I tried to make it clear there was no threat involved, and I was simply wanted to focus on my business more.
is disingenuous, and your wife knows it. You should have just said "It's what I've decided to do for now," or "Considering some of your recent decision-making, I felt I needed to do what's best for me and my business right now."
THERE IS NO SHAME IN PROTECTING YOURSELF.
Puppy
I see. I need to stop thinking about how she reacts.
Thanks for being here!
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
There is about 15-18k in the accounts, depending on which bills are about to be paid. She's been in charge of all house hold bills, so I don't know how many checks are outstanding.
We had spent over 30k of savings on the home renovation.
I just checked the credit cards. One has only a few hundred, the other has $4500 (her recent MLC purchases included). There's about 15k of available credit between the two. There's a more money involved than I thought.
That's plenty, and you need to protect yourself.
I would call and ask to speak to a loan officer, or at least a supervisor. Let them know that you will NOT be assuming any financial responsibility (short of being litigated against) on the account from this day before, and you "are hereby notifying them" of that. Then follow it up by sending them a letter, certified return receipt.
As for your bank or credit union, I would go there in person, and ask to speak to a branch manager or an officer, and explain the situation. I did this, and found them to be MOST helpful.
I'm getting great advice here, but I'm having a hard time focusing on it. I don't think I did very good last night.
I usually come straight home from work on thursdays, so last night I stayed out afterwords; went to the book stores looking for another copy of "rational recovery", and other books. W calls and then texts me "where r u?", and I decided to wait a few minutes before I respond. She starts calling again and again, so I quickly answer and tell her "sorry, I was busy, what's up?".
She tells me that D17 is again locked in her room, and has been screaming and crying on the phone with her boyfriend trying to prevent him from breaking up with her for the past couple of hours. I tell her that I'll come straight home in case it continues to escalate. This is not at all like D17, and it's very scary for both of us.
W calls back in just a few minutes and tells me that "you've got to get here soon and get her off the phone. You've got to explain to her that when a relationship is broken, you can't fix it!". I don't quite know what to say, but I don't want to tell my daughter that and I don't think it's the right thing to FORCE her off the phone yet. I'm not even at the house yet. Our conversation quickly descends into exactly the unpleasant kind of conversation I've been trying to avoid as part of DB, one were I calmly listen to her, and then try to explain what I think are rational options and it pisses her off. She ends the conversation abruptly (what I should have done). I wish I hadn't been drawn into it, but I'm worried about D17.
By the time I got home (20 minutes later), W is outside D17's door, listening to her side of the phone conversation. She has calmed down a lot. She is still pleading and pleading with the boy. She sounds almost like a LBS. We listen together, as D17 winds up her conversation. I'm glad to hear that she has been seeing a counselor daily at her school. She tells BF that she thinks their relationship is just like her parents and she doesn't want either to end in disaster. (D17 eavesdropped a few days after bomb and knows way more that she should).
I thought our co parenting was still going to be sound, but now I'm gonna have to figure out some boundaries for that too? I'm only three weeks into this.
Later that night, after everything calmed down. W just comes into masterbedroom and asks for my cigarettes. I don't smoke. I bought one pack day after bomb, smoked only a few. I was mr. nice guy, and said "you can just have the pack". it just didn't feel right...
I've gotta set some boundaries right?
Last edited by Awoken; 11/13/0903:28 PM.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
It's been a long weekend so far, and I decided to take a couple of days sway from the forums.
I had gigs both Friday and Saturday nights, and kept in touch with my kids via text messages the whole time, as W was not communicating, and I had no idea what she was going to do. Originally she was supposed to be going out. I wasn't going to ask her about it!
I'm proud of D17, who now seems to be handling her own sitch pretty well! She went out to a party Sat with her friends, away from her BF giving him space and "letting him know I can do fine without him". It's like she's DBing on her own. I wanted to tell her not to cling so much to BF, and she's figuring it out herself.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
i don't know why, but I'm doing so much worse these past few days. My feelings of hopelessness, anger, frustration, sadness, and everything else are overwhelming me moreso that when this sitch all started. today I'm sitting here and I simply have no idea which direction to go in. On one hand, I think I need patience and time just to let this stuff work out, but then I desperately think that if I wait too long, something awful may happen and I need to intervene for the benefit of my family. I want to do what is RIGHT, but I have no IDEA.
I need help, some 2x4's, or whatever you have.
so many possible actions keep going through my mind. i went to a councilor at the university where I teach part time yesterday. I just couldn't face standing up infront of a room of 100 students with my game face on. I don't know if I've been putting of my grief, but it's been pouring all over me for the past two days. I one of my colleagues to cover the class for me (just as well). I didn't really connect with the councilor very much, but she urged me to take a stand and confront my W about her drinking. I'm just not sure how it will play out.
Here's what's been going on. Last week W seemed to be trying to quit or cut backing on the drinking. she's been very irritable and pulling back from the kids a good deal. however, but Saturday, she went back to drinking again. She drank a bottle of wine and 1/2 a bottle of vodka. I knew something was up when D17 came and got me in a panic because W was supposed to take her to a party but was gone from the house. I had a gig that night, and texted with the kids all night to be sure they were ok. I think W went out for most of the night and left S13 at home by himself. It really upsets me that she seems to be detaching from him as well as she pursues whatever. D17 arranged a ride home from another parent, which was a relief to me.
Sunday, D17 and I had a plan to work on her AP homework together. However, W took D17 shoe shopping for D17's belated birthday. Then proceeded to only buy shoes for herself. Then took her to a friends house to help W do work on W's graduate class! They returned late that night, and W made drinks and locked herself in the guestroom, leaving D17 with hours of homework left to do. D17 was clearly frustrated. I spent most of sunday at home trying to hide my sadness from S13, but I lost it. I don't know why it hit so hard this particular day. S13 invited one of his friends over, and I did chores and weeped.
Monday, I try to go to work, and manage to make it through one class, goto the councilor, then I had to go to a student concert that night. I spent the afternoon reading "rational recovery" at the bookstore. right before the concert, my S13 calls. I hear W yelling at him in the background, and he yells back "I'll just handle it myself!". He needs help with a homework assignment: he has to make some kind of candy(weird assignment!) D17 gets on the phone and says shes trying to help out, and W has "locked herself in her room to watch movies again". it's only about 6pm. When I got home, the house was in disarray. Clearly W came home from work(4pm), did her online graduate class, got some drinks, and left the kids on their own as she retreated to her room. I suspect she is coming off her manic phase pretty hard now? i don't know. this is what is looks like, but i'm such a mess i'm not trusting my judgment at all since i tend to over read everything.
ok, this morning, monday. I take D17 to school. W left at 5am or 5:30am, leaving the house reeking of perfume. I don't know if thats new or just part of her recent makeover. i'm starting the think she's using the morning to meet om? she has to be at work by 7am. D17 tells me this morning about her frustration with W; I'm trying to be careful and not put her in the middle. it's heartbreaking for me because she is clearly trying to carry the burden of all this all by herself and keeps telling me she will be just fine. she tells me she knows "mom is bi-polar" and that her and S13 talked about it lastnight and he knows too. She says shes known since she was 12 or 13, because she we blow up at them for no reason. I've discussed it with her once, a year ago when she seemed to be blaming her mothers fury on herself. there just seemed no way around it, but she now says she's known for much longer. she asked if she needs to watch out for her drinking (sob!).
I then took D13 to school, and asked him how he was doing. He just said he knew what was going on and he figured that in 2-3 months it would better and he would just wait it out.
i know this it probably too many details, i'm gonna make another posts about what i'm thinking about doing...
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
it seems like i should take some kind of stand with W about what is going on. i don't know how that would play out. even if wife agreed, wouldn't she just play along and then hide her drinking more? should I asked her to leave the house until she gets help?
what really concerns me, is that it's not just drinking, but the fact that she is not being treated for bi-polar. as I've said in earlier posts. she announced in our once joint MC session that she had quit her meds 6 months ago. I check the medicine cabinet and found that she had gone to the hmo general doctor and got a med just for depression. who knows what she told that doctor; besides the alochol does'nt help at all. So, I've got to get her to get treatment for BOTH alochol and BPD? or tackle the BDP first?
one angle I could take is to contact her parents. right now her plans are to leave next tuesday for the other side of the country spend thanksgiving with them and party with her old highschool friends. Me and the kids will stay here for thanksgiving. Her BPD showed up in early teens, including a suicide attempt. It's unclear to me weather her parents clearly acknowledge exactly the nature of it. Her dad often tells her that she need to "just calm down!" and he's a registered nurse. On top of that, my relationship with them is not very good. my fault. a few days after the bomb, i sent them a brief email about some friends performing in there area, and then added at the end that I knew I had not been very good at expressing it but "I loved them very much". I received a reply of "thanks for your kind words". I think I've earned some bad will from them, or W has already set them against me.
I still think I could reason with them. I'm thinking about calling them on the day that W flys there and asking for there help with the sitch: not with the M, but with the drinking and BPD. I know I'm not supposed to reach out to family members for help. what do you think?
I'm also still thinking about possible OM, but I don't have enough info anymore, even a clear idea about when she might be meeting him so that I could hire PI. My best guess is that there was brief OM, and that that trigger all this. but when I read the posts by robx, puppy, gucci, I feel like this is just foolish of me.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
it seems like i should take some kind of stand with W about what is going on. i don't know how that would play out. even if wife agreed, wouldn't she just play along and then hide her drinking more? should I asked her to leave the house until she gets help?
Your wife is an alcoholic. She needs help. And YOU need help to learn how to deal with this also. To either cope in this abusive situation or devise a strategy to get out and save yourself.
I would recommend you seek out a conselour who specifies in working with spouses of alcoholics and a support group for the same. Have you ever gone to an AA meeting yourself just to listen to peoples stories; maybe to tell yours and hear the comments from recoverying alcoholics and the lengths their husbands and wives went to to help them. Most of them lost their jobs, homes and familys over their addiction.
Sometimes a crisis such as you leaving is enough to wake them up; sometimes it creates obsessive behavior trying to win you back. We have examples of this on this board.
i don't know why, but I'm doing so much worse these past few days. My feelings of hopelessness, anger, frustration, sadness, and everything else are overwhelming me moreso that when this sitch all started. today I'm sitting here and I simply have no idea which direction to go in. On one hand, I think I need patience and time just to let this stuff work out, but then I desperately think that if I wait too long, something awful may happen and I need to intervene for the benefit of my family. I want to do what is RIGHT, but I have no IDEA.
I need help, some 2x4's, or whatever you have.
so many possible actions keep going through my mind. i went to a councilor at the university where I teach part time yesterday. I just couldn't face standing up infront of a room of 100 students with my game face on. I don't know if I've been putting of my grief, but it's been pouring all over me for the past two days. I one of my colleagues to cover the class for me (just as well). I didn't really connect with the councilor very much, but she urged me to take a stand and confront my W about her drinking. I'm just not sure how it will play out.
Here's what's been going on. Last week W seemed to be trying to quit or cut backing on the drinking. she's been very irritable and pulling back from the kids a good deal. however, but Saturday, she went back to drinking again. She drank a bottle of wine and 1/2 a bottle of vodka. I knew something was up when D17 came and got me in a panic because W was supposed to take her to a party but was gone from the house. I had a gig that night, and texted with the kids all night to be sure they were ok. I think W went out for most of the night and left S13 at home by himself. It really upsets me that she seems to be detaching from him as well as she pursues whatever. D17 arranged a ride home from another parent, which was a relief to me.
Sunday, D17 and I had a plan to work on her AP homework together. However, W took D17 shoe shopping for D17's belated birthday. Then proceeded to only buy shoes for herself. Then took her to a friends house to help W do work on W's graduate class! They returned late that night, and W made drinks and locked herself in the guestroom, leaving D17 with hours of homework left to do. D17 was clearly frustrated. I spent most of sunday at home trying to hide my sadness from S13, but I lost it. I don't know why it hit so hard this particular day. S13 invited one of his friends over, and I did chores and weeped.
Monday, I try to go to work, and manage to make it through one class, goto the councilor, then I had to go to a student concert that night. I spent the afternoon reading "rational recovery" at the bookstore. right before the concert, my S13 calls. I hear W yelling at him in the background, and he yells back "I'll just handle it myself!". He needs help with a homework assignment: he has to make some kind of candy(weird assignment!) D17 gets on the phone and says shes trying to help out, and W has "locked herself in her room to watch movies again". it's only about 6pm. When I got home, the house was in disarray. Clearly W came home from work(4pm), did her online graduate class, got some drinks, and left the kids on their own as she retreated to her room. I suspect she is coming off her manic phase pretty hard now? i don't know. this is what is looks like, but i'm such a mess i'm not trusting my judgment at all since i tend to over read everything.
ok, this morning, monday. I take D17 to school. W left at 5am or 5:30am, leaving the house reeking of perfume. I don't know if thats new or just part of her recent makeover. i'm starting the think she's using the morning to meet om? she has to be at work by 7am. D17 tells me this morning about her frustration with W; I'm trying to be careful and not put her in the middle. it's heartbreaking for me because she is clearly trying to carry the burden of all this all by herself and keeps telling me she will be just fine. she tells me she knows "mom is bi-polar" and that her and S13 talked about it lastnight and he knows too. She says shes known since she was 12 or 13, because she we blow up at them for no reason. I've discussed it with her once, a year ago when she seemed to be blaming her mothers fury on herself. there just seemed no way around it, but she now says she's known for much longer. she asked if she needs to watch out for her drinking (sob!).
I then took D13 to school, and asked him how he was doing. He just said he knew what was going on and he figured that in 2-3 months it would better and he would just wait it out.
i know this it probably too many details, i'm gonna make another posts about what i'm thinking about doing...
Awoken,
To be honest, I only made it about 2/3rds of the way thru your post.
THIS HAS TO STOP.
Your wife is an alcoholic, and she's not going to be able to "just wean herself" off of it, or "try to cut down on her drinking." I have more than a little close experience with alcoholism myself (mother, aunt, grandmother, possibly brother), and whether you use AA or the other program, getting your wife to get help is PRIORITY #1 here.
You can't possibly DB until this gets addressed.
I'd suggest you call your local Al Anon chapter, and start there. You need support. You are carrying your entire family's burden's, and it's starting to affect your OWN mental health, as well as your job performance.
These folks can help you lay down firm boundaries with your wife, whose current behavior borders on emotional abuse of her own children.
