Not Me...Ever part 2

[Serenity13]

I will be back shortly to answer you Gardener as well as look at your sitch BIM...

I need to get some things off my chest before I fire off an email to my WAS...

Dear H,

Tonight I can honestly say I hate what you have become -
It has been almost 1 month since you have spoken to our oldest and 13 days since you have spoken to our youngest -
Your actions make me sick -
Your lack of morals makes me want to vomit -
Our 6 year old sat next to me tonight and sobbed then asked me what he did to make you go away -
As well as what he could do to make you come home.
No matter how many times I tell him it isn't his fault and you still love him, he is still taking the blame -
You are weak and morally bankrupt -
Fine you don't want to talk to me but for the life of me I can't understand your behavior towards your own sons -
These boys didn't ask to be born -
How in the hell am I supposed to be the Mother as well as the Father?
How am I supposed to undue all the damage you caused so later on in life the "sins of the Father aren't passed down to his sons"? Forget for a minute that you cheated and then abandoned me - THINK OF YOUR KIDS.
Can you actually be so lost that you don't even feel an ounce of guilt on a day to day basis?
How do you sleep at night?
How can you face yourself in the mirror on a day to day basis?
I feel guilt if I raise my voice to them and yet you go about life like all is well.
I hate that fat piece of trash you lay with every night. She is as morally bankrupt as you are.
I hate the fact that you weren't man enough to come to me and tell me something was wrong.
I hate that you were bragging in April about us still being happily married with 2 great kids and then 3 months later you were gone...
You are nothing but a coward and I will tell you this -
I will do everything I have to make sure our boys don't ever treat anyone the way you have treated us.
We are not garbage to be thrown out when you have finished with us.
I have done my absolute very best to show nothing but strength, dignity, compassion, empathy, class and grace -
You on the other hand have shown a lack of morals, a lack of values, hate, anger, rage, disgust etc...
If you were standing in front of me right now I can say with all honesty that I would slap you, not for what you did to me but for what you are doing to our children.
I will not be sending this to you because you probably wouldn't understand anyway -
Just know this, I will pray for you.

[brownidmom]

It is good, Gardener. I felt better on my drive home today than I have felt in so long. At peace with myself. Once you make peace with yourself, everything else is just cake.

Well, this is all very good.
Honor the day, if not celebrate it. That's very good. Most on these boards who choose not to celebrate sometimes - sometimes - settle/compromise by "acknowledging" it. Honor. I like that.

Hijacking my friend's post on my other friend's thread. How's that?

The woman I talked to today has been separated from her H for 5 years now. She said she always celebrates her anniversary in some way every single year without her H. Seemed kooky when she first said it, but then I thought about and realized if I hadn't married him, I wouldn't have those two awesome young men I just sent to bed and need to go upstairs to hug and kiss before they fall asleep. And I meant every word I said on the day we married. That promise was to GOD as much as it was to H and myself. I have lived up to it. And it just came to me, I should HONOR the day. And I will.

And the movie with the boys, well they started taking us out to the movies a few years ago on Mother's Day, then Father's Day, etc. Tonight we picked out Olive Garden for lunch and Where the Wild Things Are for the movie. I am looking forward to it.

Serenity, sorry for re-hijacking your thread in response to our friend's hijack of of my original hijack!!!

BIM

[Gardener]

Serenity, great letter. Somehow I just knew you were headed here

I will not be sending this to you because you probably wouldn't understand anyway

And here.

Just know this, I will pray for you.

I'll bet that felt good and cathartic, I will borrow your idea and write one myself, soon.
((()))

[Serenity13]

(((Gardener))) (((BIM)))

Hijack away

G ~ I am back to my serene self now that I purged my black thoughts with the letter to H - A part of me wants to send it (I won't) and part of me knows he would either ignore it or use it against me somehow - Besides I think if I said I sent it Puppy would somehow find a way to literally come through my computer and smack me upside my head. I felt better getting it out and that is what matters. I am calm and collected, I just hate to hear those words come out of my sons' mouth, hate he is even thinking the thoughts and hate I can't make it all better. However I will put forth my best effort to keep his mind occupied on other happier things, should be easy since he is 6 and has the attention span of a dust bunny (j/j)

B ~ I am so happy about your rededication! That should bring some much needed peace as long as you continue to look up for answers and not around (easier said then done). You will come to learn I am a very firm believer in the fact that each and every person in your life, no matter the length, is there for a purpose...I don't believe in coincidences either, I believe in signs from God showing me the way. The signs are there all around us, we just have to open ourselves up to actually seeing them - Big and small.

I am at peace. I still don't know how I am going to deal with everything, but I know I can take it one moment at a time, one day at a time and me and my boys will come out of this state we are currently in SOON and we will be better than just okay.

This brings me to tears...This is what I personally hoped for and what seemed to take the longest in my sitch...I fought it every step of the way as well as the advice I received, the help that was offered, the ears that were willing to listen etc...For some dumb reason, I thought I had to do this on my own - Whew, glad I don't think that way anymore lol!

Honor your anniversary, I did this last month actually...It was our 20th and I couldn't help but think we should have been in Vegas getting remarried in some cheesy roadside chapel (something we had been planning for awhile) however we weren't. I didn't say anything to him however I had most of the day to myself and just basically did things I enjoyed. He didn't contact me at all that day (that stung) however did tell me the next day Happy Anniversary.

I am getting long winded each time I post haha.
I am off to read your update.

Have a good night to you both

(((Hugs)))

[Serenity13]

I got this in an email this morning and wanted to share ~

"It is a privilege and honor that God is allowing my spouse and I and our marriage to be used this way.
To be used for the purposes of the Kingdom of God so with my present suffering and the future restoration of our marriage our Lord is given the glory He deserves and lives are touched and changed.
Those of us God has asked to stand for our marriages and pray our prodigal spouses home are an honored and privileged few who walk a very special and blessed road.
It is a hard and difficult road, but it is a life-changing, faith changing road.
We are very fortunate."

What a fantastic & positive way to look at this journey

(((Hugs)))

[CityGirl]

I am glad you wrote the letter but did NOT send it. Trust me, I have fired off some letters to my H (that I never sent) that would either send me right to the crazy house or prison, lol!

Writing is a fantastic way to purge. Save those letters and a year or two look back at them and you will be AMAZED at how far you have come.

Since the legal portion of our separation is over I have taken some time to delete ALL the e-mails H and I have exchanged since March 2, 2008 (bomb day). I actually laughed like a lunatic at some of the earlier ones because I wondered why I put up with his garbage for so long. He fed me so much BS and actually validated it. Good grief! It was a very freeing experience to read and DELETE all those messages. And it opened my eyes in a new way. I am glad I saved all those messages, they taught me a lot.

[orangedog]

Two of my favorite ladies together on one thread.

Get it out as you need to but good on you for not sending it.

I feel like I've got some notes I'm ready to delete. I'm not even sure I want to oopen them.

[Serenity13]

City ~ Welcome

I love when new (to me) people pop by that I haven't heard from before to offer me advice. That was the 2nd letter I have actually sat down and composed here. I do write a lot, here, in my journal as well as my blog and you are right it is an amazing way to purge.

I was looking back through some emails I had from when my H was in Iraq and now 3 years later I can see the change. I can see when the MLC started almost to the day. I haven't deleted anything yet though. I still have the text he sent me on the day he bailed just in case.


O'dog - One of my favorite men around here...Nice to see you as always and I hope you are having a wonderful Saturday! If you feel you are unsure as to whether or not you want to reopen the notes, then just don't - No good drudging up all the old anger/bitterness/jealousy etc...You have come to far to take that slide back.

[Serenity13]

I hope all is well with each and everyone of you today

I had to work today and while I was at work my Sister was supposed to be keeping an eye on my little one well she ventured off into the shower and little one took the opportunity to call his Dad.

H talked to my little one, the oldest one as well as my niece before my Sister found out.

Now before you smack me around, I don't allow my little one to call his Dad for the simple fact that I never know which "H" is going to answer the phone. I don't want him saying something awful to our S and then while he may not remember it the next day, my little one would take awhile to forget.

Still told my S he would be home soon. Oldest one didn't talk to him long and my niece said he sounded sad.

Other then that little blip, it has been a nice day. Had a b-day party to attend with my youngest today and he bowled for a bit so he has had a great day. Not sure what the night holds - Getting a bit intoxicated sounds good however won't do any good so that is off the table.

I will see where the wind takes me

(((Hugs)))

[Gardener]

Serenity,

That should bring some much needed peace as long as you continue to look up for answers and not around (easier said then done).

Yep. Look up and look within (often the same thing, actually).
And like I always say, "Wait a minnit: Everything's easier said than done!"
((()))