That's exactly how I feel. Was fine before, then felt a sudden rush of pain. Like someone had just died. I've got a feeling there us plenty more of these ups and downs to come.
Your W wants out, she no longer loves you, she has someone else, she hates you, you've caused her pain etc etc ... yups whatever the motivations behind the sitch are, you feel regret, fear, instability, and most importantly loss of control and direction.
12 pages in and (for once) I don't think anyone has seriously mentioned detachment? So detach mate, and work on yourself. Do it so that you become a better person even if she's not around to see it. Accept that her choices and decisions are hers. Her feelings are hers.
A lot of us have been here. There's hope and you can almost always come out of this with a positive outcome, even if the outcome isn't what you would wish for if you had a magic lamp and 3 wishes now.
Your W is in WAS mode. Everything you described comes with the territory. She didn't get there in a heartbeat and she won't be leaving there any time soon. So knuckle down and do some hard work.
Not that you'll be alone and helpless. There'll be people here and elsewhere rooting for you and giving you support. That's already something to be very grateful for.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Stu , wish I new how to deal with it, I've stopped drinking for the last 6 weeks, o I cant even go out and get drunk to numb the pain. I think he only way to deal with the pain will be to accept it is what it is and try and move on from there, I've done this about 1000 time in my head over the last week, I'm just hoping it starts to stick eventually.
Like deep said I think detaching is the only way, I just wish it was as easy to do as it is to type.
I know what you mean about your W being fine while you are dying inside, what is killing me is I try to detach and then like today, she treated my crap at my S concert this morning, did not say more than 2 words to me, I leave I'm feeling all the pain and anger, I say to myself that she has given up and I must start to move on, I calm down and start to feel a little better, then she phones me for no real reason just to say my S is sleeping and he had fun at concert. Then hope builds up in me, I think great maybe theirs a chance, but I can bet you when I get home tonight she will be as cold as ice and all the pain will come flooding back again.
Just got to keep trying I suppose and take it each moment at a time.
Last edited by Inaspin; 11/14/0911:34 AM.
M: 30 W: 32 Married: 9 years s: 2.8 Bomb dropped: 7-10-09 same house, bed, no physical contact My sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1871805&page=1
Well then, you're letting your Ws jerk you around an emotional chain / rope.
She can only do that as long as you choose to let her do that.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
You have to work through the pain in an honest way. There is no quick answer. Trying to numb the pain will not work. Acknowledge your sitch for what it is and know that time is a healer.
Pursuing a WAS with invitations and expectations will not work, It is only natural to want to invite your spouse out but when someone wants out of a R the last thing they want is invitations from the LBS. Let the cage door open. They want out. Let them out while you detach and GAL. You must acknowledge that you do not control your S or your sitch. You CONTROL yourself and by so doing you can INFLUENCE your S.
They wlll blow hot and cold. They will contact and pull back. They are human and at the end of the day they still have feelings and may be connected to LBS on some emotional level even if they do not SHOW it. The trick is to manage your expectations. Acknowledge the phone calls and interactions as nice moments but do not pin your entire existence on them. You must FOCUS in yourself and your growth.
Note well that the above are just my thoughts and I am not a relationship expert. We can speak in generalisations on this board but each individual knows his sitch better than anyone else ever can. DBing is not about absolute rules but about WHAT WORKS. Find WHAT WORKS for you.Get yourself healthy emotionally and physically and take the rest from there.
At the moment Stu you are totally responsible for everything that has gone wrong in her life! Thats how she sees it! WRONG! What you have to start showing her is that actually SHE is responsible for the things going wrong. But be warned she is going to hate it, so far she has blamed you, so set her free theoretically to get on with it, ok her parents may help but if they are being good parents they will also want her to stand on her own two feet and get on with things.
Always do everything you agreed to do, eg pick S up when you said you would, do things on the house like you said you would, you have to be without fault, but where the detaching comes in, is no rescuing her from herself, if she plans badly or something comes up she'd like to do, TOUGH if you hadnt arranged it early she has to lump it! She just cant do it.
Ok she is sure gonna get angry a helluver lot more before she sees sense, but helping her isnt going to help. And you have to come to terms that all this may end up with is you both being good parents and maybe one day friends.
Its true we all go along well for a few days then need folks to motivate us again, but the patches in between do get smaller!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
I know I need to detach, but it's so hard especially when our son calls me in the morning, and asks me to go to the beach with them. It broke my heart to say "No". I would of loved to of gone, but I know W would of been upset with me.
Well you are definitely not alone that is for sure. I just read some of your situation and honestly you sound exactly like me, your feelings, the way you view this whole thing, everything. The only difference being you are a man! He he. I too feel your pain. Its been six weeks for me and it hasnt got any easier. As like someone mentioned above they will come around and them pull back and my H has been doing this constantly for weeks.i am going to continue to read up on your situation and help when I can. Take care.
M: 31 H: 29 Married: 6 yrs Children : 7yr old, 5yr old, 2yr old
Separated: Sept. '09 Moved Back In for wrong reasons: Nov. 30, 09 Recomitted to our Marriage: Jan. 25, 10 Threatening to leave again: July,14
