If that was aggressive, what would be an assertive way to say the same
There is no assertive way in this case unless you want both your wife and daughter to keep on believing you are still a "snapper." I highly doubt that being assertive would do much other than your WS and daughter talking about "well, that is just the way he is" and then shutting down more emotionally to you. "Daddy is sensitive and doesn't think he sounds to you like he really comes across when he is angry"
Now.. I think you could make a case about being assertive if you would have done something like this....
"Ok WS, I WILL have a talk with daughter. I certainly can understand how she would feel that I snapped at her and I don't want her to feel that way about me. I will handle it.
And THEN... Actually have a talk with your daughter and ASK her how she felt about the conversation. Allow her to tell you her side and feelings to her own reality to the conversation. Clear it up. Apologize if necessary.
You may gain both respect and empathy with your daugher AND you WS. I would think that your daughter would confide to your WS that "daddy apologized". Not a word needs to be said to the WS.
Then put it behind you and move on and focus on being a happy, mature man. I would call THAT assertive.
