It's too hard sometimes

[TooLateForMe]

And, ever the one to worry about how I'm being interpreted, I followed up w/:

The previous email will likely set you off again and convince you I'm trying to make you miserable. this is you mind reading, read up on cognitive dissonance I can deal with DD13's reaction to what I said on my own. Instead of telling me what I did wrong, your wife is a adult and can choose to tell you whatevr she wants, this is a controlling statement by you in the future pretend you think I'm a human being once again you are assuming what she thinks, very condesending and controlling and tell me her reaction and I can deal with that on my own. Just say this, I can deal with it myself My conversation was with her, not you.

By no contact, I meant no phone contact. I had planned a period of no phoning, but I didn't make that clear. so there is a communicaion problem Simply, I don't want to hear your voice. how do you think that sounded to her? Take that personally if you want now you are telling her what to do, no reason to say this, she can take it however she wants , but I am making progress detaching and it is difficult to hear you speak. Don't tell her show her A simple solution is to speak with the girls in a separate room from you.

I don't want to upset the girls, but I'm not going to be lectured. but you lecture her Tell me how DD13 or DD10 is feeling or even how you are feeling and I will respond appropriately. Why would she because you mind read - you tell her what she is thinking and feeling I can be sympathetic to your situation, but I'm done with the aggression. Your actions speak otherwise Period. The last email and this one weren't intended to be aggressive, just assertive. you missed the mark

Also, doesn't it concern you that DD13 is sick so often? that's a passive-agresive comment

DD13 has missed a fair amount of school due to "illness." I think a lot of it is due to the sitch. And W's general laziness of late, in that she would rather DDs stay home than fight about it if they claim to be ill. since you know everything your wife thinks then why does she need to respond

You think for your wife. Marriage killer. Read up on validating and boundaries. You can handle it
Cheers

She doesn't need to respond. But I get what you're saying. The "making her miserable" attitude comes from specific evidence. She's said as much.

Telling her I don't want to hear her voice is an honest reaction to why D13 thinks I snapped at her. I told D not to talk about W and to go into the other room to talk to me. D didn't like this (evidence: she got off the phone fast after that, and I got the email from W that night).

I have a history of snapping, so all emotions that come from me are assumed to be anger. But I wanted it clear I don't want to be attacked, I want to be consulted about the facts. I was once treated with that kind of respect but not any longer.

Advice on how to specify boundaries w/out coming across as aggressive would be greatly appreciated. I don't need to show her detachment as I don't think a reconciliation is ever going to happen. I'm just beginning to figure out my own boundaries and need them communicated w/out extra drama. I'm also done apologizing to her.

If that was aggressive, what would be an assertive way to say the same?