Can I save my marriage?

[Super Girl]

I feel the same way, R2C. I feel like I am a much better parent now. Can't beat that!

[Lll54]

I hope one day at can be where you are R2C. You sound wonderful. Thank you for helping me through this. I have been at this for 6 weeks now, and still need help. I feel like personally I have started doing things for me, I have gained more of a social life (H noticed and commented), I try to love myself and I think I do, but maybe I just have low self esteem. All that goes through my mind when I think of this actually being over is the fact that I have two young, young children. What man wants to be a part of that? "Hi nice to meet you..I'm Britt. Wanna come home and help me change diapers? Cause that's what my life is about right now. No? That's what I though". Yes I'm open to the fact that there may be somebody better out there for me, but who wants to get involved in the baggage I carry around. I'm fearful to be lonely. I hate being alone. Its one of my biggest fears in life.

I know my H isn't treating me very well right now. He went into MY email and got mad at me for something that he should have never known about. And it wasn't even bad. A simple apologetic email to my friends about my behavior. I understand that he was feeling bad for reading a few bad things about himself and took it out on me. Blaming me. But I don't want to lose my marriage over this. He came over yesterday beforehand and completely cleaned and organized our garage. You do not do something like that if you are planning on packing all that stuff up soon. He even said it, we came so far and then you wrote the email. And I don't want to be involved in this stupid drama. I'm outta here.

I do take responsibility for his emotions. Its pretty sad. All that went through my mind last night was how upset I was at myself for not logging out of the email. Its stupid, it really is. Hopefully once I start to recognize it, it is one step forward in the right direction. I know it is not my responsibility to apologize for him being hurt over what my girlfriends said, but I felt like by apologizing to him it would make him feel better. I thought about that today. I KNOW it wasn't my fault. But that's the co-dependency in me, trying to make him feel better even if it goes against what I feel.

Well now that he knows what all these woman have said about him I think that will only keep him away for good. How could we ever work it out knowing what my close friends think about him? He was so upset and talking bad about these woman cause they don't have perfect marriages either. But if I was to ever say anything bad about his best friend then look out. Nevermind go into his email. He would have lost it had I done that! Sometimes if feels good to type this out, you learn alot as you type.

Thanks everybody. I guess I'm just really obsessed over my marriage that I take full responsibility for every problem we have and are having and that is not healthy. Something to talk to my MC about.

[Lll54]

Swimmingupstream,

I thought alot about this today. I need this mindset. I need to raise my self esteem. You are right. Thank you for opening my eyes up to that. I do want some power, I am equally in this just as much as him. I shouldn't have to bend over when he says to. And I do let him treat me that way, its sad. I guess mentally I think if I am this awesome, nice girl who never gets angry, never starts fights then maybe he will like to be around that.

This has ALOT to do with self esteem and until you start living for yourself and saying H stay out of my email and back off and taking your power back then he will continue to walk all over you. It is not over until it's OVER. The changes are for YOU..not HIM! He is lucky you are even speaking to him considering how he treats you..but he treats you like that because he CAN...S

Sadgirl, you just have such spunk, and attitude and independency in you its ridiculous. You give me such a spurt of energy everytime you comment. You've got it going on thats for sure!

[Lll54]

So minor update.

H called after work tonight to discuss with me his horrible day. I don't know why I have to be on the receiving end of this but I was. I guess he is getting a lot of slack about Sat. night. Some of the guys look down on how he handled himself and he is very upset. H was almost in tears about it. He said he is going to have a hard week at work and doesn't want to associate with ANYBODY after today. Pretty much blaming me for why this is happening all for the "crying" episode. I didn't say much. Not sure how to handle it. He said he'd text in a few days to see the kids and that was pretty much it..a vent session.

A couple hours later he calls again, he is at his sis's in the basement, I could tell he was really down in his voice, and asks to talk to S3. They talk, I get back on the phone to pretty much say goodbye. He is nice now again and laughs about his conversation with S3. I remind him to call his nephew as its his b-day today, and to show up to the party on saturday. He thanks me and says goodnight.

I can't help but feel sorry for him. I know he did it to himself but it kills me to hear he is so down. I just want to make him feel better. But I didn't say much. Just kind of tried to reason with the situation. But he wasn't having it, he pretty much just wanted to vent. He also made mention that he went to the banquet and was who he was and if I had been who I "say" I am now with all the progress and changes I am making then this all wouldn't have happened. Okay.

So the guy really has issues. I was done with the contact! But he just keeps calling, and calling, and calling. I'm lost. I had an okay day. And I am just keeping on.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

So minor update.

H called after work tonight to discuss with me his horrible day. I don't know why I have to be on the receiving end of this but I was.

You are because you ALLOW yourself to be.

It takes two to have a phone conversation, Britt.

Puppy

[CityGirl]

Can you help us understand why YOU feel sorry for a man that walked out on you and your two young children and blames you for every problem HE has?

We all have choices and options in life and rarely are they as black and white as a WAS paints them out to be.

You clearly have issues you need to work on, he clearly has issues he needs to work on and then (and then only) can the two of you even begin to see if you can work on your marriage issues.

Your H walked away and when he did he made the CHOICE to do so. You are offering him far too much leeway. He opted not to fully participate in the marriage so he no longer has the privilege of calling you to vent his problems, decide when he is lonely or bored enough to have "family time" nor should you be reminding him about what he has to do (see nephew for his b-day). He wanted to be single so let him be single.

You can work on your own issues and that may (or may not) change the dynamic between you and your H but you alone can't "fix" your H.

You are still looking for clues. Who cares why he cleaned the garage? The *only* thing it means is that you now have a clean garage and the appropriate response would be "thank you". Nothing more, nothing less.

The banquet fiasco happened almost a week ago and you are still rehashing it with him. Do you feel that is a way to move forward for you?

If you step back and look at things in an objective fashion perhaps you will realize that your H violated your privacy (in other words, has no respect for you) by reading your e-mail. It doesn't matter if you forgot to log out. What right did he have to read YOUR e-mail? NONE! Yet somehow you are taking the blame for his actions that were nothing short of a total violation of your privacy.

You were NOT put on this Earth to be a wife and mom. You were put on this Earth to be Brit. Being a wife and mom are beautiful parts of life but you will eventually learn they are not the *only* parts of life.

There is not a reason in the world your H needs to be calling you 3 times a night. There is not a reason in the world you should be accepting three calls in a night.

His venting phone call should have gone like this: H, sounds like you had a hard day with lots to process, I can relate. I really need to run and take care of the kids now, take care!

He has it both ways because you allow him to have it both ways. And only you can change that. Once YOU set boundaries and stick to them he will quickly realize his options are (A) dissolve your marriage or (B) work on the marriage. The whole point of handling a WAS this way is to ensure either way YOU will be okay. And you will NOT be okay if you continue to allow your WAS to call all the shots and blame you for everything.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Britt,

I hope you realize how FORTUNATE you are to have people like CityGirl, Trent, SadGirl, Coach, Ready2Change, Kettricken and others giving you such PATIENT, amazing advice.

I strongly suggest you start IMPLEMENTING some of it, because even though their patience is obviously stronger than mine, there WILL come a day when it wanes, and their posts to you (tho I'm sure not their concern) will decrease.

At some point, YOU have to do the work. I pray it will be very soon.

Puppy

[gucci loafer]

He has OW.

That is why this isn't making sense to you.

There is nothing wrong with you. You have been a wonderful loving wife that wants nothing more than her husband to love her back and to protect her and cherish her. Don't fall for that nonsense that there must be something wrong for wanting that.


We can talk all day and night about who has what issues.. It isn't going to do a bit of good until you smoke out the OW.

Men do NOT do what your man is doing UNLESS there is another woman in the picture somewhere, someplace.... No man moves to live with his sister just because his wife wants to be with him when he goes to banquets and he wants space.

As long as he knows you aren't going anywhere and he has you whenever he wants you, then this will not change much and you will continue to try and try and try to little or no results. You will be calling it a baby step when he smiles at you, while all the while he will still say he doesn't know what he wants. You have taken the challenge out of the relationship. Men respond much better to challenge and get bored with the same old same old. Your man is bored and looking for a challenge. I think you should give him exactly what he is looking for...


By the way.. He was snooping in your emails just to make sure you didn't have something else going on with another man.. (this is good) He noticed the attention you got from the other men. Good...


Find the thread from RedSoxFan.... He is the classic example of what YOUR husband is doing. He did the same types of things to his wife..... Moved out.. blah, blah, blah..

He is awake NOW.. Go back and read his behavior and what woke him up...

[Lll54]

Of course i do! I will be forever thankful for them everyday! They and you are what keep me going. I am happy to report that this morning on my way out to take the children to the dayhome I couldn't find the diaper bag anywhere, I sent out a quick text saying "Where's the diaper bag?"

Of course the man calls back " That wasn't a very nice text message..." I said I was in a hurry I just need to know where it is, no time for small talk" He explained he left it at his's sis's. I said okay no problem, in a hurry, gotta go. He said..."okay then, see ya"

Yay! I have never been that short with him, I didn't apologize for being short with him! Which is unlike me. I clearly ended the conversation...wow it felt good.

Thanks again everybody. Seems like I'm hot and cold too. Hopefully I can stick with the cold for a while. Today is another good start!

[RedHeadWife]

Britt, I second what PDT is saying to you.

I would suggest you go back & really re-read this entire thread & all the awesome advice you have been receiving. You are being led through this nightmare by these people, but you are not choosing to take their hands & follow them.

I truly wish I had all of these people back when I was in my sitch.

I HAVE to say this to you: DO NOT end up like me -- still in my M, but now a lot resentful that I did not stand up more to my H while he was insisting on D'ing me. If I could go back & go through my sitch again, I would handle it a whole lot differently and it would look a lot like what YOU need to be doing right now.

Learn to love yourself again just for you. Learn that you will be ok if you end up by yourself. Don't worry about whether you will ever meet someone who wants you w/ 2 kids now before that even happens (I can remember thinking the same thing).

Stand up for yourself and, in the long run, you are going to be in a better place than you were before your H even dropped the bomb on you. Back before he dropped the bomb, you were completely entangled and dependent on your H and YOUR ENTIRE BEING was being a mom & a wife. THAT'S NOT ALL YOU HAVE TO BE.

Remember who you were before you got married. Would that girl have put up w/ this sh*t? Or would she have stood up for herself and did what she needed to do to make her own sitch what it needed to be w/ or w/o her H.

My H & I actually got into a pretty big argument last night. Doesn't happen very often. It ended up getting pretty deep & he FINALLY after 3 yrs admitted to me that he was resenting me and why prior to his first A.

I actually told him last night that I wish I had stood up to him more during our sitch. I looked him straight in the eye and told him that the girl he married wouldn't have put up w/ the sh*t he put me through. But I did take it, rolled over and allowed him to pull all the shots and, to this day, I STILL don't know who I am. I didn't take the time during the D sitch to figure that out again.

Right now, you are in an awesome position to figure out who you are and who you want to be -- JUST YOU. Then whether H comes back or not, you are comfortable w/ you and happy w/ you no matter what happens.