Looks like I might soon be LBS...newcomer here

[brownidmom]

WOW, Gardener! BIM says as she pulls the splinters from the 2x4 lovingly lobbed at hear head. FIRST, THANK YOU for taking the time to read through my saga and for responding. Lots to respond to, a couple of things to clear up, so here goes...

B-He has never let you forget te fact that at 19 you had sex with a boy before you even met your future husband

I had met H and known him for about 2 weeks as that time; hadn't made a commitment yet though. I don't think it was that I did it so much as it is that I lied to him about it everytime he asked me for 13 years.

[quote=Gardener]

B-You (wrongly) kissed a man once 7 years ago and he will never let you forget that[quote=Gardener]

I kissed another man about 12.5 years ago, before we were engaged. Told H about it 7 years ago

[quote=Gardener]B-H had sex with someone while you were married [quote=Gardener]
H had sex with someone in 1991, 2 years after we met; never while married (that I know of)

[quote=Gardener]B-You love him with all your heart.
G-Love what? A memory?[quote=Gardener] Yes and no. When I met H, I was a 19 yo college sophomore who drank Th-Sun. I also had a 5-month period when I slept with several guys. Let's just say that I was lost. H was the most stable guy I had been around at that point, no drinking, honest, strong. In a way, he saved me from myself. He never asked or told me to stop drinking. I just began to feel stupid being drunk around him when he was stone cold sober. He made me realize I could go out, dance, and have a great time without being bombed out of my mind. He also taught me that I didn't have to have sex with a guy, that I was more than that. I have often thought over the years what I might have done/been if I hadn't met him when I did. I wasn't being careful when having sex and had sex with probably about 10-12 guys in a short period of time, some with no protection. I could've contracted HIV or become pregnant, not graduated from college, become something I can't even fathom. SO YES, I love a memory. And I feel forever indebted to him for being man enough to show me my self-worth.

[quote=Gardener]B-He makes me feel safe (WTF?) [quote=Gardener]

Yep, he saved me from myself! See above. Though not in the present, I'll give you that.

[quote=Gardener]G-Do you want your kids growing up witnessing that (learning what a "man does"?) Witnessing what a woman does to a woman and children, (i.e., let him do these things to them/? you?) [quote=Gardener] NO, I don't. My S9 and I have started to talk about what NOT to do because of it.

[quote=Gardener]B- S6 knows H is mean to me
B-S6 says something is wrong with his father for not believing you
B-H gave S4 nightmares with his words and behavior
B-H tells kids in car Most women offer nothing especially your mother
B-How do I tell H to leave S's out of it
G-You can't he won't he should know and do so on his own
B-H won't let you take your (hurting) boys for counseling
B-Son is very protective of you because he is observant and knows his father is mean
B-H is heartless
B-H told S he will be punished if he tells mom what H says about her[quote=Gardener]
The welfare of my boys is my biggest concern. H is not teaching them respect for me or other women by his words and deeds. HE DOES talk to them about many other important things in life, they love him, and he IS their father and always will be.



[quote=Gardener]B- I love him
G- Love what? [quote=Gardener] I do love him, the person I fell head over heels for 20 years ago, the man that I married, the man whose children I wanted to bear, the man I promised to love until the end of my life. I don't like him or who he has become, don't love who he has become, but he is still in there somewhere. Didn't most of us, or all of us, love our WAS when the bomb was dropped, they've all done horrible things and we are all here because we wanted to save our M with the person we committed the rest of our lives too? His actions and words are despicable. I do not accept him or what he is doing/has done. But yes, I do love him. Always will. [quote=Gardener]


[quote=Gardener]B-H had paternity tests performed while I was out of town
B-H won't go for IC, even though he's a Social Worker (Or has Social Worker degree)
B-He accused me of sleeping with his brother because he dreamed it
B- Then he said, well if it wasn't my brother, then you slept with my cousin
B-His actions and inactions are killing me
B-And this is magnified by the boys witnessing it
B-Boundaries mean nothing to him (again)
B-He decided yesterday he still won't leave boys out of R discussions
B- I fell down the stairs and he heard me but ignored me[quote=Gardener]

All of this...These are all my words, my feelings, my pain, my shame, my sad reality. THere have been times when I have actually considered that H is crazy, has lost his mind. Because for such a brilliant man, these ridiculous machinations he has created in his mind and the actions he has taken as a result make no freaking sense in any universe that I want to be a part of. The strongest part of me, the part that he built up, nurtured, and ultimately saved, still believes that we will make peace with one another. I don't know what that will look like or when it will come, I just know that whenever I feel like I'm ready to walk away, something stops me and I don't think it's fear any longer.

I am not trying to take up for him, it is hard to even believe this is my life sometimes. Part of me wonders if he doesn't need saving from himself now and I am the only one to do it??? IDK
[quote=Gardener]Sorry, to do this, bim, but these are weeks of your own words. We sometimes suggest on this forum that we go back and read our own posts and sitches and pretend they are someone else's. What would we think? What would we advise? I got started catching up on your sitch and couldn't stop, I was so appalled for One, BIG, FAT, EYE-OPENING (hopefully) 2x4 for you. Lovingly lobbed at your good, sweet head.you...[quote=Gardener] It is much appreciated. It is different hearing my own words from someone else's pov. Thank you for mirroring it back for me. Looks even more grave from over here.

The THING that I KNOW after all this time, after all these years, is that I will be okay and my boys will be okay. There isn't anything I won't do to make sure they are better than just ok.

I am not THERE yet. I am not ready to walk away just yet. I know there is something that is left undone. Once I know that, I will move on. I am already moving forward, but I will move on when I know it is time. I just know that day is not today.



Ready and waiting for more from all those still reading this...

BIM