K4D Rising #4

[25yearsmlc]

1) The purpose in giving her the chance to waive service or choose where to be served, is so she won't be embarrassed at work or shamed at home -especially if the girls are there. If you KNOW she'll be served at home and you have the kids, maybe that's fine. If not, what the heck is the harm in asking her which she'd prefer? From my experience, it's considered discourteous to not let the person choose where they want to be served, and since you have children, and she has a career (which is also in your interests to protect) you should offer her the choice of where to get the papers or to waive service altogether. She'll have to sign for the waiver anyhow.
2) I don't care about you meeting the ow. Actually, I pretty much agree with what gucci said and that's unusual. What I wish to God you had learned is that you have been way too judgemental in the past about 2nd M's, and calling people who date or marry previously marrieds, "whores" or "losers" or worse. That's what really bothered me (& CG commented on that). How harshly you judged others. Learn from that and stop seeing the world so black and white.

3) the drinking bugs me b/c you do exactly what nearly all alcoholics do when they relapse; they don't go out and get wasted the first time they fall off the wagon. Most of the time, they fool themselves and "control" their drinking temporarily, and sometimes for months...and then they do it some more and then it damages a job, reduces ambition, hurts a relationship or causes an accident. Your previous drinking did all these things, it hurt your career, created havoc in your marriage (to the point where your w referred to you as an "alcoholic"). You were also an apathetic father by your own admission, b/c you liked to drink when you got home, and you didn't like making hard choices, but preferred leaving those up to your w. Drinking makes that abdication easier I suppose. If none of those reasons are enough for you to stay away from booze like the plague, then what's to say?

4) please don't say you "only had 2 drinks" AND that you are "working the 12 steps" in the same paragraph. Drink or don't drink. But don't pretend to be in the program when you are not practicing it. Having 2 sponsors (WHY?) and not calling either before you took a drink, being in a bar in the first place...etc.

Like I said, if you want to keep drinking, go ahead. But don't offend those of us who actually live and practice the 12 steps, by saying the rest of what you said. It's too bad you don't "get it" though. I mean, actually understanding what it means to DO the steps, (to my knowlege you have not done them or we'd know) would have helped you with setting boundaries, learning self love and self respect and improving as a person, so much. The 4th step and taking a moral inventory and making amends to those whom we've harmed, is a powerful experience...you never got there. Oh well.

Finally, You and your w both have a lot of growing to do before either one of you is ready to enter "piecing" which is mandatory before a real reconciliation could take place. Her "redeeming herself" presupposes you doing the same and from what she wrote about you months ago and her complaints with you...have you really improved that much to say it's all about her changes?

I don't know. I just see a lot of cyclical behavior. As for being at the end or your rope, yeah, we get it. The one thing everyone here agrees on is that you have to do something far different than what you have been doing.

CG's notes are priceless and detailed. Print them out b/c your memory is short. Read them daily... Seriously.
j-