Question

[awest1217]

No big plans. Fridays are always up in the air because we used to always go to my in-laws for pizza, but in the last month since H left again, it has been hit or miss, but when we get home tonight...raking leaves again (for the third time) YEAH! uck!

Saturday we are going to go to the mall with my sister. S loves to shop so we will have fun. Then my sister's surprise b-day party is that night at my house.

Sunday is church, which is always good!

Having a low day today. I enjoy being the optimist, but not today. I had a bad dream where H and I were arguing like always about OW and him coming home so did not sleep well. Mostly I am worried about my health. I have not told anyone about it because I don't everyone else to worry. I have brought too much drama to everyone's lives and don't want to continue. My stomach is really feeling bad, and I am getting more and more dizzy. I looked up ulcers and it really looks like I may have one. All the sites say to take anacids and eat dairy. I am doing that so I will just see how it goes. Because of the little money I went 2 weeks without my normal dairy intake so maybe about a few weeks of normalcy for my body it will get better again. I just know that this stress is going to end up destroying me. I have lost a lot of weight (which I can't afford to do), not sleeping, aging a lot, and just tired all the time. The stress from the relationship is bad, but also bills, taking care of S (not getting time to myself because he won't let me alone, which I know is anxiety on his part, but is draining beyond belief. This was not the case this summer), taking care of the house, car, being a good sister/friend, and so many other things. I am going to try to start Tyboing again like last winter since I can't get outside. S likes to do it with me. lol, but once again time seems so short. I just need to relax and take a load off.

Sad day...keep fighting back tears and I don't know why...

[ClingingToHope]

Hey, I saw your post on my thread about the holidays. I'm with you. It's going to be incredibly tough. Keep posting so we can keep each other up.

I'm having a couple of days where it seems the tears are right there. It's those dreaded deadlines in my head. I felt so strong at my six months out of the house anniversary. And now ... we are beyond it with no end in sight.

I'm hoping to not have my mind on it too much this weekend. I've got the girls Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday -- teacher institute day and we're going to Wisconsin Dells Sunday and Monday on a free two-night stay we won last winter.

[Lucky11too]

Yeah, I don't know what it is exactly, but we all are seeming to hit low points right now. Maybe it's just the pending holiday's. Hmm, not sure. But whatever it is, you have to take care of yourself! I know money is tight right now for you, but are there any nurses/clinics provided thru your school district for teachers (or maybe you could talk to your school nurse. Not sure how that works)? You just don't want it to progress to anything worse. You have to take care of yourself for yourself but also for S. I know, the stress is just sometimes so overwhelming! I know you don't want to burden anyone else, but sometimes you just need a little help. I don't know your situation with your family, but maybe your sister or mom could watch S for a little bit, just to give you some you time (a nap, long shower, read a book, etc)? It sounds like you have a fun weekend ahead of you though. Try to enjoy it and just relax as much as you can!

[awest1217]

Tonight H took us out to eat at a restaurant he has been talking about forever that has good pizza. He then stayed for about 15 minutes to read stories to S. During that time my stomach started to act up, and still is (really bad). I just sat and listened to them. H asked what was the matter and I said stomach problems. He then asked if it was the pizza. I said no and that I had been having stomach pains. He asked what I thought it was and I said an ulcer. He asked if I thought I should get a scope done and I said no because my symptoms are minor and the sites said to take anacids and eat dairy. H said if I need anything to just ask. Right now I am so tired and feeling really sick. I have not really been able to eat all day. I did eat a lot at dinner, but that is the first time all day.

I just don't know...I really want H home because at least with him here I would have more ability to relax and see if this is something major. Right now I am just so tired, in pain, and nausious.

I want to call H and ask him to come over so I can sleep well (I wouldn't have to worry about S), but I know that is just my needs presenting themselves and I have to do this on my own. I just really wish he were here. I am scared...

[Lucky11too]

Oh Awest, is there anyone else you can turn to that can help?
If there really isn't, you may just have to ask H for help (even if it's against the rules) b/c like I said above, you have to take care of yourself for you and for S. What if you let it go and it gets worse (not to scare you, but just so that you think about getting it taken care of right way). That just doesn't sound good. =( And maybe it's good if H can 'rescue' u - didn't you say you never let H help you before, so he never really felt needed? Maybe it will be a win-win. Just think about it and see if that applies.

It's good though that H continues to try to be apart of your and S's life by taking you to dinner. Another small step in the right direction.

[awest1217]

I have plenty of people to help me. My family is all around and is willing to help. Right now because of feeling so bad, I am really weak emotionally and cry a lot just out of the blue. It is kind of like emotionally I am back to where I was this summer. Crying myself to sleep and waking up crying, but I am not sure why. I don't know if it is my body just telling me to stop, the baby steps giving me too much hope, my defenses breaking down and me finally feeling the hurt again as my heart starts to repair...I don't know.

Either way...time to get up and have a good day. I just wish this feeling would go away again.

[Lucky11too]

This is definitely a rollercoaster and we are all going to have ups and downs. It's hard when these downs hit, but just know it will get better. I hope you are having a fun day with your sister's b-day party. *Hugs.

[Lucky11too]

Hey, hope you had a good weekend!

[awest1217]

Yes, and no. I always have fun with my family and friends, but lately once they leave I am really down. I don't want to say I am depressed, but I am emotionally drained. One weird thing is H, S, and I went out to dinner Friday night. H's little brother was at the restaurant, and he gave me a hug. This is weird because he hates me. He tells his x-gf all the time how much he hates me so it was weird (I am good friends with his X). Right now...

S has a really stuffy nose so he and I did not sleep at all last night (I mean we would get an hour in then wake up and so on because he could not breath.)

I have a horrible sore throat

My stomach is doing a little better :), but once in a while it will flare up and I still am getting dizzy

I am starting a new trimester today with almost 30 in every class so I have to be stuff and don't have that strength, plus I will have to talk all day today...not good for the throat.

I constantly feel just like breaking down and crying.

Really not doing well at all. I am not talking to H because as always I did not hear from him because I am his "week" wife (my nickname not his). I am so sick of this situation. The holidays are coming and I am tired of having to fight for my relationship. I have been competing against other girls for years and I am sick of it! H plays me and OW all the time, although he won't admit it.

I am sure it is just lack of sleep and sickness talking, but I am drained and honestly have nothing left. Everything I have I must use on me and S so I guess H and our R is going to have to be let go...

[Lucky11too]

I agree. It's hard when you are with family and friends and have a great time, cause as soon as they're gone, it just feels so lonely again. I think 'emotionally drained' is a good term for it. We just keep giving so much to these R's and these up and downs are just completely draining. Add to that lack of sleep and illness...yeah, just kill us now. During my parenting seminar this weekend, one lady spoke on the story of where Mary poured the expensive perfume over Jesus and everyone critized her for it, but Jesus just said, "She did what she could." So, as it applies to us, we can't do everything, but we just do what we can. And at this point, you have your priorities straight - you can't do it all, so maybe it is the best just to focus on you and S. H will still be there. (Besides, it's hard to go to 'battle' for your R, when you feel weak). Just keep taking care of yourself and S, and GALing, and don't give up on H and your M, but just don't focus on it either. Maybe it will give H a chance to step up as well.