Don't know where this is coming from....but I have an over whelming desire to call my husband today and give him a piece of my mind..........where did that come from??????? I did cry some last night when I pulled up his pre MLC days pics and he looked so young and sweet....then I looked at the alien who has taken over and it mad me sad...sad enough to cry..... I have been doing really good so I am confused as to this feeling....any thoughts anybody......
Don't call him. You are in no state of mind and if you give him a piece of your mind, you will only justify in his mind that he doesn't need to come back to you. He won't want to come back to you if you do that.
It is Friday. What do you have planned for tonight? Go see a movie. Call a friend. Heck, you can call me. But don't call him. Pray about him. I don't have any plans tonight. If you need a friend to go have coffee or dinner or something so you can blow off some steam, give me a call. But don't show your frusturation and anger towards him.
Kevin
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I am just venting it has been a while since I have seen or heard from him.......or even heard his voice......but I will I will write myself a very long letter and then throw it out ...I am not much on journaling.....maybe I need to start.... I like my life now, getting so much better, I look back 2 yrs ago and I was a hot mess. Suicidal thoughts back then....didnt want to get out of bed.....24/7 thoughts of my husband...why this, why that. Wouldnt eat for days....I didnt cry, I sobbed, how pathetic I was and must of looked to my family. They are so proud of who I have become.....and so am I Thanks for your responses .....hope you all are doing well..and K I might take you up on that one day......thanks for the invite and I do still have your number.....Jack thank you I hope and Pray your family is doing good.....be blessed my young men friends.....I like that.... bye guys.
someone asked what I did for the recon and it's somewhat like what other successful LBSers did with its' own twist. True, I did put up with more than I ever thought I would but hey, I wanted to make it work and we had kids.
But finally, when the terror of being an LBSer subsided and I wasn't reeling so much, when I rationally looked at it and realized I would not live in a cardboard box or lose my kids...things got a bit better. I would survive this terrible thing...but who would I be like? Would I get bitter or better?
THen things got A LOT better as I took more control of my life fully, which had been somewhat sidetracked due to being a mother and L and having a h with a demanding career. I joined things, pushed myself, stayed VERY active in children's lives, and When I let go of worrying about meeting H's needs & instead just meeting mine and the kids, it got easier. I saw the pros of being not married to HIM.. there are some pros to not being married to a man, no matter who the man is.
I applied to various jobs I was interested in that would not keep me near h but would be fine with the kids. I made plans, took trips without h, with and without the kids, had mystery, GAL, met om --didn't really get involved but definitely knew I would not HAVE to be alone the rest of my life if a div happened....and I eventually fully believed then as I do now, that my h would be crazy to leave me and our d, and that he'd be the loser, not me.Even if he were "happier" for awhile it would be irrelevant to MY happiness, which I would create...so fwiw, forget who is with whom or whether your ex is miserable yet....instead I found that taking the trips and letting him go off to the tundra where he discovered the streets were not paved with gold and I would NOT join him without changes in him that were real, seemed to jolt him. ( Took more than one jolt.) But yeah, we are together and working on things and I'm often very very hopeful about really making it. We now have 28 y/o M. We still have our moments and I now accept that we always will. We are all works in progress.
I will say 2 things are crucial to your being happy OR reconciled...
1) NOT caring whether the WAS is happy away from you, but only if YOU are happy in your life; and 2) truly learning to forgive what they did in a way that won't make you nuts. This is a learned skill, and most people do NOT learn it and in my opinion, the single biggest reason people do NOT reconcile is b/c the WAS does not believe that they'll ever be forgiven--and they're right b/c the LBSer does now know how or want to forgive OR OR The LBSer will make it so clear that they are still waiting for the WAS no matter what...and waiting...that it turns the WAS off and they stay away.
Forgiveness and detachment go together.. They are not in disagreement. Detach, let go, and maybe someday you'll have a chance at recon. But either way, you'll be healthier and happier a lot faster by working on your own happiness instead of wondering why and how and whether the WAS is happier than you are, etc.....lose the scorecard and take care of yourself.
Good luck, j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
You are so right....as much as I miss him I rarely have any contact with him...I look at old pics and then I look at most recent wow what a difference....the old husband really is gone...this new person I do not know...and I have been gal...dont hardly cry about this anymore,I used to have thoughts of something we did together or wonder what he is doing,the pain and thoughts of him a few and in between these days....he knows he is always welcomed back home what harm is there in that....after me crying,begging and pleading as I did at first,in the 3 yrs.since then I have only told him he will always be welcomed home 2 times... Is this too much...Jerry had an affair with her 15 yrs. ago but after we reconciled on that affair I threw it in his face whenever we fought.I would love to detach some more I gues only with time?thanks for your advice
IRMA, I would like to mention a couple of things to you and I hope that you don't have a Nuclear Meltdown! LOL First, if you are in a relationship with someone and they cheat, you either forgive them or you don't. Throwing it up in their face at every opportunity will drive them away, I am sure you now know this. My point in mentioning this to you is, it will take your husband a long time to trust you, if ever. His thinking is, well, if she is going to say it all the time, I might as well do it. Second, what have you done to have your husband WANT to come back? I'm not trying to throw off on you by saying that, my point is this; he knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that you aren't going to do anything different than you have already done. You have said time and again, "if he wants to come home, fine, but I'm not doing anything else" My question is this; Why should he come back? He knows you aren't going anywhere, he knows that you will be there if he needs to come back, so he can do what he wants and really not have to worry about anything. That's is why I am always telling you and someone else on here to not be afraid to change things up and try something new. If you keep doing the same thing over and over, you are going to keep getting what you have always gotten. I'm not trying to be mean, just trying to help!
At this point I dont know what to change.....I never talk to him except maybe by way of email, to check and make sure he is still alive.......should I not do that?????could you explain more as to what you mean?? and no I wont have a melt down lol..... I really do have a life, I do things with my family all the time....we go camping, go to movies, spend time with my girls and my son...dont know what else to do.....but I do know one thing I done want another man in my life...... I like coming and going as I please.....just wish he was more responsible with c/s.working on that too.
braveheart has made an excellent point. Some "standers" are simply standing...as in standing still and standing "around" and not GAL or growing as people...
Unless your h loses ow again AND does not find another ow, even then, why come home? You are a known quantity he believes he no longer wants. So you have to be a diff person, as in more like the woman he fell in love with so many years ago...
Why'd he pick you back then? NOT B/C you said "I'll be at home waiting no matter what you do, or who you are with, I'll be right here in the same seat, and please come home please....(but if you do return, remember that I'll throw the A in your face when I'm hurt or mad and you owe me...")
See why this won't work and keeps you stuck? Don't confuse "Standing for your M" with NOT growing... I see that a whole lot. And the forgiveness thing...as a great queen told her husband, the king, after his ONE affair & his contrition, "Neither of us is ever to bring this up again and it is to be forgotten"...once discussed, and forgiveness given, THAT IS IT....
yeah, it is hard, no kidding. That's why I said it's a learned skill. And a gift for ALL concerned...let it go.
But having said that, back to Braveheart's point. What are you doing that is a 180? Are you just hoping for a repeat of the prior sitch wherein your h had an A...and then came home...."because he did it before"??? That is not much of a plan. You must do more. You must actually DB and that is not what I am hearing.
180's, GAL, and putting a moratorium on looking at old photos...don't do it for 6 months and definitely don't do it over the holidays or when it's rainy and dreary outside....
Pretend your life is a novel. Who is writing yours? How is this chapter going? How do YOU want your next chapter to go? Why not be the author of your life and not wait for your h? Move on. If he returns, you guys have some talking to do and he'll see a new improved you, going to exciting places, meeting interesting people and doing fun things...
No more "if you want to come home you can..." NO HE CAN'T!! What about your new life? What about your new interests? Why would you say he can come home as if nothing has happened? Come on...
You create your own happiness. YES YOU DO. A great friend of mine lost her brother when she was 16 while he drove home to be at her Sweet 16 party. That was heavy. Later on her first born developed a bad case of juvenile onset diabetes and her baby daughter, just 6 months old died of a viral infection....that friend is the single most centered happiest woman I know. I told her that her pain and loss scared me. I said I feel as if that type of tragedy, let alone 3, meant "life was a picture and now someone threw some red wine on it & it's ruined" and She said, "No, life is more like a tapestry and if you stand close to it, you can see the pain and the flaws but if you step back, you can see the textures and the shadows that help make it beautiful..."She also said she stopped trying to 2nd guess her choices about her daughter's care and said she could not go back into the past and could not get back what was lost, but she still had people in her life she loved who loved her...
Step back and see what you have going for you. Make it better. Take charge of your happiness b/c you have handed an absentee man way too much control over your life. He's gone. For now that is reality. Don't waste time looking backwards at the unchangeable or into the future at the unknowable. Create a good life today with what you have and be happy. You have to take charge of your life b/c no one else will. This is not the same as giving up so please don't misinterpret. Detach...let go. Move on. And fwiw, I had 2 relatives div and remarry their exes later on several years. It happens. But they ALL changed in the time apart. NONE of them "waited" for the other. Good luck, you are not alone. J-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
