That my wife had an affair with me during my first marriage, well that should have indicated the problems she had in her own head. And something I dwelt on long and hard, seeking the attention of men who should be out of reach to make her self esteem feel better. The OM was my best friend, it is hard to come between two friends...its like a watermark.
I truly hope that you feel like that is a past issue and that you are not continuing on with that in the back of your head a lot of the time. Trust is a fundamental foundation for any successful relationship, without it you are like one of those whack a moles at Chuck E Cheese, just waiting to get popped in the head again.
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I AM saying it is not up to you to judge me on leaving my marriage. It wasn't the affair, that was over. It was for me, I was done. There is a difference between a WAS and a MLC WAS. I cannot make that clear enough.
Not once did I judge you for that, I get what was wrong, I know what you did to try and fix it, and I understand why you wanted out. I judged only the mistake you made......
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I am also willing to bet your friend, also regrets the hurt she caused, and wondered if they could have been done without it.
She actually knows it could have been done without that, thats what I admire most about her......
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Was she aware of the affair?
No. I kept that from her. Why? altruism? Pfftpt, no. Did I want to hurt her? Also no. It is more complicated than that. The truth is a mix of alot of diferent reasons. Who wants to admit to an affair to their spouse? Who delibrately wants to hurt their spouse? Who wants to put everyone invloved through that?
She eventually found out. And that I regret, at the time I didn't care what she thought about me, but I would have kept that from her for her sake. Maybe that is warped thinking, I just do not see how that helped her in anyway.
Tough one here, not sure that I buy the not wanting to hurt her, seems to me you chose the wrong time to show concern for her feelings, probably should have happened before your pecker found it's way into a new nest. I am a firm believer that people who have been cheated on deserve the truth, it may hurt initially, but it is honest and that is always right.
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Actually Ian, I love you like a brother who I don't talk to that often...not many people challenge me, make me think, I actually miss that here. Not many people know that I am as cracked and tranished as they are. : )
First things first, tarnished, not tranished
Second, love you to bro, and contrary to the conversation we are having and how people may read it, I have a great deal of respect for you and feel the same about the challenges.
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Not many people know that I am as cracked and tranished as they are.
Maybe you should show them that side more often, it happens to be that I find your best writing comes when you post about that stuff. Just my opinion.....
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I cannot stand it when a poster only sees their spouses fault for walking away with looking at themselves and seeing a NEED for a change. Yeah your perfect...and you're more than likely going to be divorced.
I am going to second this and add on that anyone on this board who believes that they were not at fault in any way for their situation, you are simply wrong.
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Defensive?
A bit. I had to think about that one. I am not proud of aspects of my past. I could have done things better...or not at all.
Each of us has a defensiveness about ourselves. It's part of analyzing life, we want to believe that we are a better person then our spouse so bad that when anything negative comes to light we put our wall up a bit. I think it's natural.
Lastly, thank you again for your candor. I for one believe this is a healthy thread Jack and one that will shed some light for some folks who really need to read some of this stuff to get a grasp on what it is they are dealing with. As tough as it is to talk about this stuff, it is so beneficial to those who are desperately trying to get a grip on why things are happening in their lives.
