Help... I need to stop reacting!

[chatterbug]

So he is moving out to his sisters. And will not be dating OP.
And what kind of proof do you have of this ? And what transparency did he freely offer?

Space = OP

H and I just discussed separation. He is thinking of moving in with his sister for a while (we need to discuss timeline). He is saying he will not be in R with OW and will date me. He says he will spend evenings with us, come over in mornings before school etc.

Sounds like he wants to be a dad and father without any responsiblities. Looks like he is setting himself up to cake walk.

RDW. You really need to decide what you want to do here. I do not see him offering anything at all here, while your offering everything.

Look at what your offering.
Trust, Freedom of movement, the ability to come and go as he pleases and no parenting responsiblities.

This will be harder for you than him.

I do not see this going well.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

H and I just discussed separation. He is thinking of moving in with his sister for a while (we need to discuss timeline). He is saying he will not be in R with OW and will date me. He says he will spend evenings with us, come over in mornings before school etc.

The upside I can see is that this will mean him having to own this choice and the reasons for the choice to our kids and everyone else. He can no longer pretend to be the good family man. Also, some space from each other could be good.

Downside- harder to DB as I keep hearing. More opportunity to cont. with OW in a secretive way. But, his sister is fully on board with supporting me in my DB approach, so that might help too.

Still mixed feelings. No clear decisions yet, just a discussion. But, H is over talking to his sister right now to see if she is open to the idea.

Any feedback?

I think this could work, but ONLY if he truly goes 100% no-contact with OW. I would recommend you counter with "OK, but under two conditions:

1) we see a good, pro-marriage MC;

2) you truly go 100% "no-contact" with OW, including a transparency plan with me.

In my experience, these arrangements nearly ALWAYS lead to increased contact with OW/OM, not less, and offers of them are usually disingenuous.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Just read Cutter's response. Looks like we're on the same (cautionary) page.

[ALJ]

Hi rockedworld,

I can to relate to the mixed feelings that come with separation.
My H and I have been separated for 6 months now with him living in an entirely different state. My H has owned his choice to an extent. He drives up and visits the kids when he can and sometimes I do feel it is kind of hard to DB when he is 14hours away but it is what it is and I am making the best of it. I will be thinking of you and I know you will make the right decision for you. Be encouraged.

[rockedworld]

Ok that's what I was afraid I would hear.

One of the reasons this is what we are considering doing is precisely because he refuses to have NO contact with OW and still feels he cannot commit to marriage. I used the "I'm not willing to be in an open marriage" line from one of you... (thanks)and that's when we started to discss separation.

I am thinking it is going to make this go public a lot faster, which means he will have to deal with consequences of that to our kids and everyone else.

I don't know what else to do in a sitch like this?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

It's not your job to cover up for him and protect him from the consequences if anything "goes public," Rocked.

And, if it were me -- or anyone I was counseling -- THIS would be a non-starter:

One of the reasons this is what we are considering doing is precisely because he refuses to have NO contact with OW and still feels he cannot commit to marriage.

Your response should be "I'm really genuinely sorry you feel that way. But I hear you. Let me know when you're serious about wanting to work on our marriage, and done hedging your bets, because I WON'T compete for you. I just hope it's not too late when you finally decide."

Your husband sounds very immature. It's time for him to pull up his big-boy pants, and decide what he wants to be when he grows up.

Puppy

[ginab1966]

RDW:

I don't feel qualified to really give advice to anyone here but I just wanted to say something to you...anything...even it's it's just to give you a virtual {{{hug}}}.

I have been where you are. I know how it feels and I also know that you have the ability to be as strong as you need to be. I can sense this strength in you...the type of strength that I have. I also sense the fear and sadness in you too...the same sadness and fear that I've owned since June.

It's only recently that I have been able to take a "hard line" with my husband and actually be able to tow it and feel convicted to carry out the consequences that I laid down to him. He two has been having an affair. One that I thought was over until just this week when he told me that he's been incontact w/ her. Someone said to me in my thead, and I'm paraphrasing, "Why would you stay and fight for someone who doesn't value you, love or respect you. That's just silly". It is silly. RDW, you will not compete with this other woman. You will not lower yourself to do that. There might be things about you/your personality/behavior that has contributed to the breakdown of your marriage but you are now in individual counseling and dealing with that. Do all that with YOU in mind, not the repair of your marriage. Don't fix you to try and compete with her.

Your husband is a child, just like mine is. He is willing to walk away from his family for a short lived "high" of a relationship. And that stuff about God willing them together? Well, I don't know what God he's praying to but man does he have some learning to do.

You do need to search your soul and try and figure out what YOU want, what YOU need, what YOU deserve. I have a feeling it's a heck of a lot more than a husband you wants to move out and gives you no assurances as to seeing OW. He IS eating the cake if you let him do that. I know how hard it is to take a firm stance and tell them "I love you and want this marriage to be a healthy and happy one for both of us. That said, I will not tolerate a third party in our marriage. I respect myself too much for that. If you see her or talk to her in any way, I will be left with no choice but to end our marriage". It's scary to say that because you know that they may just take you up on that but, as Gucci said to me, then you have your answer. As hard as it is, think about your children. If anyone of them was to be treated like this by a spouse or friend, would you advise them to take a strong approach or just tell them to be understanding and let the person walk all over them. Make no mistake, our H's have walked all over us because we have let them. It's time that that ends. We need to love ourselves more than we love them. We need to love ourselves as we would a cherished friend.

I wish so much that you weren't going through this and I am so sorry that you are in this pain but you WILL get through this. Don't think too much about the future. Think about today and then get up tomorrow and think about that day, one minute at a time if you have to...but....keep yourself in the forefront of every thought. Detaching with love is the key and you can read up on it. It helps and sometimes brings about miraculous healing. It has done wonders for me.

Take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself in the painful moments. This is not easy and we all make mistakes in the DB'ing process. Just breath in and out and know that all of us are with you.....giving you strength. Listen to Puppy...that's one sharp doggie is I've ever seen one. Also look at my thread "Gucci and Robx, mind weighing in". There is some tough love there that everyone should read. It helped me immeasurably.

Peace,

Gina B

[Lost Rabbit]

RW I have been separated for four months now, at the beginning I felt it was like life and death, now well its no where near as bad as I thought it would be, once I GAL and stood on my own two feet as best as possible it felt so much better, on monday I start work after two and half years being a SAHW, ok my H is wandering in and out of my life at the moment but even if it dont work out I know I am going to be ok and so will you!

You are doing so well, you really should be proud of the way you are handling things. ((RW))

[rockedworld]

I am so appreciating the support, the thoughts, the advice, and even the 2x4's when needed.
Since Monday (Bomb2) I have been in survival mode. Still am.
My plan is to focus on meeting my basic needs and being there for the kids and then next week, to begin making some plans for myself with the help of my C.
I know this is time for personal growth for me, and that will likely include new boundaries/attitudes with H.
Do you know one of the things he told me about OW was that she is a bitch and sometimes he needs a bitch? WTF? I guess I'm too nice.
Well, let me tell ya, after all this hurt and pain if a bitch is what he wants a bitch is what he gets! haha
Anyway, we are having polite conversations, and we'll see where things go. i need to take care of me.
and right now.. that includes taking my kids out for ice cream and probably having a little snooze....

[Gardener]

IYour husband sounds very immature. It's time for him to pull up his big-boy pants, and decide what he wants to be when he grows up.Puppy

And are you willing to wait that long?