Can I save my marriage?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Sadgirl, you hit the nail on the head. I know what needs to be done I just have to make myself do it. I was out driving to this morning, the sun is shining and I thought to myself, life is too short to be yanked around by a man that wants me one minute and doesn't the next. As hard as it is to accept, I want him to want me all the time. Until that happens or IF that happens, then I am going to be strong. I have a lot of support here. My two sisters live here and I have 2-3 really good friends helping me through this. I will be okay. I know that.

Not if you keep doing all of THIS:

When H called this morning he just has a way of yanking me in. I quickly sent him a text which didn't need to be more than that, and he complains why I wasn't very nice and why I didn't ask him how his morning is going? I just don't know what to say when questions like that are asked of me?

A: You ignore him. HOW HARD IS THAT TO UNDERSTAND?????

(((Puppy, pounding his little doggy skull on his dish)))

[Ready2Change]

Hi Sweetie!

Britt,

I hope you realize how FORTUNATE you are to have people like CityGirl, Trent, SadGirl, Coach, Ready2Change, Kettricken and others giving you such PATIENT, amazing advice.

I strongly suggest you start IMPLEMENTING some of it, because even though their patience is obviously stronger than mine, there WILL come a day when it wanes, and their posts to you (tho I'm sure not their concern) will decrease.

At some point, YOU have to do the work. I pray it will be very soon.

Puppy

Read the words above THREE TIMES VERY SLOWLY.

Burn these into your head: "DO WORK" & "PASS OUT WHAT YOU WANT TO RECEIVE"

DO WORK - Commit to personal growth. Continually make positive change to YOU. Set a goal to become independent. When you are happily independent, you will be in the right state of mind to work on the R with H. Let him go for now. Have faith that he will want you back in the future.

PASS OUT WHAT YOU WANT TO RECEIVE: You need lots of support right now. Go out and offer your support to other newbies and make connections with them. They will reciprocate. Show them empathy and and offer advise (feel free to take our advise and pass it around). I pass out support and it supports me. It burns important ideas into MY head.

[Super Girl]

There seems to be a bit of oral-cranial dysfunction here. She says the words, but they aren't processing in her brain correctly.

Britt, Stop! Stop. it. now!

I'm starting to worry less about your marriage and more about your state of mind. Let him go.

[Lll54]

Okay. Check, Check, and Check. I have been reading on other peoples threads and offering my words when I feel I can. It uplifts me and makes me feel like a better person. I will continue to do so...Check.

Ignore the man when he asks me these questions. Check.

Let H go............Check.

Get to a doctor for anti-anxiety meds. Check (next week when I can)

Paint my livingroom, do something for me..Check.

Go on a road trip with sis and my boys. Check

Have a wonderful weekend with my children. Check

Love myself..Check.

Thank all of you for sticking by me...check. I wish there was a way to meet every single one of you. I feel like i can't thank you enough through just words on a computer.

[Kettricken]

Now, in Britt's defense, if you've been strongly socialized/trained to always be polite/considerate/empathetic/forgiving -- IOW, a "nice girl" -- it is hard, hard, and against deeply-ingrained habit to start ignoring someone or terminating conversations before they want you to, etc. (I don't know if that's the case, but it kind of sounds that way.)

You still gotta find a way, Britt. But I know it doesn't come easy. You've been given some really good ideas for how to respond above, and I would actually sit down and devote some time to writing out responses along those lines. Do some role-playing. Next time he says something like, "Why didn't you ask about my day?", what will YOU say? (Hint: it should not contain the word "sorry".) Then you'll be ready.

I don't mean you should obsess on this, and you'll never be able to explore every possible scenario, and you shouldn't try. But when you're trying to execute a very different communications style, practice practice practice.

Someone upthread said that he is treating you the way you let him. So don't let him use you as an unpaid counselor if he doesn't want to be your husband. Why should you serve the cake?

[Lll54]

True, true. I am one of those people that apologizes for EVERYTHING! It just sometimes come naturally in my speech. It is hard to stop doing, thank you for bringing that up, as i never thought of that. When he asked me this morning why I didn't ask how his day was going, I replied, "sorry, just really in a hurry, got a lot on the go today" I felt good about letting him know I'm busy and not breaking into conversation mode, but you're right, sorry DID come out of my mouth. I guess I should have dropped that word off my reply and it would have sounded better. I think role-playing is a good idea. I may do that with my sis on my road trip this afternoon. He runs my show, clear as day. I'm working on it, and enjoying doing it as well! Yay for me!

[chatterbug]

Hey Britt. I posted this in my thread. But will post here.

You asked where in Canuack land I was located.

I am close to the centre of the universe. The big smoke. Hogtown. 905 land.

[Ready2Change]

The less words the better. Be distinct and to the point.
"Bye!" with a huge smile works great.

All the changes that are required WILL FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE at first.

HUGS

[Lll54]

So this post has nothing to do with H. I am just wondering for those of you that have been going through this for a while, what do you do on those nights where you are at home and lonely. I have been GAL'ing so much, sometimes its nice to just have a friday night at home with my boys. But my boys are young and go to bed early, and then leaves me. All by myself. Just wondering how some of you get through those moments when you used to sit down on the couch next you your S and cuddle under a blanket and watch a movie, and now its just you. This is quite troublesome for me. Its the doing everything alone, being home alone, parenting alone, shopping alone, visiting alone, sleeping alone that's getting to me now.

[Ready2Change]

Hi Sweetie,

I enjoy it (alone time). I read. I think. I watch movies. I listen to music. I talk to friends on the phone if I get lonely. I watch sad movies and let stuffed emotions out. I watch funny movies and laugh. I do hobbies. I take a hot bath. I take a cold shower. And if no one is watching, I dance around the house naked!

I do what ever I want! I am happy being alone with me. It took awhile to get comfortable alone. (I had attachment issues) But it is very important to get to this alone and happy state.

I find balance:

Dad/Alone/Socializing

Work/Sleep/Play