To all of this I said “It really must be hard to feel so lost and such a sense of guilt and self loathing. That said, I can’t help you find your way. You have to find it. I will participate in your recovery as necessary but I won’t guide you to it and place you there. You have to seek it and work it. I also will not tolerate a 3rd person in our marriage. You need to know if you see/speak to her again, our marriage is over. You have to give me some time to process all of what you have just told me so I’d like to just sit on this for awhile and I’ll let you know when I want to talk. As far as your commitment, words are cheap and actions are where it’s at so don’t give me empty promises. They sound nice but I’m not nieve. I know the difference between an act of love and loving words. The act means 10 times more to me.”
It ended there.
And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is how it's DONE.
(Yes, Gina, that is the HIGHLY coveted "Puppy's 4 Whistles Award")
Started with validation ("It really must be hard to feel so lost and such a sense of guilt and self loathing ...").
Laid out your own Boundaries of Personal Integrity ("I also will not tolerate a 3rd person in our marriage. You need to know if you see/speak to her again, our marriage is over.")
Didn't allow herself to be rushed, or -- more importantly -- to say or do something at that moment of maximum stress that might hurt her DB efforts at such a crucial time ("You have to give me some time to process all of what you have just told me ... ")
... and KEPT CONTROL OF THE TIMELINE/AGENDA ("... so I’d like to just sit on this for awhile and I’ll let you know when I want to talk.)
... and ended by standing up for herself and landing some amazing "truth darts" ("As far as your commitment, words are cheap and actions are where it’s at so don’t give me empty promises. They sound nice but I’m not nieve. I know the difference between an act of love and loving words. The act means 10 times more to me."
Gina, something tells me that you REHEARSED that confrontation, and PREPARED for it, am I right?
I'm really sorry for your pain, Gina, but you can do this. And you have some amazing people here who can (and will) help you! I know that must have been incredibly difficult to do, but I have a feeling you will look back on that conversation 20, 30, 40 years from now as the Moment You Took Back Your Life.
