I think I would say something like "W, since I am no longer sure what our future is, I think it's best we work out a mutually agreeable budget/financial plan for the immediate future and part of that budget needs to include accountability for large cash withdrawals on both our parts. What time would be good for you so we can sit down and draw up a plan that works for both of us?".
That way you don't come across as controlling, you are letting her know that she isn't the only one that isn't sure about your marriage anymore and it's always best to start off in a non-accusatory fashion. If she resists then let her know you will be dividing the bank accounts and you will each operate from your own accounts w/equal contribution to the household expenses.
If she still resists then let her know that it's probably best to involve a mediator to help the BOTH of you get this all sorted out.
I highly doubt any attny would accept 200.00 as a retainer fee. If so, she has scored herself quite a deal!
She says she is sorry and won't do it again. I say that maybe I should go to the mediator as I am not prepared to watch her pull us further into the credit hole while she is leaving.
I ask for the mediators number and she gives it to me. She doesn't seem really happy about this conversation.
I go out for a while and come back and she wants to talk.
Was very hard and got heated at times I truly do suck at listening and validating peoples feeling (progress not perfection).
So boils down to this. Her mom, dad, sister, and my mom are all people that look down there noses at her not enough support.
That's it she throws in the towel she says and I am somewhere included in that group.
She has a new job and can't talk about it with anyone she says because all everyone expects is for her to be a stay at home mom.
I have been telling her to go back to work for a year. She has been a SAHM for 6 years and man 2 days with those kids is sometimes more than enough for me.
I tell her I understand but I don't see exactly what I did wrong and feel I am being lumped into a group of people when this is about our and ours only relationship.
I do validate that I am perfectly happy with her going back to work and there is no reason we can't work this out.
I do definately go on to long and she says she just wants to watch TV so I shut up. We go to bed
One thing I do notice is we sleep a little closer and she puts a pillow between us and sort of spoons.
Okay please help me to keep this small connection rolling.
Your W gave you some good info in this talk. She does not feel like she has a solid support system and it sounds as if she is torn between being a SAHM and a working mom. For a woman that is a hard place to be in. What do you think you can do to support her regarding this issue while not trying to "fix" it?
As far as the money talk why did you bypass the whole budget talk? It seems you went right for the jugular and used the mediator as a threat.
You need to work on validation, patience and listening. You said "I have been telling her to go back to work for a year". That sounds controlling, not supportive.
She needs to figure out the SAHM/working mom issue on her own but it does seem like she is really struggling and fears what others will think. How can you be supportive to that issue without being controlling or a "fixer"? My suggestion would be to listen more than you talk, validate her thoughts about the issue but don't offer advice or try to guide her one way or the other.
She is telling you she doesn't feel supported.
I do think though you really should think about how you handled the money issue. Yes, 1000.00 is a ton of money but she knows that and pointing it out to her put her on the defensive. By using the approach of "lets work out a budget/financial plan for the next few months" it would have given her a good glimpse of you looking for solutions instead of just being upset about it.
She says she is sorry and won't do it again. I say that maybe I should go to the mediator as I am not prepared to watch her pull us further into the credit hole while she is leaving.
I ask for the mediators number and she gives it to me. She doesn't seem really happy about this conversation.
I go out for a while and come back and she wants to talk.
Was very hard and got heated at times I truly do suck at listening and validating peoples feeling (progress not perfection).
So boils down to this. Her mom, dad, sister, and my mom are all people that look down there noses at her not enough support.
That's it she throws in the towel she says and I am somewhere included in that group.
She has a new job and can't talk about it with anyone she says because all everyone expects is for her to be a stay at home mom.
I have been telling her to go back to work for a year. She has been a SAHM for 6 years and man 2 days with those kids is sometimes more than enough for me.
I tell her I understand but I don't see exactly what I did wrong and feel I am being lumped into a group of people when this is about our and ours only relationship.
I do validate that I am perfectly happy with her going back to work and there is no reason we can't work this out.
I do definately go on to long and she says she just wants to watch TV so I shut up. We go to bed
One thing I do notice is we sleep a little closer and she puts a pillow between us and sort of spoons.
Okay please help me to keep this small connection rolling.
She's successfully DEFLECTED the conversation from one about her irresponsible spending, to one about all of her "issues," and made it woe-is-me.
Your responses should have been along the lines of "I understand; that must be very difficult for you. We can maybe talk more about that later, because right now I'm really concerned about our finances, and I'd like to come to some sort of agreement on our spending moving forward."
CityGirl you are right I did threaten the mediator and on purpose. My point was if this is hopeless I will go and we can get this ball rolling. The tone did change. So be it.
Can anyone offer suggestions on how to move forward with this?
Maybe I will leave the money thing for a bit and say I just want to make sure that we are careful with all of this in the air.
Can anyone please offer a solid / clear suggestion on how to support her with this job.
I can see that I need to work in steps here.
1. Get her to be my friend again. Listen, support, validate, not control (I do have a bad habit of doing that passively)
Can anyone offer suggestions on how to move forward with this? . . . Can anyone please offer a solid / clear suggestion on how to support her with this job.
I can see that I need to work in steps here.
1. Get her to be my friend again. Listen, support, validate, not control (I do have a bad habit of doing that passively)
. . .
I'm probably the wrong one to ask, 'Nads. I'm a pretty old-fashioned guy. If my wife is exhibiting the kind of behavior yours is, and hundreds of dollars of cash are unaccounted for, I'm going to do everything within my power to FIRST get to the bottom of it, before i worry about getting her "to be my friend again."
But that's just me. In case you haven't figured it out by now, I'm the resident Cynic here.
In order for a healthy friendship to develop again between you and your W you BOTH need to set healthy boundaries and enforce them. Only then will things improve for YOU and maybe her. Maybe not.
Leaving the issue of 1000.00 spent in one week up in the air is a bad idea. It will continue to fester inside of you as you are upset about it and your W knows it. In turn, she will pull away from you even further knowing you are upset and eventually that could lead to further financial damage.
That is the exact reason I suggest you approach this 1000.00 issue as a SOLUTION and not a problem. Yes, you need to get to the bottom of it but the way you went about doing it was not productive. I gave you a "script" to use or at least guide you in a previous post about how to approach the money issue. Why did you not even consider it before you went for the gut?
Your W didn't react how you wanted her to so you deemed things hopeless and tried to scare her into acting how you want her to by asking for the mediator's number. I think we both know it was an empty threat and did nothing but drive a wedge further between the two of you.
Set boundaries first then perhaps something more can develop. The job issue is hers to own and work out. Listen more than you talk, validate and don't "fix".
I would let her know though that due to the status of your marriage you feel it's most prudent to put together a financial plan that works for the both of you. If she resists then let her know that you will involve a 3rd party to guide you but if you say that, be prepared to DO IT.
