No, just chillin'. Lots of work, little of time. WAW and I have almost no contact, so there's nothing significant to report. We had a parent-teacher conference today, sat nearly next to each other, didn't interact. No problem.
Thank you, thank you SmileysPerson for detailing your experience in each of the three Phases of DBing. Now I am wondering if I should cancel my DB phone session on Monday...except it could help me "define my path and walk it."
These observations of yours especially resonated with me-- 1) we need to be honest about the quality of our marriage that we're trying to save--are we seeing the relationship with rose colored glasses?
2) We all will survive if we D and we might even become happy in a new relationship!
3)If we want to reconcile, we need to be strong enough and prepared to "eat plates of sh*t," especially if others disagree with our decision and/or we bashed our spouse too much.
4)detaching works to get your spouse back but detaching while still caring is better for working on piecing the marriage together than truly detaching with a new relationship
and THE MOST IMPORTANT POINT: We don't truly know why the WAS come back.We must give up wanting to control them.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
It's weird. The anger cycle continues. And it continues to get precipitated by the dumbest things. This time it was tools.
WAW Herself had asked to borrow some tools to do some decorating around her house before Boyfriend -- Signore il Secono -- visits later in the month. (How do I know it's Boyfriend? All the comments were of the vague "someone is coming over" variety, but when she's had presumably non-controversial company it's always been"Jane/Mary/sister/etc. is spending the weekend" -- this is WAW's way; she thinks abstraction is camouflage.)
So I lent them but asked for them back; this led to a "well I want to inventory them because I want my half" which led to a p*ssing contest -- what, you want half the sockets? Half the Allen wrenches?
It degenerated fairly rapidly. After a half-hour's cooling off, I wrote a brief note apologizing, saying that I'd take the hit on it. No response to the apology, just a statement that hopefully we'll observe the Geneva Convention with respect to each other in the future for the kids' sake.
Which led to this reflection: As much as I'd like to be post-divorce friends with WAW intellectually -- that is, as much as I can "see" the rationale of salvaging something from 22 years -- in practical (i.e., psycho-emotional) terms I just don't see it happening. Which is saddening, in its way. It's unpleasant to think that I won't ever again have a meaningful connection with the person who was, for nearly a quarter-century, the central person in my life.
But I can't see an emotional logic for it. I don't need her for current events discussions; I don't need her for emotional comforting or support; I don't need her (nor she me) for sexual satisfaction. We'd never be the kind friends who discuss their romantic lives with each other -- I mean, that would be too weird.
So "it" really is over, with all the "it" that "it" entailed. I'll be as Friendy as I can be, insofar as that's good for the kids. But beyond that... When I see her now -- and I see her fairly often since she drops the kids off at school directly outside my office window -- I don't see the woman I loved or even liked. I see the woman who did the Worst Thing in the World. And that is the saddest thing of all to me -- not only has WAW lost her identity in my world-view, she's lost a good deal of her humanity.
I'm not sure when I stopped building a bridge. But clearly I have.
SP, this was my concern for you all along, which I mentioned a few times: that, in being so (at least superficially) friendly and civil with each other, I felt like you and Mrs SP were artificially avoiding some of the bile that needed to come out, and that you were probably only pushing it further down the road, as it was going to come out SOMEHOW.
I would have rather you faced all of this, full-bore, early on, and gotten past it.
I think your wife still has a LOT of rage to deal with, and I'm afraid you're going to continue to see more episodes like the ones you've reported recently. Let's see, what did you always call them??? oh yeah -- the "batshit crazy" moments.
In any event, I don't know why you apologized -- I don't think you did anything wrong, at least the way you characterized the conversation. Buy her a $100 Sears gift card, and point her to the Craftsman dept. and call it a day.
Stuff is stuff. The woman who can't change a light bulb is using tools? That's forward momentum. You know the argument wasn't about the tools, it's about the hurt, anger, being taken advantage of etc. etc. of this rendering process. I spent a lot of time cutting my losses. And in the end. Stuff is stuff.
What your divorcing spouse does in her own time is none of your business. And after decades together it's a hard habit to stop. Learn to.
Oddly enough your divorcing spouse does talk to you about her intimate encounters and gets way too much information on your personal relationships. The only way to stop that is to make those topics off limits.
I empathize with the mourning of this loss. Words cannot convey what I feel. The only good thing is that the more you process, the less crap you carry.
Honestly.. I have no clue about what it takes to 'save a marriage', 'stop a divorce'. At some point you become an independent person, making decisions for your family alone.
Try jettisoning the anger. I noticed the change in the subject title. How about a little something in your signature?
