I'm not familiar with your situation, but you should talk to an atty about this, if you haven't already done so. You should continue to meet the family's NEEDS, but have no obligation to meet her WANTS (unless and until a judge orders it, as perhaps being "the lifestyle to which she is accustomed," which -- sadly -- women often get, even when they've been unfaithful to their husbands).
And you DAMNED sure aren't under any obligation to enable her affair financially.
I would suggest that you do this IN WRITING, and run it by someone first, to make sure you have it out there in black-and-white that you will continue to meet your obligations, so that she doesn't twist it around on you.
I tried to use the "Is there anything you'd like to tell me?" approach the night before she left. I had found out about her "secret phone" and the fact that she had many daily texts to OM going back to the time when I originally found out she had cheated with him. I had asked W and OM both to cut off all contact and just let W and I work on damage control of R. She obviously didn't respect me enough to severe this relationship. The night before she left, we had spent several hours having a very deep heart-to-heart where she had confessed that she didn't see any other way to regain her self-confidence and/or independance without separating. She admitted that she had seen OM at his work on several occasions. I asked her "Are there any other skeletons that we need to pull out of this closet and discuss?" near the end of our conversation (knowing she had still left out at least one more important detail), and she lied "No". I really just wanted one more night sleeping with her so I let it drop for the night. She went to sleep and I couldn't, which was when I woke her up at 4am to find out what was really going on and that I knew about the phone and the fact that she had been in constant contact with for months. That's when she packed her stuff up and left.
I know that with no way to financially support herself, she is going to be backed against the wall when I approach her. She will come back at me like a rabid possum in a corner. It will likely lead to a fast track to a divorce filing, because she will want to get 1/2 of everything as quickly as possible, since she has no means to survive on her own. It's going to be BAD.
Even if she agrees to stop contacting OM (like she did before), I will have no way to prove one way or the other if she's telling the truth. She could use a friend's phone, go see him in person, etc. At this point my trust in her word is 0, and I really don't know if I'll ever be able to trust her completely.
At this point, I'm trying to adjust my focus on me and my s7. Her deceit and disrespect of our M has hurt us both badly. It's time for me to start respecting myself and stop letting her cake-eat and take advantage of me.
Making preparations to keep her from taking further advantage. Closing/Reopening a new checking account (she has debit card / checks on my account), go out and buy new locks for the house so she doesn't ransack it while I'm at work, check into terminating her main cell phone, etc.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
I'm not familiar with your situation, but you should talk to an atty about this, if you haven't already done so. You should continue to meet the family's NEEDS, but have no obligation to meet her WANTS (unless and until a judge orders it, as perhaps being "the lifestyle to which she is accustomed," which -- sadly -- women often get, even when they've been unfaithful to their husbands).
And you DAMNED sure aren't under any obligation to enable her affair financially.
I would suggest that you do this IN WRITING, and run it by someone first, to make sure you have it out there in black-and-white that you will continue to meet your obligations, so that she doesn't twist it around on you.
Puppy
Good advice. I do want to make sure that I make sure I don't end up getting shafted even worse. I haven't talked to an atty, so I don't know what my obligations are to her. I have full custody of s7 at this point. She was the one who decided to move out. She's driving a truck that I'm still paying for, using a cell phone I'm paying for, going to C on my dime. She's got credit card bills (not in my name) that direct-draft against my account. We still owe more on our house than it's current value, so there's no equity there to split. We have tons of debt that far outweighs any assets we have. One exception; when I got fired this summer, I cashed out of my stock savings plan, and have a small amount of that remaining that I guess I would be required to split with her. I want to make sure that if I do give W her share, I have some legal signed documents that show that transfer. I really do need to speak to someone that can advise me of what I'm legally obligated to provide for her. She hasn't really worked in 7 years, and I've been the sole provider.
None of this seems very related to divorce-busting...more like divorce-inducing, but it's a reality I have to consider.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
I wanted to extend my apologies once more for coming down so harsh on you yesterday...
I did mean what I said however after reading it again, I could have been a bit more pleasent...
I am going to say - Listen to Puppy as well as Tristan...
Each and every person is trying to help you in their own way...
To keep you from doing something you will regret later, to keep your sanity, to help you stay focused on your child, to help you GAL as well as do the 180's.
Make the preparations you feel you need to make, not based on her actions however based on the best interest of you and your son...
Protect yourself.
I was told this and I just couldn't do it...
For months I stood by as my WAH cleaned out our bank account, I lost my house as well as my car...
My 2 sons and I are living with my friggen parents in a converted garage with no heat/no air while he has an apartment and no worries...
It took me months before I filed for child support as well as open my own bank account because I figured by being nice, it would make him return...
It got me nothing but more cake-eating, more foggy behavior and more loss...
I just don't want anyone to make the same mistakes I made.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
You need to see an atty ASAP. Preferably a family law atty, who specializes in "men's rights" and paternal custody issues.
There's no way in h&LL I'd pay for her cellphone. Nix the direct-drafts of the cc's on your account, and segregate your finances. Once it's COMPLETED, tell her you've done it, very business-like. Your reason is "considering all that's happened, I felt it best to protect myself. I will of course continue to meet the family's financial needs, but I have decided that I am no longer willing to financially enable your affair."
You need to see an atty ASAP. Preferably a family law atty, who specializes in "men's rights" and paternal custody issues.
Agreed. I will see if I can find one right away and get some legal advice on how to deal with this.
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
I will of course continue to meet the family's financial needs, but I have decided that I am no longer willing to financially enable your affair." Puppy
I'm sure that the atty will be able to explain my obligations for my situation, but that may take a day or so. To me, my family is myself and my s7 at this point. I don't know how much support should go to her under that "family's financial needs" category. Should I still provide money for things such as groceries, toiletries, etc.? Maybe not even money. Maybe the actual products. Guess those are things I will find out soon. Hope I can find a "man friendly" family law atty.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
To me, my family is myself and my s7 at this point. I don't know how much support should go to her under that "family's financial needs" category. Should I still provide money for things such as groceries, toiletries, etc.? Maybe not even money. Maybe the actual products. Guess those are things I will find out soon.
It depends on your state's laws, your county's family court precedents, and what "lifestyle to which she is accustomed" would apply to your wife.
A few days won't kill you. When in doubt, err on the side of PAYING it. Do start with the cellphone tho -- that's a no-brainer, as she is using it DIRECTLY to conduct her affair. The only exception I would make to that is if you are able to get detailed billing on it, unbeknownst to you, in which case it becomes a treasure trove of good intel.
A few days won't kill you. When in doubt, err on the side of PAYING it. Do start with the cellphone tho -- that's a no-brainer, as she is using it DIRECTLY to conduct her affair. The only exception I would make to that is if you are able to get detailed billing on it, unbeknownst to you, in which case it becomes a treasure trove of good intel. Puppy
She actually has two phones. Her original one I pay for that still has 1 year left on the contract, and the formerly "secret phone" that is a no-contract disposable. She's a computer neophyte, and I actually have access to both from their respective websites, which is how I've found out she was still in regular contact with OM. I could cancel the expensive one and leave her to continue to pay for the disposable...and at least until she is smart enough to go to the website and say that she can't remember her password (it's sent to the phone), I still retain access to her call records. I hate it though. Until last night, I had resisted checking the logs, and it makes me feel like a raving lunatic to be paging through all the texts, noting dates/times, checking the calendar...ugh. Betrayal's effects on one's trust is such a painfully horrible thing...I'm sure everyone here understands that.
Bad day today. Spent most of it trying to keep it together. Got a recommendation for a atty. this afternoon and will be calling in the morning. Went and got H1N1 vaccination for s7 and myself. Ate dinner with parents and baby sister and her kids. I hate for them to see me in this much pain, and being around people that love me so much made it even harder to not just lose it completely in the restaurant. Still, appreciated the time spent with them.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
I am sorry CC. I know exactly how you feel. I did stop checking the records and it helped.
Being near family helped too. However, it was hard to keep everything I wanted to say about the situation inside. I kept wanting to say "Its not my fault; she's the one with a boyfriend!" But I am glad I said nothing about it now. Be careful what you say to the family. I did most of my venting here.
Listen to what Puppy is saying. He is the best. I was hoping he would stop by.
