Gucci and Robx...U 2 got a min. to weigh in???

[ginab1966]

So, without going into too much history and backstory, here is an update on where things are. Before I do I just want to say without all of you who have given advice and listened as I typed, I would not be in the place I am right now. The advice I have been given and the amount of support, love and care is just simply invaluable.

After my last posts I really took a “dark” stance on M. I detached as much as I was capable of and focused on me and my daughter only. I watched my H sink into a state that I hadn’t seen him in in a very long time and I didn’t follow him to that dark place. I took DD and did things with her and made meals only for myself, didn’t ask if he needed money…I just basically let the rope loosen a bit. I was not in a place, nor am I still, to let the rope go entirely. My self-esteem and self love is still a little too fragile and in it’s infancy for that. But I am so proud of how I have been handeling myself. I have so much more respect for this woman who sits typing. So many people say that DB’ing isn’t for wimps and I have found strength that I never, ever knew that I had in me. You all helped me to see that and your stories and advice has led me there.

This past Monday, my husband came to me and told me what has been going on with him and honestly opened up to me in a way he has never done before. It took a long, long time for him to get his first sentence out but when he did, it just flowed out of him. This is the long and short of it.

1. OW was never out of the picture as I had been told. He has maintained contact, both on the phone and in person since July (when he promised not to). They have been to dinner, seen each other at bowling, texted, phoned, etc.
2. He hasn’t had any contact w/ her in 3 weeks.
3. He felt he had to tell me to clear his conscience and so that he could finally put OW to bed. He feels really guilty, a lot of self hatred and that’s why he told me on 10/28 that he still wanted a divorce. He said, in his mind it was easier to say that than to actually come clean. He is extremely ashamed of his behavior.
4. He is completely committed to working on our marriage and wants to be in a strong, stable, healthy, loving relationship.
5. He wants to see a relationship/ADHD coach to help him understand why he is/was behaving the way he is and get on a new med/therapy program. He doesn’t think he has his emotional/mental issues under control.
6. He admitted that OW is just a fantasy. That the “high” he gets from that situation is just the new, shiny, happy, fuzzy thing that happens at the beginning of all relationships and it will not last. That he’s just looking for the “fix”. He sees the insanity of pursuing her and losing us.
7. He acknowledged that he sees changes in me and says that what his going on with him and his disrespect of our marriage has very little to do with me but he’s blaming me none the less and that’s going to stop because I deserve better.

To all of this I said “It really must be hard to feel so lost and such a sense of guilt and self loathing. That said, I can’t help you find your way. You have to find it. I will participate in your recovery as necessary but I won’t guide you to it and place you there. You have to seek it and work it. I also will not tolerate a 3rd person in our marriage. You need to know if you see/speak to her again, our marriage is over. You have to give me some time to process all of what you have just told me so I’d like to just sit on this for awhile and I’ll let you know when I want to talk. As far as your commitment, words are cheap and actions are where it’s at so don’t give me empty promises. They sound nice but I’m not nieve. I know the difference between an act of love and loving words. The act means 10 times more to me.”

It ended there. I’ve been processing stuff but to be honest, I am still a little numb. Many of you said the OW was still there but I just didn’t want to see it. I want this marriage to work and I want to try and learn to trust. I also think I need to work on me more before I go gung ho. There is still so much of me and my behavior that I need to work on. But, this may be the start of the healing, I don’t know…..guess we’ll just have to see.

I also think that Oldtimer is right, I will move over to the infedelity board. That's the reality of it. I was unfaithful and so was he. It doesn't matter who kept going, we both failed each other. I've been at this a LONG time now and I'm no longer a newbie.

Peace,

Gina B