I'm sorry if I am being dense, but I'm not seeing the difference.
I have established boundaries: as in, no, you cannot move OW into apartment next door.
The cake he is eating: he got to walk out without much discussion (refused counseling); found an apartment within our TINY little town so he gets to show the GF all the lovely amenities and social contacts he has here. Don't know what else constitutes cake-eating.
How is moving forward with my own life (acting like a WAS) different than GAL?
I really would appreciate any clarification or examples you could provide.
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
When I first started DBing, I was trying to win BF back by being the better woman. I refused to kick him out of our house (separate bedrooms), I was doing 180s, GAL activities, trying to be friendly but not a friend, suggested doing things together. This allowed BF to cake eat--he had OW at work and afterwards and I was trying to provide a nice environment at home too. I did these things to keep him in the house so he would see the changes I was making in myself and because I didn't want him moving in with OW.
This is what you are doing by asking him for help with house maintenance and paying bills, sending him a DVD, trying to show him that you've changed.
When I changed my mind, I threw him out of the house and went dark except for emails regarding finances. I continued with the 180s and GAL activities [i]because they were good for me.[i] I started planning my own single life which included a move to a different state. When he asked about coming over to see the cats I let him come to the house to see the cats while I was out having fun. I made it perfectly clear that I would have nothing to do with him while he was still involved with OW. He tried to start things back up with me and I told him I knew for a fact he was still with her and I was not going to play second fiddle.
This is the tough love/becoming the WAS. Reread gucci's posts on OrlandoGator's thread to see what this path looks like.
I don't know what else to say. If you can't see the difference then I can't help you.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
For help on tough love get the Dr. Dobson book. In retrospect, I believe that the tough love approach is the better approach and the sooner it is done the better.
He's out of the house and totally with OW. I am pretty much dark except for the house and finances. We have 2 apartments to deal with, so we do have to work together on that. Working on the joint finances together was a mutual decision, to keep all the bank stuff clear and straight, not me asking for help with my banking.
So, it almost seems that I am almost tough loving. I guess. He's out; we don't talk; email only for house or other coordination thngs; I am out with friends all the time.
I'll look at gucci's posts and the Dobson book to get more information.
thanks!
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
Do not cry in front of him or project a "woe is me I cannot live without you attitude"
You are worthy of respect and you will engage with him on the future of the R when he has remembered what respecting a R looks like.
There is no competition. She is irrelevant to you. You are worthy.
Not only are you worthy but how will HE now prove that he is worthy?
It takes time. Work o yourself and let him work on himself.
Changes must be made by BOTH of you. It is not a one way street.It is not about him waltzing back into your life and picking up where you left off. All our R suffered from serious problems and we all contributed to them. BUT we need to ensure that when our S return it is not business as usual on both sides or we will be asking for trouble in spades.
Life is to be enjoyed and you will enjoy yours. Trials come and go but you are confident and secure and you WILL make it.
If you believe in God, seek and follow his counsel. He knows best and will always guide us where He wants us to be.
I was too independent and W and I drifted apart. The kids bind us, so my sitch is a little different. I have set MsR2C free. I work on ME.
Here is my 2 cents:
Set partner free. Work on you. When you interact with him, you want to project that you have changed. The changes you make are for you, but will spark his interest. DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE CHANGES. I "practice" all my positive changes with everyone else.
Check out the books I listed on the first post of my thread. Get your MOJO back. One of the first books I would recommend you read is "The Art of Seduction". The concepts in it may be useful in your sitch.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Back again for more wisdom--I am so happy I finally started posting. Getting support and advice has been wonderful.
Question to which I am sure I already know the answer: Sitch: Mail arrived addressed to gf at THE HOUSE. As in my/my partner's house. Biotch gave this address to the bank?? Anyhow, I thought I would keep quiet about it, in order to intercept any other mail that might provide useful information. But that, of course, means shaking with tension and stress everytime I check the mail. Sitch: I believe bf is totally in la-la limbo happy affair land. Has ABSOLUTLY no idea how much I am hurting. Because I have always been tough, strong, independent, and have been "acting" that way since the break up, I am sure he has convinced himself that this whole ordeal is no big deal to me. SO: do I send her letter to him with a note from me saying--I am in a great deal of pain, very devastated, doing my best to get counseling, healing, etc, but please realize and respect my feelings right now. Please ensure that gf mail goes to the right place. or something like that. What does this gain me? showing my feelings breaking the silence about feelings that was at the core of our problems in our R setting boundaries on contact with me/him/OW
What does this lose me?
Advice advice advice!
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
if not place it back in the mail box with a note stating this individual does not live at this address. The post master will return it and THEY can sort it out without your involvement.
Originally Posted By: Dead Kennedys
We ain't going to the party We ain't going to the game We ain't going to the disco Ain't gonna cruise down main
We're stealing people's mail stealing people's mail stealing people's mail On a friday night
Drivin' in the mountains Winding 'round and 'round Rummage thru your mailboxes Take your mail back to town
And we got license plates, wedding gifts, tax returns Checks to politicians from real estate firms Money, bills and cancelled checks Pretty funny pictures of your kids
We're gonna steal your mail On a Friday night We're gonna steal your mail By the pale moonlight
