I never thought I would be here

[Gnosis]

According to her words we are seperated and she is going to do whatever she wants. She is already planning to go out this weekend with her guy "friend" who is coming in from out of town.

And your cue should have been: "Like H3LL you are! As far as I'm concerned you are still my wife and you will behave accordingly until there's a piece of paper that says you are not. I can't stop you from adultery, but I can and WILL do whatever it takes to prevent and adulteress from having an influence on my children.

If this were me, she would come home to a house with the locks changed, and all of her belongings in big plastic garbage bags, out on the porch. But that's just me.

And that's just me too.

Well as bull headed as she is she said she pays the bills too and that this is her house and she wasn't leaving.

You should have said, "Not anymore it isn't. You're divorcing me so you have a week to make alternative living arrangements."


Stand up for your beliefs, she'll respect you for them. Stop letting fear rule your life.

[2overcome]

Well, I put the boundaries in place Wed. night. Told her where I stood if she chose to sleep around. I also told her that I am honoring my vows until the papers are signed. She had mentioned the fact that I was being controlling. (Now either I struck a nerve in her or my tone might have been off to sound like I was controlling). Either case she knows where I stand, and what I believe. I feel better because I spoke my mind. I realized yesterday that most of my life, if not all - that I have been a very co-dependent person. That was a bitter/sweet pill to swallow. Bitter because I can't believe how pathetic that is, but sweet because now that I know I can do something about it and work on my independence. Right now I am feeling fine and enlightened. I realize in my life that I had very few boundaries, except when it comes to people messing with my wife or daughter - that's a no-no. I believe I have come to grip with things, and accept that divorce may be inevitable. (Already dead approach). Of course, in the back of my mind I hope it all works out and my marriage is saved, but I am trying to place all of my focus on becoming a better man from this - to me that is the important part and the rest is just details.

I have taken my wedding ring off as my way of detaching myself from her. Don't get me wrong I love her and I would do anything for her - but I feel it's for my own good and possibly for the good of what's left of my marriage that I detach. I know that I am looking in and trying to face issues and demons that I have wrestled with that I have just swept under the rug in my past.

It's time for me to start loving myself, and finding respect for myself. As I type this and reflect on how fine I feel now, I am trying to accept that I may have a day where that emotion will want to step in over this whole matter, and hope that I have enough strength to make it through that without it getting the best of me. I'm sure this will probably happen when I'm around her at the house. If I can just focus on putting one foot in front of the other and take small steps, then hopefully the large, confident strides will come into place. It's time for me to face my fears.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Well, I put the boundaries in place Wed. night. Told her where I stood if she chose to sleep around. I also told her that I am honoring my vows until the papers are signed. . . .

I have taken my wedding ring off as my way of detaching myself from her.

This seems contradictory to me. YOU may feel like you're taking your wedding ring off as a way of "detaching yourself from her," but she will see it as totally in conflict with one of your stated "boundaries" above -- that you are honoring your vows until the papers are signed.

A couple of other thoughts:

1. Can you be more specific about specifically what you said when you "put the boundaries in place Wednesday night; told her where I stood if she chose to sleep around"? Not trying to nitpick you, but it sounds like setting (and enforcing) boundaries has been a real problem for you in the past, and I want to make sure you're doing it correctly.

2. Her accusing you of being "controlling" = TOTAL FOGGED-OUT WAYWARD "SCRIPT". Here, let me translate: "You're trying to control me from having my affair, unencumbered."

You do sound MUCH better and stronger!

Puppy

[2overcome]

You know PDT, with the wedding ring thing - I would have never thought of it that way. Thank you of pointing that out! (Just put ring back on, I have been carrying it in my pocket). The last thing I want to do with my boundaries is contradict myself and not have a leg to stand on.

Now as far as Wed. night I told her along the lines of - "I have been doing some thinking on what you said the other night about us being seperated and that we could do whatever we want. I have decided that I will respect my vows until this is legal and the papers are signed. I feel that you should give me that same respect. If you choose to go out and have sex and sleep around, then you can leave (or you know where the door is, can't remember how I ended it.) That's when she told me I was trying to be controlling, and I told her that this is the way I believe and these are lines that shouldn't be crossed.

Thinking more about the ring, I stopped wearing it Wed. until now. I am hoping that didn't screw myself over by doing that and sending the wrong message.

[Gnosis]

Congratulations on the first steps 2OC. i.e. Discover your weaknesses (co-dependent) and "overcome" them.

I told her that this is the way I believe and these are lines that shouldn't be crossed.

Be prepared for her to test you on this. She will. Be sure you have defined the consequences and are 150% prepared to enforce the boundary.

Other than that, you're in good hands. PDT is more of an expert at this than I am. I respect your morals of not breaking your vows, but I do so wish you hadn't said them out loud.

Your next step I suppose is to set more "smaller" boundaries. Let her test you by breaking those and seeing that you are committed to keeping them.

A good test case is: "I will not communicate with you when you take that tone of voice with me. I feel that it is disrespectful. From now on whenever you communicate in an unattractive manner I will turn around and walk away. Behave like a mature adult or I will refuse to listen to you."

This one will be an easy one for her to test you on. And she WILL. When you walk away from the conversation/argument she will be angry. Your attitude will be "whatever". And she won't back down. She'll try this again and again. Your job is to enforce your boundaries. Each time you do, even though she won't show it, her respect for you will grow.

Keep up the great job.

[2overcome]

Thanks for the pointers Gnosis. And actually I may have to use that one because there have been those moments. As I said before, I never placed many boundaries before unless it came to people messing with my wife or daughter, so now is a good opportunity to get in the practice and enforcing them.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Now as far as Wed. night I told her along the lines of - "I have been doing some thinking on what you said the other night about us being seperated and that we could do whatever we want. I have decided that I will respect my vows until this is legal and the papers are signed. I feel that you should give me that same respect. If you choose to go out and have sex and sleep around, then you can leave (or you know where the door is, can't remember how I ended it.) That's when she told me I was trying to be controlling, and I told her that this is the way I believe and these are lines that shouldn't be crossed.

That was actually very good. Just be prepared to enforce that boundary, as Gnosis pointed out.

The next time she calls you "controlling," say something like this to her:

"I'm sorry you feel that way; that's certainly not my intention. If, however, by 'controlling' you mean that I won't share my wife with another man, then I guess you may be right."

also

"I have no desire to control you. You are an adult woman, and you will make your own choices and will have to deal with your own consequences. I just felt it was fair, as your husband, to let you know what my boundaries are, so that we're clear. I won't remain in an open marriage."

Puppy

[2overcome]

Wow that is good... I may have to use those if that discussion comes up again. I'm starting to feel better about myself, I just don't want to be complacent - I still have a lot to learn and a lot to work on.

On a different note, I can't wait until tonight. I plan on spending time with my daughter (5 yo) and maybe making it a movie night, and we may even play a few rounds of Wii Sports. (She actually beats me at bowling sometimes!) In fact last time we played, I stepped outside to take a quick smoke break and she wanted to go my turns. I told her it was okay. She ended up getting several strikes in a row (bowling). When I came back in, she wanted to keep using my controller because she had got all those points. I couldn't help but laugh, she is so cute.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Hey, just don't SMACK HER TO THE FLOOR like I did with my S-then-11! We were playing Wii tennis, and I CLOCKED him one, across the back of his head! Sent his skinny little 65-lb. body flying to the carpeted floor, LOL.

He was surprised (but otherwise unhurt). My hand, however, was KILLING me -- that kid has a bony head!!!

Puppy

[2overcome]

Ouch! Hopefully that won't happen to my daughter, she's so tiny. The only wii mishap we had was when we didn't have the wrist strap for her controller and she was playing bowling and the remote went flying straight up... Forunately no one or nothing was injured... needless to say we bought a strap for her controller the next week.