Looks like I might soon be LBS...newcomer here

[brownidmom]

BIM, I too took the time to read your entire thread today.

Thank you for taking the time to read my thread and share your thoughts, Gnosis. I will have to check your thread out if you have one, your name is not familiar to me.

You constantly lied to him for 20 years. For him to constantly and persistently ask you about the OM during your relationship. This means that he either suspected something or someone told him about the event. That's 20 years that you swore left, right and center you had told him the truth. You were very convincing during this time. When you finally came clean it caused him to question and doubt EVERYTHING you have ever said. Though it doesn't sound any better than lying for 20 years, I lied for 13 years. We have been together 20 years and I told him 7 years ago. I completely GET that I made him question every word that has ever come out of my mouth. It sucks, but I get it. Thus, the guilt.


His trust was shattered. He views the history you've shared together built on the foundation of lies.
You're exactly right. That is what he thinks.

However:

This DOES NOT excuse him stepping out of the marriage and having an affair of his own. No matter how he tries to justify it to himself.

He has never had an affair that I know of. He had sex with another woman 18 years ago, when we were dating and (broken up, he says, though I didn't think we were broken up at the time)

When the time comes, and you are ready for it, an option is to sit down with your H and talk. This is a last resort... and the conversation should go along these lines, "H, I realize that I hurt you throughout the relationship by not telling you the truth. I accept the responsibility for that. What you should also realize is that I am not the only betrayed party. YOU cheated on ME where I have NEVER cheated on you. It's time for you to own that too.

I've said this a million times, it seems. My words don't mean much to him the last 7 years.


The only way I know how to finally prove to you that I have not lied about anything else in our marriage is to take a polygraph test. I am willing to do that for you.

Already took a polygraph test 2 years ago. It was utterly humiliating but I agreed to it because I had nothing else to hide. The examiner asked me 3 questions. Here they are and what the results were:

1) Have you had sexual relations with anyone other than H from the first time you had sex with H until you were married. Answer: NO result: deceptive response

2) Other than kissing X one time when you were dating H, have you ever kissed another person from the time you first had sex with H until the present time? Answer: NO Result: truthful response

3) Have you had sexual relations with anyone other than your H from the time you married H until the present? Answer: No
Result: Truthful response

My experience is that lie detectors must detect something other than lies because I told the truth to all 3 questions. I have since done some research on false negatives on polygraphs and wish I would have done so before I agreed to take it. The whole thing was manipulated.

Let me repeat, the conversation in quotes is your last resort and you should be FULLY prepared to follow through with your decision. It's not guaranteed to work BIM but it may be worth a shot. You cannot continue like this. It is destroying you and your children. Also, before you do this conversation, make sure you have had legal counsel and are aware of your rights.

Filing for D is not the end of the world. Look at all the WAW's here... their H's only woke up when they saw that WAW was serious and committed to leaving.

I sincerely wish the best for you.

Thanks, I really do appreciate all of it. I have been down, but I am up now and I am ready to start swinging. I will flourish and I will be sure that my boys do too. I haven't figured it all out yet, but somehow I know it isn't time to leave just yet. I am still here for a reason. I have considered that it is the possibility of fear, but I know now that isn't it. I will be still and listen. I KNOW GOD IS TRYING TO TELL ME VERY CLEARLY WHAT I AM TO DO. I must have the faith and trust HIM.

BIM