I never thought I would be here

[2overcome]

Well, I put the boundaries in place Wed. night. Told her where I stood if she chose to sleep around. I also told her that I am honoring my vows until the papers are signed. She had mentioned the fact that I was being controlling. (Now either I struck a nerve in her or my tone might have been off to sound like I was controlling). Either case she knows where I stand, and what I believe. I feel better because I spoke my mind. I realized yesterday that most of my life, if not all - that I have been a very co-dependent person. That was a bitter/sweet pill to swallow. Bitter because I can't believe how pathetic that is, but sweet because now that I know I can do something about it and work on my independence. Right now I am feeling fine and enlightened. I realize in my life that I had very few boundaries, except when it comes to people messing with my wife or daughter - that's a no-no. I believe I have come to grip with things, and accept that divorce may be inevitable. (Already dead approach). Of course, in the back of my mind I hope it all works out and my marriage is saved, but I am trying to place all of my focus on becoming a better man from this - to me that is the important part and the rest is just details.

I have taken my wedding ring off as my way of detaching myself from her. Don't get me wrong I love her and I would do anything for her - but I feel it's for my own good and possibly for the good of what's left of my marriage that I detach. I know that I am looking in and trying to face issues and demons that I have wrestled with that I have just swept under the rug in my past.

It's time for me to start loving myself, and finding respect for myself. As I type this and reflect on how fine I feel now, I am trying to accept that I may have a day where that emotion will want to step in over this whole matter, and hope that I have enough strength to make it through that without it getting the best of me. I'm sure this will probably happen when I'm around her at the house. If I can just focus on putting one foot in front of the other and take small steps, then hopefully the large, confident strides will come into place. It's time for me to face my fears.