I did call her out on the sleeping around talk this weekend. I was livid. I told her that she needed to pack her things and leave. Well as bull headed as she is she said she pays the bills too and that this is her house and she wasn't leaving. Things got ugly. And yes I know she doesn't respect me... that is way too obvious by now... I am at a loss at what to do, she isn't budging...
So!
My response would have been this: "So you think you can openly disrespect me, sleep around, have affairs and still live in our home? You think you can sell your wedding rings and still live in our home? You expect me to honor a living arrangement with you because you pay some bills when you can't honor our marriage? So you think I have to listen to you but you won't listen to me? I'm not controlling you, the door is open, You are free to leave, spend time with the other man, go have an affair, sleep with him, I don't care what you do with him but know this, you aren't coming back - this isn't a hotel and I don't want you as a roommate. The minute you walk out the door to go visit that other man is the minute your stuff will be thrown in boxes and placed in the front yard. As for you paying the bills, I'm glad you know how to do that, you'll be doing more of that when you move into your new place. Think I'm bluffing? Well I guess you don't know me as well as you thought you did..."
And then smile and then pull out all the cardboard boxes and garbage bags you've purchased for this event. If she does go out to see the other guy, I think you have some work to do but it's ok, it's quite therapeutic. I had this argument with my wife several times before I had reached my limit, enough was enough! When I did this to my wife, it was incredible, the feeling was indescribably delicious, the freedom, the exhilaration, it was all surreal and incredible. She never thought I would do it and when I did it, she was speechless.
She can't respect you until you give her a reason to.
I know this is hard on you because it's not in your nature, you're used to being walked on and being treated like a doormat. She can't walk all over you when you start standing up for yourself and showing her you mean business - subconsciously regardless if she admits it or not, she wants a man who is going to stand up to her and stop putting up with her bullshit. She's cake eating and you are her bullshit collector, not a fun job, time for a career change, I have faith in you - just do it.
Well this weekend was... well eventful. She had left this weekend to go out with friends or so she claimed. She asked if it was okay to hang out with her friends - I told her I had no problem with her going out but you know where my boundaries are. Again had the boundaries discussion, and told her what lines shouldn't be crossed. Well later that night (Saturday) I was on Facebook as I had just opened an account before, and got to chatting with her cousin, which she has been a good friend of mine since high school, and that's how me and my wife met.
We were talking about the whole seperation thing, and later on she said she was having a hard time typing because she was pretty drunk, and said I could call her if I still wanted to talk. I said okay as I was tired of typing myself. We must have talked until 6 in the morning. During the conversation she had let something slip about my wife, and I questioned her about it. She didn't want to cause any trouble, but I told her that I needed to know. She had then told me that my wife had called her telling her about the seperation, and had also admitted to her that she had slept with someone a few weeks back (which this apparently happened before she dropped the bomb on me). She also said that my wife had mentioned that her and her guy "friend" had messed around but didn't have sex and this fell into the week the bomb was dropped.
Needless to say I was focused on checking with other sources before calling my wife out on this. Well after I got off the phone, I remembered a phone conversation I overheard where my wife was speaking to one of her friends and was joking around about bringing her sexy halloween costumes. Knowing what I did, I went straight to our closet to see where it was. lo and behold it was gone! I searched every nook and cranny of the house but didn't find it. Now mind you before my wife left she had told me that she was going to be out late and hanging out with different friends and she was going to crash wherever. The puzzle pieces were in place. I smell bullsh*t!
Well she came home on Sunday after 1 pm and unpacked her backpack. After she was done and she left the room, I decided to check the closet. Funny, the costume magically re-appeared! I was going to wait to confront my wife but when I made the costume discovery - it was on. She was on the back porch smoking, so I went back there, lit one up, sat down, and calmy took a few puffs - then looked at her and calmy asked "So how did the costume work out for you?" She asked me what I was talking about. I asked again - again she threw the same question. I told her that I knew she packed the costume and explained that I couldn't find it before she came back. She gave some excuses, said she didn't wear it blah, blah, random bullsh*t.. I then looked at her and said "You need to cut the sh*t, because I know you haven't been totally honest with me about a lot of things." She told me she has been.
I again told her to cut the sh*t because I knew about what she had done and that I knew about her messing around with her "friend". She asked me where did I get that from, and continued to deny things. I told her someone I trust had told me. She asked who, and I told her it doesn't matter and she needed to come clean. She commented she wanted to know who it was because if someone is behind her back talking sh*t she wanted to know about it. I told her that I am not ratting that person out so she can b*tch them out. I then told her again to come clean, she pressed who said it. I told her it doesn't work that way, asked her why she was being so defensive and told her if nothing happened then it shouldn't be a problem to tell the truth. She pressed, I rebuttled - repeat cycle a few times. She finally said she would tell me everything if I told her who it was. I didn't want to rat this person out, but curiousity was getting the better of me.
Needless to say when I told her who it was and she responded "aw sh*t" with a dropped jaw look and as if she were someone who was caught red-handed. She was then quiet. I told her that this person had no reason to lie, and when her cousin his drunk - the truth comes flowing out. She said she knows, and said it was true. I asked her who it was and when, and found out about someone she worked with. I also found out that it happened a week before she dropped the bomb on me. I was then furious, but the calm, strong furious. I then asked her about her other guy "friend" and she said they had messed around but didn't have sex and this happened within the week of the seperation.
I asked her did she have sex with him - she told me they had sex this Saturday night and they had rented a hotel. I told her "Wow, you really get around! That's 2 different guys in a period of the past 3-4 weeks" She said she was sorry and I told her "I bet you are". I asked more questions, and told her I want everything out in the opened and no stone left unturned. Needless to say I told her just how the rooster crows. I was beyond angry, but this was different because I had self control, and was not yelling and screaming. I think that threw her off too.
Well guess what everyone... She also is seeing that I don't put up with that sh*t, and that I don't play. That's right, she will be moving out. She crossed the line, she pays the consequences. She now knows that I wasn't bluffing. Knowing the truth about what she has done has hurt me, but there is another saying about truth - "The truth shall set you free".
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1867595#Post1867595
Yeah, I didn't really want to reveal who it was, but my gut was telling me to play my ace... It worked. From what she told me, she confessed that if I hadn't found out she planned on taking the secret to the grave.
Not doing anything hasty, but this is the best route I feel. Crazy as it may seem, I still love her. But she hurt me more than she will ever realize, and I have lost a lot of respect for her. IF she ever comes crawling back and that's a big IF, she will have her work cut out for her, because I won't be quick to take her back. The way I see it she would have to jump through flaming hoops carrying a can of gasoline and dynamite strapped to her to prove her love for me and how much I am worth to her if it came down to it. (Don't take it literally just making a statement)
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1867595#Post1867595
And now that I think about it I have to say it - You were right about the affair PDT. I bet if you had a dollar for every time you heard that you would probably be rich!
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1867595#Post1867595
I know now the only thing left for me to truly be free or at least the first step to my freedom and being a better man is forgiveness. That is the tough part, and it will take some time. As I write this, I feel so much anger inside, so much resentment and hurt. All that keeps playing in my mind is seeing my wife having sex with these 2 people I know, and I feel so much anger. I can't even stand to be under the same roof as her. I'll be glad when she is moved out. It makes me sick! I just can't seem to shake the images from my head.
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1867595#Post1867595
