how to 180 when you've been too independent?

[pearlharbr]

Why not marry after 23 years?

Again, (and I'm working on "this is all my fault!!" I resisted it. For the first many years, neither of us cared.

After many years, I knew (though we never really talked about it) that he would love to marry me--cause he wanted that reassurance of my love and commitment.

Until about 4 years ago, I was definately hesitant and unsure and afraid to commit. (issues I am working on with counselor). Then I began to shift and did want to think/talk about marriage. But our level of communication on these deep, intimate topics was so low, I never had the courage to bring it up.

Wow does that feel like you're talking about us except for I didn't have commitment issues but I was sure BF did.

You're working on the commitment issues with an IC, good. That's something that you need to resolve for you.

I do have to say that even if we had married, I am betting that my LSD would have given him the excuse for the A, anyhow. All I would have is the additional complications of a legal divorce.

Bingo. I did bring that up with BF in the early days, I asked if we had gotten married would he be more willing to work things out. Nope. When they're in the affair fog marriage vows don't make one bit of difference.

So that's another thing you can work on improving for you. You can check out the SSM book which has a lot of insight into this issue. And believe me, turning this around will benefit you no matter what. I didn't even realize that I was LD (well, I knew I was compared to BF) because I had been that way for so long. Once I got my medical issues turned around I definitely noticed the difference. Don't focus on the R aspects at this point but do figure out the causes for your LD.