We went to an associate of MWD in Illinois for C yesteday from 9 to 4pm, a mini intensive. She is a Divorcebusting C and she is pro marriage. Puppy--My H was upright about the reasons for the A--major unhappiness in our marriage, feeling not prioritized, feeling overwhelmed by my negativity, badgering, feeling not prioritized but is not ready for the Ow At the end of the session, My H agreed to do phone C with her too. After it all, I felt better last night and woke up this morning feeling terrible but its because like everybody else I dont like limbo or being patient. Basically, the C felt there was a "good news" in that my H is a moral man with a conscience (I know that sounds a little weird after a 2 year A) and his A is tearing him up and he does know it is wrong, a violation of his marriage vows, the antithesis of everything he taught his children and against his religious beliefs but he is basically like an addict now--he needs her--he keeps using the word "escape" from the the negatives at home. The C gently tried to plant the seeds that his escape is eventually going to have real life issues and problems but right now he just says she is never angry,rude, upset, or jealous--just understanding, happy, easy to be with, non demanding, fine with waiting for his decision.
The C said his crying and remorse over the lying and cheating is good because she gets many men who come in and see nothing wrong with the A if it makes them happy or the marriage was not good.
But the bad news is he is now so invested in the A that he doesnt want to hurt her. He does not have feelings (except he still cares, ILYBIDLY)for me but he does for her and is not ready to give her up. He does not want to hurt her. He is in the deciding mode about what to do and I believe if kids werent somewhat important to him the decision would be made for her. He did say that prior to "my completely out of what he considered would be my flip out, angry, crying response when he left"--he had promised Ow he would be out and getting a divorce but is not so sure now. COuld be lying again. The C said he is so used to saying things to people to avoid conflict that he cant really distinquish the truth. He will do anything to avoid hurting peoples feelings, conflict, negative emotions and it is a lifelong pattern
My gut reaction tells me that it is my adult children's response and anger that has really made him stop and think. On the car ride down, he told me he had no clue they would be angry at him. How can you have no clue but I reallly believe he is telling the truh as hesees it here. He said he talked to the Ow after the kids unloading on him and told her to be aware her kids might get angry at her too. Apparently they dont talk about any consequences of their actions. I told him the kids were not originally planning on seeing him at Thanksgiving or Christmas until grandpa died and that they have told me they will not be at Xmas next year with her there but will meet with him at a restaurant etc alone. He is totally blown away by this and never expected it. I told C in my private session that I wasnt sure I wanted him back if he would even decide for me if it is just out of guilt but she said people stay in a marriage for many reasons and that reasons can change. Right now he is on a kick about being honest with the kids as he thinks this will make it all better with th kids--wants to tell his mother. Amazing how when it suits him, being dishonest is to protect me and everyone else and now he thinks it will change the kids, he cant wait to be honest--except with the OW H! Honestly, talking and listening to him made me realize that he has very little self insight,cannot really think very far ahead in terms of consequences, people's emotions. When he gets uncomfortable with his emotions, he puts them in a box and involves himself in the present moment doing fun,light hearted conversation or watching TV, talking about the office with her and forgets about the "not so pleasant stuff" The C told him he really is between a rock and a hard place as any decision will end up hurting someone and will not be pleasant for him. She really kept revisiting how emotions come and go but our underlying morals and values do not change and we should use them as guideposts. I hope he heard.
As for me, I need to continue to GAL, to be happy, pleasant, non confrontational, talk in less than 4 sentences, slow down my speech, be a little distant, judge if what I am doing is working by whether his response is neutral, happy, upset. She did say he has hidden his true responses to me for so long that I am right when I say I dont trust myself to know if the his response is really positive or fake. But there isnt much I can do about that. I am getting IC too through DB.
