how to 180 when you've been too independent?

[avermont]

Puppy and R2C are wise, because communication and courage would be huge 180's. But as Pearl says, xBF is lost in affair fog. He doesn't want to talk to me. I could write another letter (I wrote one when he first dropped the bomb) expressing my work on intimacy, LD, communication, etc, and showing courage--but I have to assume Pearl is right--he doesn't want to hear that right now.

I was thinking of transfering a VHS tape of him skydiving (it's just him in the video, not me) to DVD and sending it--as a little touch-base, touch in. I do have honest motivation of not wanting the VHS to disintigrate, but the 2nd motivation is to have some reason for contact.

So-communication and courage are great 180's, should I get the chance to do so.

I feel like I am putting huge focus on me, in order to survive right now--as you all know, just wanting and being able to wake up and live every day is a lot of work-but also feel bad because that was part of the underlying tension in the R--not giving enough to him.

To answer R2C--scale of 1-10: R is now 0. We are for the most part civil, except for last month's bill paying session. He got angry; actually clenched his fists and sputtered "I wanted to be here! (in the house) You won!" So he sees capitulating to my request that he not live in the apartment next door WITH the gf as a big loss for him, a major victory for me. So I'm afraid I can't answer what an improved R would look like right now, beyond fantasy daydream of him asking to come back. I can't quite move into reality yet about that.

What am I scared of? losing the house to him and having her move in, mostly. I don't care if we sell the house, but to have her move in would kill me. (at this point)

So as Pearl and Puppy say, watching an independent woman making her own way is sexy...but gosh darn it, that is it the USUAL pattern. How to be strong, take care of myself, but make the changes in willing to be intimate, commit, communicate...believe me, my friends are learning more about me than they ever wanted to know! But that's friends, not partner.