Dang Kass! He is so complicated. Seems to make mountains out of mole hills. Breakaway is right, he can't handle his own feelings and has no clue how to handle yours whether they have anything to do with him or not. Its almost like he doesn't have the coping tools that the rest have. May be an A thing. They have medicated thier thoughts and feelings and pretty much ignored everyone elses and now when they are sober its a foreign thing.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Update: Complicated is what life is! But it is true that A recovery means recovery in everyway. Learning to cope without a diversion that numbs you etc.
I am not sending the email at all. I left a simple phone message about how we could have spent the whole weekend together if it weren't for the negative thoughts and doubts lingering. He called and apologized. He offered to come over and help me with the house and shopping. Explained simply that what he learned this weekend was how talking about things too much doesn't fix anything - it only puts us further apart - basically saying that it doesn't work. He took responsibility for saying things our of anger and not really meaning them without thinking.
About me - I learned that I can make mountains out of molehill's too. I have been trying to figure out how to navigate his recovery and our relationship and my own stuff. Most of the time I am ok - but I always had a limit as to how much I can handle. H does get obsessed with things but i have been unable to detach from it. I have always seen life having too many interruptions and somehow I see them as taking away from me the things I love and forcing me to focus on things that I don't have time for. (Did that make sense?) I am a very organized person and I do manage a lot in the course of a day fairly well, but I guess I have certain expectations that interfere. Need to work on that.
I am not taking the responsibility for H's behavior - can't and doesn't work - but just trying to understand my own. For the first time in 27 years I am on my own again and it is easier to see how things affect me (not the people)- not that people can't help more than not - but I could do more and I could just be ok with what I can do and let the rest go.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Things are ok. H has not been gotten angry about anything - it is as if it is all gone - left the building. Never saw this before. Stress is low and he is taking much more responsibility for managing it and not dumping on me. We have agreed to no more R talks. At first that left us with nothing to talk about. This week though H has been listening to talk shows and reading more of a variety and talks about many different things so we can talk about anything. The warmth and comfortableness of our R has come back. It amazes me how that still survives.
My daughter came home for a mini -break but the two of them did fine together. D seems so changed - more mature and responsible.
I have been doing some work on my own issues and learning a lot. So I know if for any reason this M doesn't last, I will be ok.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
It seems that H's changes only last but a few weeks and only last as long as things are going well between us - translated " as long as I don't place any demands on him". I don't think I am placing unusually hard demands but more like when I am upset/sad about anything he has no sympathy. Not only that, he somehow turns my "problem" into his problem. Leaving my issues unaddressed. We can't seem to move forward without addressing his issues and it never seems to matter that I have gone along without ever getting my issues resolved.
Hence, what I did last week was to read up on boundary setting. While the MC taught us to step away from each other when angry to cool down before talking further, H takes it much farther. H seriously distances himself and/or cuts me off -cancelling plans at the last minute, shutting off his phone etc and then demands that I am the one who has to change before we can move forward to resolve whatever.
Anyway, after reading about boundary setting, I decided last weekend that when he cut me off again, I would take the same position with him with one difference. The difference was that I emailed him what I needed from him before we could move forward acknowledging how difficult this year is for him as he is sorting out his own life.
Still angry, he responds by email with a defense of his viewpoint without any mention of my issue and then calls to see if I read his email and what did I think? I simply said that it didn't address my issue and he is still focused on his issue so nothing has changed. End of story. Have not heard from him since. Did notice though at work, he is wearing his ring and the other day I saw him playing with it a lot.
For those who followed from early on - I had a major problem with H taking off his ring everytime he got mad at me. I know that others have a lot a views on this one and I have my own. Well, I came to terms with the fact that I can't control what he does. So, it is interesting that he is behaving a little differently. Maybe he is thinking things over one way or the other. For me, over the past year, I have been preparing myself for either outcome. More so since the move failed in Aug. And without me holding us together, he won't don't it.
On top of this stuff, the "new" issue for H is that he does not want to live in my house now. I would like to move and have been looking this past year, either way, however, this is the most feasible way to live on our incomes or mine. So where does that leave us? A new place would create a lot less security and much higher monthly costs. i even suggested that we could make any alterations he would like with a small equity loan and it would still be cheaper. Mind you all, his issue is that he didn't choose this place, I did before meeting him and redid the entire place. His new issue is that it is too old and he would never purchase a place as one alternative to resolve yet another issue is that he could take out a loan to pay for half the house and be on the mortgage. Again, from the beginning, I offered to put him on the mortgage when we married, but he refused saying that it should go to the kids. One year later, after many threats to divorce me and serious other problems related to his drinking he gave me an ultimatum that he be placed on the mortgage or he would leave me. I deliberated a lot and reminded him that in good conscience I had offered that deal the year before - he turned it down and now I have seen unacceptable and undependable behavior that cautions me not to go that route right now. I did offer to make a legal agreement that he could stay in the house if anything happened to me or to put him on the house if we are still together at some agreed upon date and the kids are not living there. He refused that agreement but eventually chose to drop the issue. Recently I had thought that another solution was for him to take out a loan for half of the house - or purchase it himself. Before suggesting this H brought up the same idea and as you saw, he had decided that he wouldn't do it. So where does that leave me/us? Feels that it is always something.... and we haven't ever addressed my issues.
I also want to say that I thought getting sober and becoming RC over the past year would have been healthy steps in our relationship. But it hasnt' and I don't understand that.
Well. Sometimes people are just alcoholics. Sometimes people abuse alcohol because of other issues/illness/personality disorders. So the alcoholism can be a symptom of what's really wrong with them.
Your husband hasn't changed without alcohol. This last post really hits on the self-centeredness and really narcissistic traits he has. I would read up on that. This making every single thing about him, and shutting off contact when you displease him...those are troubling things.
I still have my issues with my H, but I can say that he is different without alcohol, and when it comes back in the picture he goes back to irrational behavior. Now is he even being able to recognize his problem behavior ON HIS OWN and correct it without me saying anything. Sometimes.
Trust your instincts Kassie. This isn't adding up to you because there is something wrong with him.
well, the next day, husband called to "work things out" - I told him that the only way to work things out was to address my issue - not his. To my surprise, he asked and after listening, admitted he was wrong and wanted to do better by me.
He not only admitted he was wrong this time, but agreed that while we both had been through a lot in the R b/c of his drinking - he finally understood the difference between his behavior and mine. I wasn't perfect but I was reacting normally to an abnormal situation. He on the other hand was reacting abnormally to normal situations.
Since then things have been good! He is aware of the three week monster and is prepared to deal with it. I have to say that I have been through a lot with his "recovery" not going so well - but this time - I noticed that his poster is different and his facial expression (at rest) is different. He is even holding me now instead of the opposite. He took back everything he said about the house and he has been helping me to fix things up.
About the lack of change I mentioned before - there is a huge difference w/o the alcohol - and now each time we take a break - he makes more of a lasting change (baby steps) so he really is much different than the person I lived with before. I also know that he has other problems that are at the root of his behavior. He is aware of it and working on it as we speak. One of the problems he has had to face is that everyone in his life enabled him except me - which makes me the good guy and the bad guy at the same time for him. He has been rescued his whole life until I came along and said he had to grow up. So, he has a lot to do but this was something that took him awhile to realize was affecting his view of me. No one ever asked anything of him or gave him any responsibility with the exception of advanced schooling.
So, while I wait to see how the next cycle goes - I feel more confident that he is changing - and that if it doesn't work out for any reason I have options and I am ok.
