In shock...

[praying_in_GA]

I am not sure I want to work for this marriage.

I just learned from my H that he has always had some degree of feelings for my sister. She does not know this. I asked him if he would pursue her if she did not have a boyfriend and he said he didn't know. I asked him if he knew what that would do to the entire family, his and mine. He said he wasn't sure what would happen. I asked if this was what contributed to our separation. He said no, that was all 'our' doing the he truly did love me when we got married. He said that as our relationship deteriorated he started seeing her in a different way.

Right now I am not sure I want to 'bust' this divorce or not. I am a bundle of emotions. I think I am going to take a break from my wedding ring. I need to decide if I want to be with someone who could feel this way.

If I choose to continue to try this, what actions would I take from here? Should I tell my sister his feelings? (He has asked me not to. He said she 'doesn't need this BS, she is trying to live her life without this Sh**.")

I was crying but now I am just mad. Please help.

[SillyOldBear]

I guess you needed this bullshit, right?

Even though he said that, he's probably half-hoping you'll tell her and then his feelings will be in the open but he won't be the bad guy--in fact, if it all turns out badly, he can always have you as the scapegoat, since he was manfully living with his dark secret until you, the vengeful woman, broke it out into the open and hurt everyone.

My advice (and take this for what it's worth, I realize you don't know my and I don't know you) is that the person who reveals his feelings to the rest of the family is going to be deeply involved in the crash that you seem convinced is going to come right after. All those effects you alluded to, in both families . . . if you break the news to your sister, those are all your problem. In your place, I would feel no obligation to take on all that drama for his sake just so he can avoid the trap he's put himself in (he can't tell her how he feels, but he's convinced he has genuine feelings and has to tell her how he feels.) I would be tempted to tell her and maybe the whole family just to watch it all backfire on him, and I imagine that you are too, but that never works out the way people plan it.

Inevitably, if the family finds out that your H wants your sister, there will be drama and conflict and you will be pulled into it to some extent. But if you choose to participate, I think you'll regret it. Whether he realizes it or not, this is his problem. Married people will feel attractions to other people. If he wants to be married, he will have to find a way to deal with those passing fancies while preserving his marriage to the woman to whom he committed his life.

And one more time, so it's clear: yes, it was a dirty trick to pull, telling you this. I'm sure he knows it and is probably feeling some mixture of anger and shame, whatever he's showing you.

[hoosiermama]

Rikki--this is rewriting history, a typical part of the script. My xH told me that he never fell out of love with the old gf he left me for, in spite of ~15 years of marriage, 3 pregnancies, and a 2 year stint in a monastery. I had heard in the beginning what a mess she was, drank too much, did drugs, manipulated him, completely messed up his life (he left the seminary for her, then she abruptly dumped him). And then he encounters her at work, and they're suddenly soulmates, destiny brought them back together, they have a deep unbreakable bond, etc etc etc. It's all justification, it's all rewriting, it's all brain chemicals. Just remember--don't believe anything you hear and only half of what you see.

[praying_in_GA]

Well, I also found out the breaking point of his decision to leave was the second time the condom broke this Oct. He never really wanted kids but we agreed to have our daughter. Our son was a complete surprise to us both. He does not want more kids. Period. The scares made him feel more trapped and cornered into the marriage.

He still likes me he just doesn't feel the love he once did. He said it didn't feel like we were married. It was just two people living together taking care of the kids. He said he thinks I should date a bit to see if I really do love him or if I am just comfortable and scared of change.

I told him I want to continue the separation. I have a lot to think about.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

PiGA,

He WON'T feel the love, so long as he is in contact with your sister. That's a physiological FACT. Right now, his brain is all awash in PEAs (looove chemicals), and it's masking his feelings for you, and he's RE-WRITING YOUR MARITAL HISTORY.

It's all SCRIPT.

I know, it doesn't make it HURT any less, but please don't take what he says about "never" having feelings for you to heart.

Personally, I'd advise against YOU telling your sister. I think your position with your husband right now needs to be "this is YOUR mess; YOU get to clean it up."

I also still don't know if I believe him when he says the feelings are one-sided.

Puppy

[Steve McQueen]

He said he thinks I should date a bit to see if I really do love him or if I am just comfortable and scared of change.

I told him I want to continue the separation. I have a lot to think about.

What's there to think about. Call his Bluff.
reverse the psychology here:

He said he thinks I should date a bit to see if he really do[es] love me or if he is just uncomfortable and scared of things staying the same.

you got alot to read go. through some of the threads here and see how this approach has actually work to make them think seriously about what they are walking away from.

[praying_in_GA]

PiGA,

He WON'T feel the love, so long as he is in contact with your sister. That's a physiological FACT. Right now, his brain is all awash in PEAs (looove chemicals), and it's masking his feelings for you, and he's RE-WRITING YOUR MARITAL HISTORY.

It's all SCRIPT.

I know, it doesn't make it HURT any less, but please don't take what he says about "never" having feelings for you to heart.

Personally, I'd advise against YOU telling your sister. I think your position with your husband right now needs to be "this is YOUR mess; YOU get to clean it up."

I also still don't know if I believe him when he says the feelings are one-sided.

Puppy

He doesn't want her to know he liked(s) her. He says there is no reason for her to know. If I leave it to him she will never find out until he finally hits in her or asks her out or something. If she knows SOME reason why she should cut down the contact with him maybe she would and he would lose the pursuit.

I don't know what to say about her feelings towards him. I know that he is not the type of guy she is usually attracted to. He's not her 'type'.

As far as he's concerned, he has made the decision to divorce me and sees no reason to try an squash any feelings (new or old) for her.

He said we just grew apart. After our daughter he thought things were better but then our son came along and we spent more time apart becoming room-mates. He said he fought those feelings and tried to grow back the love feelings for so long he is tired of doing it. I know his increased contact with my sister is clouding any chance of him giving us a shot again.

[praying_in_GA]

He said he thinks I should date a bit to see if I really do love him or if I am just comfortable and scared of change.

I told him I want to continue the separation. I have a lot to think about.

What's there to think about. Call his Bluff.
reverse the psychology here:

He said he thinks I should date a bit to see if he really do[es] love me or if he is just uncomfortable and scared of things staying the same.

you got alot to read go. through some of the threads here and see how this approach has actually work to make them think seriously about what they are walking away from.

So, would you suggest I go on a date? I have a wedding coming up in Dec and with no husband I was going to go alone. I could ask a guy friend (who he doesn't know) to go with me.

Another friend said that if one partner starts dating the other party can file for a divorce easier. Like, it wouldn't matter if I refused to sign the papers if I started dating.

Oh, and I have tried to read several threads. They are so long! LOL! I will dedicate more time to it soon.

[KLC]

My name is Kelly.

My H and I have been together since we were 17 years old. We married at 20 and in July had our 21st anniversary. Our daughter is 20 years old. A week ago he left. We are both 41 years old.

This is not the first time he left but this time he was gone when I got home from work and has a place of his own. He left once before in June of '08. He left for the day and then came back to talk and stayed.

I do believe that he is "lost". I believe there is some depression issues and possibly some midlife crisis issues. He of course does not see this.

Our daughter graduated high school in 2007 and from there we started planning on him going back to college to get his Ph.D. This would mean quitting our jobs, selling our house and moving 400 miles away. We had had some stress during this time but it seemed like it was understandable considering what we were about to do.

We were prepared to move on July 15, 2008 and about 3 weeks before that is when I woke up one morning to a note on the kitchen cupboard saying that he no longer wanted to be married, he wanted to independent and live on his own - ILYBNILWY

He ended up coming back home that day. I threw myself on him begging him not to leave with the promise that things would get better because we were moving, he was finally getting to pursue his dream of a Ph.D. He said he would give it 6 months to see how things were going. He stayed and we moved.

The first months were hard because I felt like I was walking on eggshells. Never sure what I might do or not do that might give him the feeling that he needed to be alone and away from me. We passed the 6 month mark and I felt that we were starting to move forward.

Two days before he finally left he came home to tell me that he just couldn't do it anymore. Again I begged and pleaded and he stayed. He waited for me to go to work on Friday, packed his stuff and left. He wrote a letter to my friend telling her what he was doing so she could be there when I got home. I came home to a dark house and my friend.

It has been 8 days now. I am still numb. We have seen each other 2 times in this period and we are having breakfast tomorrow morning.

I bought DR yesterday and spent most of last night and this morning reading it. I have hope. I have faith in the man I married (where ever he is buried inside this shell).

We have an appointment with a therapist but not for another 10 days (I am going out of town next week for a conference). I feel though that our agendas might be very different and I worry about that.

I am concerned about his mental health because I do believe he has some depression issues.

Anyone out there that can shed some light on the depression issue?

Thanks!!

Kelly

[KLC]

I'm sorry I should have posted this in a new reply.