Quick Fix Magic Bullet for MLC

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Ohhhhh, no no no no no no.

I am NOT justifying the affair. Never. I could offer up the most lame excuses for that and it would be like siding a house with tissue paper in the face of a hurricane. Pointless.

I was 100% wrong for the affair.
That my wife had an affair with me during my first marriage, well that should have indicated the problems she had in her own head. And something I dwelt on long and hard, seeking the attention of men who should be out of reach to make her self esteem feel better. The OM was my best friend, it is hard to come between two friends...its like a watermark.

Fukc, I wasn't saying you cannot judge me for the affair, hell I'll give you half my rocks on that one. I did not blame her for MY affair, that was all me.

I AM saying it is not up to you to judge me on leaving my marriage. It wasn't the affair, that was over. It was for me, I was done. There is a difference between a WAS and a MLC WAS. I cannot make that clear enough.

Like your friend, I regret the affair, but I do not regret leaving that marriage. I am also willing to bet your friend, also regrets the hurt she caused, and wondered if they could have been done without it. Talk about a pipe dream.

Defensive?

A bit. I had to think about that one. I am not proud of aspects of my past. I could have done things better...or not at all.

Was she aware of the affair?

No. I kept that from her. Why? altruism? Pfftpt, no.
Did I want to hurt her? Also no. It is more complicated than that. The truth is a mix of alot of diferent reasons.
Who wants to admit to an affair to their spouse? Who delibrately wants to hurt their spouse? Who wants to put everyone invloved through that?

She eventually found out. And that I regret, at the time I didn't care what she thought about me, but I would have kept that from her for her sake. Maybe that is warped thinking, I just do not see how that helped her in anyway.

Is the reason you work/worked so hard to make your current marriage work because of the statistical data and your own need to justify the fact that you ended up with the OW? Or is it More because of how your first marriage ended up and feeling like you have learned how to succeed?

Pissy?

Actually Ian, I love you like a brother who I don't talk to that often...not many people challenge me, make me think, I actually miss that here. Not many people know that I am as cracked and tranished as they are. : )

These are old scars, that occasionally need to be bled.

Back to your question. Wow...

Is the reason you work/worked so hard to make your current marriage work because of the statistical data and your own need to justify the fact that you ended up with the OW?

That's two questions. : ) I am answering these as completely as I can.
I am aware of the statistical numbers. I didn't stay married to prove them wrong, I don't work so hard on marriage to buck the odds. I like that we have, however. I am proud of that.

Justifying that I ended up with my wife...the OW.
I didn't leave my first marriage to be with her. So that is not entirely true. There IS some truth to it...but she was not the reason I got divorced. She was is my life shortly after I left my marriage, but did I fight so hard to stay married in MLC land because it would justify my past decision?
No.
There IS some truth to it...in this. We fight for the good times what we remember about the spouse the marriage, the relationship. Our past included the affair. And our relationship after the divorce. So that justified my reason to stay married.

Or is it More because of how your first marriage ended up and feeling like you have learned how to succeed?

I'm living proof that I did not learn how to suceed in marriage after my first one. I learned what I didn't want, I learned what I did want. But I didn't learn HOW to be married.

I learned how to suceed in a marriage after DBing.

There was not one thing that was more of a reason than the others. It was a combination.


To those of you reading this.

You HAVE to understand, I empathize with your walk away spouse.
I understand why they did. So when I advise chhanging and it being real? I more than likely wouldn't be here if my first wife did. I more than likely wouldn't be here if she had discovered DBing and done the hard work.

I cannot stand it when a poster only sees their spouses fault for walking away with looking at themselves and seeing a NEED for a change. Yeah your perfect...and you're more than likely going to be divorced.

With a walk away spouse without MLC, I am willing to bet cash money they talked to you about their problems several times, and those issues were ignored or disregarded.

As a LBS of an MLCer, I empathize with the LBS as well. And I will STILL Tell you that you MUST change for yourself.