very proud of you for this. However, this hasn't always been the case and I can't predict the future. You and I both admit that we worked better when we operated with our finances separated. This is the way we'll do things once again. You have your account and I'll have mine. I made a promise to you that I would not leave you destitute, and I intend to honor that promise. <list of some things that I will continue to pay for while we try to figure what's next>. I will also arrange to continue paying for your therapy, as I believe that it is one of the best decisions you've made all summer. This arrangement will work out to approximately $___ a month, in addition to the paychecks that you'll soon start receiving for your new job. If spent it wisely, it should leave you more than enough to cover food, gas and other expenses. You say that you want to become more independant, self-assured and self-supporting like you were when we met and here is your opportunity to prove this to yourself. You will have to budget wisely, and it won't be easy. I do have faith in your ability to survive and know that you are capable of being the person that has self-confidence and self-esteem.

Monday will be the 15th anniversary of the date that we finally admitted to each other (and ourselves) that we were in love with each other. I had no idea at that time that after this many years, that love would be totally shadowed by the love that I feel for you today. I LOVE YOU with all my heart and soul and I pray that someday, we'll be able to look back on this period of our lives and realize what a turning point it was. A chance to start making the right decisions for ourselves and our precious son. I would love more than ANYTHING to be looking back at this 15 years from now with you by my side, watching our healthy 22 year old son beginning to live his life on his own, with the tools and examples of how to have a healthy relationship with women and himself. The cycle does not have to continue, and it's totally in our hands to make sure it doesn't.

All of my my love to you,

H