If you want to connect with her, you can do that...opening a hole in the fortress of disapproval standing between you and her is up to you. At any rate, she needs to know that you recognize/acknowledge her efforts to get closer to you, rejection is a tough pill to swallow, and likely feeds her anxiety and flightiness.
Matilda and Aud, The dance practice has resumed between my W and I on an almost weekly basis. I turn on the music, start practicing on my own, wait for her to join me and than we practice. She has a sharp eye and can usually pick out some flaws for me to correct, that I wouldn't catch on my own.
I'm finding myself wanting to join my W at her dance venues more often. I continue my weekday ballroom venue, and lesson, but on the weekend look to see what my W is doing, and unless there's a favorite ballroom event, I go with her to a latin venue. This weekend I volunteered to drive a caravan to the next city for a latin night as there is no latin night in our city this weekend. I didn't wait for an invitation from my W.
My W has started walking during her lunch hour. This is new behavior, and I praise her for her effort.
I passed a kidney stone earlier this week. My back feels better than it did before I first started having back problems. The inflammation was due to a kidney stone slowly travelling down and out. Thank goodness, I thought I had a back injury given the pain I was in, and the lack of efficacy of the exercises and antiinflammatories.
My W was telling the story of how I criticized her tuna casserole during our dating days to her friend. I've heard this story dozens of times, and her intent seems to be passive-aggressive each time. I always cringe when this story is told, because I do feel guilty about my behavior at the time. This time when she told the story, she added how much I've changed since that time.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
CL,it does sound like you and your wife are making progress. Just "wanting to join" your wife at her dance venues seems pretty significant to me. Maybe the trip in January will be the perfect time to connect romatically! I'll keep my fingers crossed that you will feel the time is right!
You wanting to join and W complimenting how you had changed. Sounds positive. Keeping up your positive interaction sounds like the way to go right now, as long as you hold onto who you have become as an individule aslo.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Keeping up your positive interaction sounds like the way to go right now, as long as you hold onto who you have become as an individule aslo.
JAK
Jak and Matilda, It is important that I hold onto myself. I continue to plan my own dance activities, which sometimes may include my W. I went to a new studio this week as they seem to be more ballroom and technique focused, which I want. My W didn't join me, as she pooped out after work. I filmed the lesson, and for two nights reviewed the film, and practiced on my own. Last night, I asked my W to help me. She did and was very helpful, and patient. She asked afterwards, if she was helpful. I told her that I knew she would smooth out the rough edges for me.
She joined me at my weekly ballroom venue. She ended up having a great time and we stayed till the place almost closed.
She wanted to go to a lesson on Thursday night. A lesson for me creates additional work. It is a commitment for a week or more to learn a move. I declined, and told her to join me on Monday nights. I explained why.
I joined her again at her latin venue last night. I was needed as there were few guys there. I had a group of five ladies that I rotated with. My W and her dance friend seem to be cooling off. He is newly divorced, and seems to be enjoying his freedom, and is looking for a new relationship.
My W is has been putting more effort into organizing and cleaning the house. Her mother comes over weekly for mother-daughter time to help clean the house. This week they spent time throwing out items that have accumulated over the years in the basement. Over 90% of the items in the basement are my W's.
She is worried that the Puerto Rico trip won't go well. I'm looking forward to the trip. I have a good feeling about it. We do travel well together, and this particular destination will fit us well.
CL
Last edited by Concerned_Listener; 11/21/0904:41 PM.
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Matilda and Jak, I think she's worried that I won't keep up with her, or that I'll be a party pooper in the evenings. We went to listen to one of her friends sing in a R & B band. R & B isn't my favorite music to dance to (mainly swing), so I got restless after a few hours, while she was getting warmed-up. She generalized that I will want to shut-down every night on our trip based on this. I generally stay away from R & B venues with my W, but had made an exception this time. I need to stick with my policy, to avoid future problems.
She joined me at my new dance studio for a Samba group class. Our learning styles are different. She's a quick study, and I learn incrementally. She didn't want to be my practice partner in class. This gave her an opportunity to practice with the teacher. I didn't pout and gave her the space she requested. I continued to film the class, and partnered with another lady in the class. She told me that she prefers to practice with me at home, and would prefer to partner with the teacher or a more advanced student in class, rather than follow me when I don't yet have the lead.
She signed up for private lessons. She again requested that it be her time, and asked if I would tape the sessions. I initially was upset with the idea, but after thinking about it, decided that if she wants private classes, than I will give her the space. I will benefit eventually from whatever she learns. I would prefer that she speak up, rather than tolerate something that isn't working for her.
She thanked me for inviting her to accompany me to the studio. I try to not set expectations too high for the dance partnership. I am grateful for whatever she offers. Being able to be students at the same studio and/or venue is progress. The dance partnership will work itself out, with honest communication, and flexibility.
CL
Last edited by Concerned_Listener; 11/24/0904:08 AM.
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Jak, Aud, Matilda, and DB Friends, My W had another traumatic outing with her dance friend. While I was spending the evening with my family, she went with him to an out-of-town restaurant and dancing afterwards. He started calling her a profanity in public, claiming that a man was dancing too close to her, and that she was intoxicated. My W is capable of maintaining appropriate dance boundaries, so I doubt his accusations. He had to be restrained by security. I guess he had her car keys, as she called a taxi to go home. Fortunately, a friend of hers was there, and kindly drove her home. She asked me to sleep with her for comfort. I agreed, but would have left if she got sexual. I stayed until she fell asleep. Her friend is going to his home country for a month sometime in the next week. He's been divorced about a week, is still unemployed, and hasn't sold his home yet.
I joined her family on Thanksgiving day. It was nice to see the out-of-town relatives. I haven't seen them, since I've been avoiding out of town travel with my W this past year.
It was nice reconnecting with my family at my brother's in-town. My sister and her family are coming to my city for Christmas. This creates an opportunity for my W to join my family for Christmas dinner. We'll see if she's ready for such a venture.
My W and her mother have been working on removing the years of clutter in the basement that has accumulated over the years. My W could not understand why she bought so much stuff. Upon reflection, she said that she must have been depressed. I helped them yesterday with sorting thru and throwing out items. It will take months to complete the project, but I could tell my W is pleased with the progress so far. This project was initiated on her own, without any influence on my part.
I've enjoyed the two lessons I've had at the new studio, and am looking forward to developing a relationship with the instructors and this studio. My W is welcome to participate to the extent she wants, in her own way, at her own pace. Any effort on mine or her part will contribute to forward progress. I'm excited about recording her private lessons. Even if I'm not participating, being able to observe and view the lessons afterwards will be valuable.
I record the group lessons on our camera, download them on my computer, review them, practice the steps on my own, and when ready, ask my W to help. If she's not available, I try it out on a patient lady at my venue. I've been practicing at home with my W most weeks, it's a matter of asking her at the right time. During the year, my W continued to help me with the class lessons, which I had to polish on my own with other ladies, but having her in the class, at the same studio, and taking an interest in ballroom dancing will be of an even greater help.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
so you comfort your wife after she gets in a fight with her boyfriend... yes it (affair) is happening, just because you choose to ignore it doesn't mean it's not happening. "Sleeping elsewhere" ...
You've been doing this so long you've convinced yourself this is rational. It's sick and twisted. get out of this sham while you still have time to start over. 6-7 years of dancing,yoga, writing, sheep puppy, and self discovery have only succeeded in you learning to rationalize the most extreme disrespect I've seen. twisted...
Sorry, but its the truth. I googled something once upon a time and stumbled on your thread and was simply amazed at how someone could put up with this. It's better then watching a soap opera.
Tmite, I can only reply that it's not time to leave. I still have work to do. I see signs of significant progress. This M is a long way up from when it hit bottom. If you were in my shoes, you would have left by now; I choose to stay. Your role on these boards in not to tell people when to leave, or to judge them or their actions, but to support and respect the decisions of those who are trying to Piece their marriages together. If you can't partner with me in my decision to keep working on myself and this marriage, please post elsewhere.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
