Help... I need to stop reacting!

[ginab1966]

RDW:

I don't feel qualified to really give advice to anyone here but I just wanted to say something to you...anything...even it's it's just to give you a virtual {{{hug}}}.

I have been where you are. I know how it feels and I also know that you have the ability to be as strong as you need to be. I can sense this strength in you...the type of strength that I have. I also sense the fear and sadness in you too...the same sadness and fear that I've owned since June.

It's only recently that I have been able to take a "hard line" with my husband and actually be able to tow it and feel convicted to carry out the consequences that I laid down to him. He two has been having an affair. One that I thought was over until just this week when he told me that he's been incontact w/ her. Someone said to me in my thead, and I'm paraphrasing, "Why would you stay and fight for someone who doesn't value you, love or respect you. That's just silly". It is silly. RDW, you will not compete with this other woman. You will not lower yourself to do that. There might be things about you/your personality/behavior that has contributed to the breakdown of your marriage but you are now in individual counseling and dealing with that. Do all that with YOU in mind, not the repair of your marriage. Don't fix you to try and compete with her.

Your husband is a child, just like mine is. He is willing to walk away from his family for a short lived "high" of a relationship. And that stuff about God willing them together? Well, I don't know what God he's praying to but man does he have some learning to do.

You do need to search your soul and try and figure out what YOU want, what YOU need, what YOU deserve. I have a feeling it's a heck of a lot more than a husband you wants to move out and gives you no assurances as to seeing OW. He IS eating the cake if you let him do that. I know how hard it is to take a firm stance and tell them "I love you and want this marriage to be a healthy and happy one for both of us. That said, I will not tolerate a third party in our marriage. I respect myself too much for that. If you see her or talk to her in any way, I will be left with no choice but to end our marriage". It's scary to say that because you know that they may just take you up on that but, as Gucci said to me, then you have your answer. As hard as it is, think about your children. If anyone of them was to be treated like this by a spouse or friend, would you advise them to take a strong approach or just tell them to be understanding and let the person walk all over them. Make no mistake, our H's have walked all over us because we have let them. It's time that that ends. We need to love ourselves more than we love them. We need to love ourselves as we would a cherished friend.

I wish so much that you weren't going through this and I am so sorry that you are in this pain but you WILL get through this. Don't think too much about the future. Think about today and then get up tomorrow and think about that day, one minute at a time if you have to...but....keep yourself in the forefront of every thought. Detaching with love is the key and you can read up on it. It helps and sometimes brings about miraculous healing. It has done wonders for me.

Take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself in the painful moments. This is not easy and we all make mistakes in the DB'ing process. Just breath in and out and know that all of us are with you.....giving you strength. Listen to Puppy...that's one sharp doggie is I've ever seen one. Also look at my thread "Gucci and Robx, mind weighing in". There is some tough love there that everyone should read. It helped me immeasurably.

Peace,

Gina B