The only thing I have to go on is late one night before the bill-paying blowup, he sent me an email link to a news article of interest to me. (ambulance stuff, I am an EMT) Just a random connection.
So on Monday this week I sent him a newspaper link--humorous bit about finding an old VW bus--to which he actually responded with some humor.
So I was wondering if it would be OK to go the next step with the DVD, but I will hold off.
The real question is: how to approach this month's bill-paying? it would have to be this upcoming week, and my schedule is really full. The idea was we would do joint bank stuff together so everything is on the up and up, but after last time's episode--I don't know if I should email and ask about getting together to do it. Again, if I just do it myself that is too much independence again. Catch 22, you know?
another part of the story: 15 years ago, when we bought the house with the 2 apartments, I said something brilliant like: "well, if we ever break up, we would have a place to live." He has thrown that at me like half a dozen times now. In the presence of MC, I apologized for saying such a hurtful thing, and swore I never ever thought of it again, as a possible "out" or any such thing. At first I thought he was bringing up the hurt that remark had caused him, but now I realize he is ANGRY---I said we could share the place, so why can't we? I know this isn't logical--a 15 year old remark made by a scared 30 year old doesn't apply to a sudden harsh break up later--but he really seems to think I should be able to stand by that remark.
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
So I'm afraid I can't answer what an improved R would look like right now, beyond fantasy daydream of him asking to come back. I can't quite move into reality yet about that.
You misunderstood my question.
What would a 10 relationship for YOU be? List out everything.
Example: "We would have fun dancing once a week" Example: "We would sit and hold hands each night, looking into each others eyes, and share our days with each other"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
We get married. My LSD--which ironically, was picking up GREATLY in the 6 months leading up to the affair--is resolved with IC. We TALK when we are afraid, scared, lonely. We are each other's best boosters... I support his skills, work, and talents. (sometimes I don't praise them enough due to my own low self-esteem. Hard to live with someone who does so many things so well) We TALK. We're not afraid anymore to ask for what we need for love and support.
How's that?
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
The real question is: how to approach this month's bill-paying? it would have to be this upcoming week, and my schedule is really full. The idea was we would do joint bank stuff together so everything is on the up and up, but after last time's episode--I don't know if I should email and ask about getting together to do it. Again, if I just do it myself that is too much independence again. Catch 22, you know?
another part of the story: 15 years ago, when we bought the house with the 2 apartments, I said something brilliant like: "well, if we ever break up, we would have a place to live." He has thrown that at me like half a dozen times now. In the presence of MC, I apologized for saying such a hurtful thing, and swore I never ever thought of it again, as a possible "out" or any such thing. At first I thought he was bringing up the hurt that remark had caused him, but now I realize he is ANGRY---I said we could share the place, so why can't we? I know this isn't logical--a 15 year old remark made by a scared 30 year old doesn't apply to a sudden harsh break up later--but he really seems to think I should be able to stand by that remark.
Ok.
First. Wayward will say anything and hold on to any negative thing they can think of. They think like snakes and ladders. Only problem is that its a 100 squares and they remember only the snake squares right now. I know its hard not to feel pity for their narowmindness. But they truely believe what they are saying.
Good thing you are in reality. So you can understand these concepts to time and incontext. Next time he brings it up. look at him like he is an alien, carry on the conversation like he never said it.
Speaking of joint bank account stuff.
You have locked down your finaces. Right. All joint stuff needs to be locked down now. Deposit your pay to another account and transfer in your half to pay the bills if you have some joint agreement. Cancel any credit cards that are joint. Remove him from car insurance as well. He is a big boy. He can get all that stuff himself. Since he is starting a new life. He can start to take on some of those responsibilities.
You should see some flack here. Which is good. Flack means your not playing according to script. Anger means you made a point. You are a strong independent woman right? Well carry that out for yourself. You will be a finacially protected strong independent woman.
Don't give him the DVD. Don't give him anything but a detached loving woman.
First. Wayward will say anything and hold on to any negative thing they can think of. They think like snakes and ladders. Only problem is that its a 100 squares and they remember only the snake squares right now. I know its hard not to feel pity for their narowmindness. But they truely believe what they are saying.
Good thing you are in reality. So you can understand these concepts to time and incontext. Next time he brings it up. look at him like he is an alien, carry on the conversation like he never said it.
Speaking of joint bank account stuff.
You have locked down your finaces. Right. All joint stuff needs to be locked down now. Deposit your pay to another account and transfer in your half to pay the bills if you have some joint agreement. Cancel any credit cards that are joint. Remove him from car insurance as well. He is a big boy. He can get all that stuff himself. Since he is starting a new life. He can start to take on some of those responsibilities.
You should see some flack here. Which is good. Flack means your not playing according to script. Anger means you made a point. You are a strong independent woman right? Well carry that out for yourself. You will be a finacially protected strong independent woman.
Don't give him the DVD. Don't give him anything but a detached loving woman.
First things first. I think you need to decide which route you want to take: do you want to wait the affair out and hope to attract your partner back by being the better woman OR do you want to actively work to bust the affair and show him tough love?
Right now it sounds to me as if you're not sure. These paths involve different tactics so I'm not going to advocate anything until I hear which way you want to go.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Pearl, I don't know what the options are of actively busting up the affair. I didn't know that I had a choice of paths. I thought with DB I "act as if" "keep bridge open between us" "be an attractive person." All of which I am trying. What is the path of breaking up the affair?
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
Puppy and I were discussing this earlier. Either you follow strict DB principles of waiting it out and letting the affair run it's own course OR you decide to not allow the cake eating, establish and maintain boundaries, and move forward with your own life (acting like a WAS).
People here tend to fall into one or the other camp because the tactics involved are often opposing. It's up to you to decide which way to go. But I will say that it's best to choose one and stick to it because waffling is not attractive and it can hurt your sitch.
This is from OrlandoGator's thread this afternoon:
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
I do think that, in general, "infidelity" is the one area that DB/DR is weakest at. I think it requires some particular techniques, strategies and tactics that DOVETAIL with the standard DB principles, but have to be done a little differently.
And sometimes, it just flat-out contradicts.
Last edited by pearlharbr; 11/13/0911:46 PM. Reason: Added Puppy's quote
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
avermont. I believe I fall into the bust the affair crowd. So alot of my advice will be from within that area.
Some are not. Finances and protection fall into both accounts.
In the end. Its all about you. As you are all you have, no matter what happens in your stich and life.
Also remember the goal here is to bust the divorce. How you attempt to get there is up to you. But it will be a choice. As it is a choice to go through with the divorce. But if you do down the road. It will be a choice you made.
