Slept with XH, help!!

[Augtan]

Just got information that indicates XH and OW have broken up!!!

Now, I need lots of help with what to do next. I want to do it exactly right. I think I should just pretend I don't know that, not talk to him, basiclly keep things the same, yet now I am more determined to be happy, light, fun-loving when we do talk... about the kids. I did do just that last night when we did talk, about Thanksgiving and Christmas. I just don't want him to get a new OW!! I want to be the new OW! What should I do??

A

[trustingfaith]

I think you should do exactly that - don't say anything about it, keep things light and happy when you do talk to him, and do not pursue at all.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Just got information that indicates XH and OW have broken up

Be careful. That information might not be true.

Be you for you. Keep up the good changes Aug.

[brandnewday]

A,

As I stated previously in another post, your moods are clearly dictated by your Husbands moods or actions.

Stop!!

So what if your H and the OW have broken up. They might get back together after having a little spat. Honestly who cares????

You are the one who needs to make some changes before you can even begin to think about a relationship with your Husband.

And you can be as mad at me as you want, but take heed to my warning...

"IF your Husband were to come home now and you were still the same person, lacking forgiveness, and still with the same hang ups, he will be back out that door within a month"

[a new 2moro]

My XH has said some very interesting things to me. He told me "everytime you cry and tell me all the things I have done and are doing... it pushes me closer to OW and further from you". He told me "I need time to process all this, please give me the time I need, I don't know if I made the right decision or not, I don't know what is going on with me". He also said a few times "if the divorce doesn't work out we can get back together"

Take this to heart A! He speaks the truth, in a warped way. Part of him knows and is aware of the confusion in his mind.Hes telling you the truth you WILL push him to OW

[Augtan]

bnd--Thanks for the input, but as I stated before I come here to talk about this subject, but it most certainly doesn't rule my world or my thoughts. I want to be able to post here what is happening with that part of my life, period. It does matter what XH is doing and we all know it..otherwise why would we be here? That doesn't mean every minute of everyday I am dwelling on him and what he is thinking or doing. This is mearly my place to talk about that subject. I know the changes and progress I have made and I am pleased with it, I know I am no where near the woman I was when this all started, and never will be. I also know if XH came back it would be impossible for it not to be different, but it would be a challenge forsure.

I know saying or doing anything to him right now will push him to OW. And, I don't think they are broken up at all. It is just a game they are playing for her XH during the custody battle. Whatever!

I have a good plan...I am going to have the house decorated over the top for Christmas by the time he gets here for Thanksgiving. I read an excert from a book today, I think is is called "Saving Your Marriage Alone" something like that, anyway it says for the woman with a husband in an A to make herself, life and home the most alluring place for him, the most comfortable, homey, happy, no judgement place!! So, no words about anything but positive, good things, all while he has to see that we are a family here without him and he is missing it all. So, that is my plan right now, along with going out more with friends and loving my kids, cause they need me to be strong and steady for them. They have been through so much, and still are reeling from all the changes in their lives over such a short period of time.

It was a rough day, but I am still standing!! A lot going on with her XH bugging me to help him with his custody battle against OW. I have already done all I can do for him and I just want to stay out of it all and not even acknowledge she exists in my life. I am done giving her any power, thought or time, she isn't worth it!!

A

[K4D]

Augtan,

Post all you want here. Let it out. Vent to your hearts content. Better here than to your XH. This site is great for all of us to do that.

Kevin

[brandnewday]

Aug,
Yes!!! Vent here all day long!
This is a good place to be for getting it all out.
I also read that book.
I actually started a thread in MLC about starting new traditions for the holidays.
Whenever my Husband would come to visit I made sure the house was spotless, and homey. Burning his favorite candles and the cupboards stocked with his favorite foods.
I wanted to leave him with good memories.
There is another book out there also, called Solo Partner which can also be very helpful.
Oh and one more called How can I forgive you. This is a wonderful tool to help get over the affair and find forgivness again.

[Augtan]

I am getting really discourage and am ready to give up. I keep finding out more and more of the lies he told and all he has done before we were even seperated. I know it shouldn't matter, I know I need to put the past behind me, etc. But, I am sure many of you when you learn about something awful you get a sick feeling and such. That is how I feel right now. I have not gone looking for this, snooping or anything of the sort, it was e-mailed to me! I keep trying to tell myself none of it matters, that I cannot change it and I know he was and is not himself while and when he is doing this stuff. But, honestly, we are D and I don't think there is anything, no amount of DBing that will bring him back to me. That doesn't mean I will stop doing most of the principles of DBing for me, and to make me a better person over-all. I just really don't think there is anyway I could or would trust him again enough to get back together. I will always love the person he was, but I can't see myself being in love with him again to the point where I would have complete trust in him again. And, I don't want to live my life that way. His lies are too huge and too deep, I know most of the MLCer's are, but it would take pages and pages to list what this man has done and lied about to sooo many people.

I am in a bad place today! It hurts so much to be betrayed so deep, and it never seems to end, just when I think I have made it over a hump, something else happens...Thanks for the support everyone, I am not giving up on DBing for me, just as a reason to get back XH!! Does that make sense??

A

[kjensen]

It hurts so much to be betrayed so deep,

To me, betrayal means he hurt you on purpose, or did something not specifically to hurt you, but that he knew his actions/words would hurt you and proceeded anyway....

I'm not sure someone in MLC has that awareness-at least not consistently.

I will always love the person he was, but I can't see myself being in love with him again to the point where I would have complete trust in him again.

Maybe not now, maybe not ever..BUT...who knows how you will grow and what amount of forgiveness you can find in your heart?

If you truly come to the awareness that you cannot forgive him or trust him again...the its truly time to move on and not focus on him.

Its been 11 months since I found out about my husband's affair and I thought I couldn't get over it...but I have. I feel bad for my H-he is still processing her dumping him in May and as consumed and obsessed with her and info about her as I was initially...now I only think of her randomly- just a fleeting thought every several days. Not with anger, just sadness for him and for her.

Trust-that one I'm still working on, since the lies and secretiveness continue at the moment.

Keep DBing to get YOU back, to improve YOU. This isn't about "how do i get my spouse back?".. its about how do I become the best person I can be or How do I do I take care of myself and detach with love? How do I deal with a spouse that seems to be abducted by aliens and behaving in ways I never imagined and still support and love them?