For those with a WAS...How do you cope?

[Virtually_Handsome]

If you have a friend that you want to text... have at it! I just don't think a positive, upbeat, bubbly kind of person such as yourself should go so far as to make things up!

I understand that some people will disagree!

[courts0818]

Yeah. When your head is spinning (like mine is), it's just hard to think rationally and really know the right path to take. All this drama makes me question every move I make and it's ridiculous.

[TrentC]

Yeah, I get it - the texting to thin air part, but it could make him wonder.

But if he figures out that you're not talking to anybody -- cell phone bills will often show times and dates of sent and received msgs -- then your efforts will be for naught because he'll see it all as manipulative.

And do you really want to rebuild a relationship using deception?

[courts0818]

No, I don't want to become blatantly decepetive or deceitful...those are 2 behaviors I currently despise in my H. However, we are nowhere near rebuilding our R. And it wouldn't hurt for him to wonder what I'm up to, what I'm doing, who I'm talking to and so forth. But I suppose he can wonder all of these things through my 180s and GAL. It's up to me and how much I really go live my life.

And really, texting to thin air won't work in my situation. I coordinate a mentoring program and I have 125 high school kids that I lead. Our primary form of communication is texting so the vast majority of the time he just thinks I'm talking to a high school kid - bc I often am.

[bluerain]

Courtney, who were you texting when he was so curious before? It seems like your GALing gets a reaction from him. I agree with Jeff, creating the illusion of a boyfriend is not how you want to play this. I think that instead you should create the illusion that you want nothing further to do with him. One of your GALing activities could be meeting some people to text!

I would just tell him that you know, and you dont appreciate it. I dont think that you should tell him that you wont share him, or live in an open marriage if you arent totally committed to that, and prepared to be firm about it. Setting boundaries that you cant be firm about dont do alot to make you look strong!

[courts0818]

Hi bluerain,
I was actually texting my sister (I think) when my H acted curious about it.

I think maybe my GAL does get his attention (at least for a minute). But, sometimes I feel like he doesn't even notice or care, because he never says anything about it - he really doesn't ask where I'm going, what I'm doing, who I'll be with and that sort of thing. I have to keep in mind 2 things - 1. It's not about him, it's about me. 2. Just bc he doesn't verbalize anything, doesn't mean he doesn't notice.

I totally want to create the illusion (and today it's not really an illusion, it's how I really feel) that I want nothing further to do with him.

I am committed to not sharing him. The reason I stuck around so long (well, there are many reasons) - but really, I am here bc I have never been able to confirm a PA between them. Yes, I have proof of all the phone calls and now I know her name and that they email (since she's in his contacts). But, that's all I really know. Of course, I have big assumptions.

I don't know how to go about confirming a PA and finding out if OW is married. If I can find out those 2 things, boundaries will be set and I will absolutely tell him I will NOT live in an open marriage - hell no. I'm trying to gather evidence like others suggest and then approach H. But, I'm tired of sitting around and not having the info that I need. It's like I'm just sitting here letting it happen and that eats away at me.

I'm so done with living like this and his bs.

Gotta run for now, little one needs breakfast. : )

[HelpMe!]

Courtney,

I just finished reading your thread. I feel for you and admire the patience you've had.

My situation is somewhat differnt from yours; I am the H and my W is the WAS, but I did many of the things your husband did to cause my W to leave. We were differnt people and didn't focus on our marriage. We both have great careers and three great kids. We are H.S. sweethearts. Our marriage was too far down the list of priorities.

I can tell you that when I read through your thread, I felt very low.

Currently, my W and I are seperated, we have been married for 11+ years and together for 15. The holidays are going to be very tough.

My W, I am confident, suffers from severe depression, and I am not saying that because I don't want this to be "my fault", I am saying it because I honestly believe it and our MC agreed 100%.

I haven't posted on many other peoples threads, and I don't think I have much to offer as far as advice. My wife said ILYBINILWY at the end of August. We've been seperated since. She asked for a divorce.

I read DR and started DBing like crazy. I fell off the wagon a few times and have lived the rollercoaster day to day.

If you read "Love Dare" then you know that addicitons are parasites. They tend to feed on emptiness in our lives. We drink, view porn, gamble, etc.. because we are missing something in our lives. I suspect your H is doing more of this because he is missing more in his life, hopefully that is YOU.

I can't possibly imagine doing what I have been doing for as long as you have; but it gives me encouragment. I've only been at this since August.

I hate it when people say this to me, but like I said, I don't have much advice to give other than to "Hang in there".

[courts0818]

I need help! I'm so confused. I tried bluffing tonight and my H called me out. I'm clueless as to what I should say or do. I've been a wreck since I saw OW's name in his email and I wanted him to think I was DONE, that I'm moving forward and looking for someone else. Stupid, I guess.

He has me such a mess that I can't think straight.

text messages:

H: so what r u thinkin (about plans for today)

Me: thinkin I'll just take her (DD) to the baby shower with me

H: ok whatever. I'm at work right now so I'll try getting up there later. How long will that last?

Me: think it's until 2 & what do you mean "try" to get up here? (I asked that ? bc I couldn't leave for church until he got here and I volunteered to help there tonight)

Me: & what r u doing 2night/where r u going? don't want 2 run in2 u - don't want to end up @ the same place (bc I had plans to go out after church)

H: Oh yeah! Why is that?

Me: i just don't

H: Uh why? U gotta a guy with ya? So I take it I need to ask mom then or what.

Me: if u plan 2 go out, yep u need 2 ask ur mom & if I did have a guy with me, would that b a problem? imma assume no since we've been on this ridiculous separation bs 4 over a year

That was early in the day. Here's the recent messages:

Me: some talk about DD, then, "so where r u gonna b?"

H: why do keep asking? Where u gonna b?

Me: like I said....i just wanna do my own thing & don't want any drama or whatever. having an early drink with * (friend), then off 2 do my own thing.

H: And why would there be drama?

Me: idk

H: Hmmmm. Well I can pretty much figure what's going on.

Me: what's going on? and really...could u blame me? let's be real here...u talk 2 a "friend" and i've waited 4 a yr. u don't want me...fine. but i'm not waiting around any longer.

H: I didn't say anything, so relax

Me: so it's cool with u if i date?

H: U do what u gotta do! But one thing, remember I pay all the bills. As of right now, house and truck are off limits! Fair?

Me: oh sure...so I'll just go fu** some guy @ his house & that will make it just fine,huh? um, ok

H: Nope didn't mean that

Me: um yeah - u pretty much said it's cool - whatever i do & whoever i do it with. u just don't want me fu***** some guy @ home home or in the truck. well, okay then. that's all i need 2 know.

H: whatever

I'm sitting here in disbelief that he actually said I should do what I gotta do (in response to my dating question). And then he says, just don't do it in our home or in our truck. Are you kidding me?????????? WTH???????

I can't take this any longer. I will NOT stand for my husband to have OW. HELL NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't want to lose him, I don't want a divorce, but I cannot handle this any longer. To hear my H pretty much give me the okay to date makes me sick, like seriously I'm ready to throw up.

I was so furious, I typed up this text, but didn't send it, "Fu** you * (his name). I cannot even believe you. You can have your R with * (OW). She can have your piece of sh** a$$, cause I don't want you. You make me sick. You can both rot in hell. You don't deserve to be my husband or DD's dad." The day you are forced to look DD in the eye & tell her what you have done, I hope she tells you how disgusting, evil, replusive, nasty and horrible you are."

See what an emotional mess I am? I can't live like this. I feel complete betrayal and it's eating me up.

What do I do? What boundaries do I set? How do I deal with this? Help! Help! Help!

[Virtually_Handsome]

Well......

I guess trying to bluff wasn't a great plan!

First, I think you should just forget that whole episode. Bringing it up at all isn't going to help.

I think doing anything out of the emotion you are feeling now is very dangerous. Better to give yourself a chance to breathe, and calm down. Then you can think about the boundaries you want to set, and how to set them.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

This all sounds very childish to me. Not really sure how I can help.

Puppy