It seems that H's changes only last but a few weeks and only last as long as things are going well between us - translated " as long as I don't place any demands on him". I don't think I am placing unusually hard demands but more like when I am upset/sad about anything he has no sympathy. Not only that, he somehow turns my "problem" into his problem. Leaving my issues unaddressed. We can't seem to move forward without addressing his issues and it never seems to matter that I have gone along without ever getting my issues resolved.
Hence, what I did last week was to read up on boundary setting. While the MC taught us to step away from each other when angry to cool down before talking further, H takes it much farther. H seriously distances himself and/or cuts me off -cancelling plans at the last minute, shutting off his phone etc and then demands that I am the one who has to change before we can move forward to resolve whatever.
Anyway, after reading about boundary setting, I decided last weekend that when he cut me off again, I would take the same position with him with one difference. The difference was that I emailed him what I needed from him before we could move forward acknowledging how difficult this year is for him as he is sorting out his own life.
Still angry, he responds by email with a defense of his viewpoint without any mention of my issue and then calls to see if I read his email and what did I think? I simply said that it didn't address my issue and he is still focused on his issue so nothing has changed. End of story. Have not heard from him since. Did notice though at work, he is wearing his ring and the other day I saw him playing with it a lot.
For those who followed from early on - I had a major problem with H taking off his ring everytime he got mad at me. I know that others have a lot a views on this one and I have my own. Well, I came to terms with the fact that I can't control what he does. So, it is interesting that he is behaving a little differently. Maybe he is thinking things over one way or the other. For me, over the past year, I have been preparing myself for either outcome. More so since the move failed in Aug. And without me holding us together, he won't don't it.
On top of this stuff, the "new" issue for H is that he does not want to live in my house now. I would like to move and have been looking this past year, either way, however, this is the most feasible way to live on our incomes or mine. So where does that leave us? A new place would create a lot less security and much higher monthly costs. i even suggested that we could make any alterations he would like with a small equity loan and it would still be cheaper. Mind you all, his issue is that he didn't choose this place, I did before meeting him and redid the entire place. His new issue is that it is too old and he would never purchase a place as one alternative to resolve yet another issue is that he could take out a loan to pay for half the house and be on the mortgage. Again, from the beginning, I offered to put him on the mortgage when we married, but he refused saying that it should go to the kids. One year later, after many threats to divorce me and serious other problems related to his drinking he gave me an ultimatum that he be placed on the mortgage or he would leave me. I deliberated a lot and reminded him that in good conscience I had offered that deal the year before - he turned it down and now I have seen unacceptable and undependable behavior that cautions me not to go that route right now. I did offer to make a legal agreement that he could stay in the house if anything happened to me or to put him on the house if we are still together at some agreed upon date and the kids are not living there. He refused that agreement but eventually chose to drop the issue. Recently I had thought that another solution was for him to take out a loan for half of the house - or purchase it himself. Before suggesting this H brought up the same idea and as you saw, he had decided that he wouldn't do it. So where does that leave me/us? Feels that it is always something.... and we haven't ever addressed my issues.
I also want to say that I thought getting sober and becoming RC over the past year would have been healthy steps in our relationship. But it hasnt' and I don't understand that.
