Looks like I might soon be LBS...newcomer here

[Gnosis]

BIM, I too took the time to read your entire thread today. These are my thoughts (please bear with me):

About your H:

You constantly lied to him for 20 years. For him to constantly and persistently ask you about the OM during your relationship. This means that he either suspected something or someone told him about the event. That's 20 years that you swore left, right and center you had told him the truth. You were very convincing during this time. When you finally came clean it caused him to question and doubt EVERYTHING you have ever said.

His trust was shattered. He views the history you've shared together built on the foundation of lies.

However:

This DOES NOT excuse him stepping out of the marriage and having an affair of his own. No matter how he tries to justify it to himself.

About his behavior: What Gardener has written is spot on.

You are allowing yourself to be abused, punished, terrorized and victimized because of your guilt. You say you will remain in this marriage for the good of your boys. Its time for you to question how "good" this is for your boys. They are being raised in a toxic environment where there father is teaching them to disrespect, abuse and victimize women. They are being taught that this is what it means to "love your wife". This is the example that is being set for them.

It's been said (by you too I believe) that one is judged by their actions and not so much their words. Please LOOK at your husbands actions and SEE what your children are being taught. The way he is behaving is going to affect their own relationships later on in life.

When the time comes, and you are ready for it, an option is to sit down with your H and talk. This is a last resort... and the conversation should go along these lines, "H, I realize that I hurt you throughout the relationship by not telling you the truth. I accept the responsibility for that. What you should also realize is that I am not the only betrayed party. YOU cheated on ME where I have NEVER cheated on you. It's time for you to own that too. I am at my wit's end here cannot continue living like this and watching you destroy our children with you emotional and mental abuse. Either we both take steps forward to reconcile our relationship or we go our separate ways. The only way I know how to finally prove to you that I have not lied about anything else in our marriage is to take a polygraph test. I am willing to do that for you. However, that does not give you a "get out of jail free" card. You're going to have to put something in too - and that means counseling. The choice is yours: Either tear this family apart or work on repairing the damage. I have nothing more to say. You have one week to come to a decision. If you do not come back to me with an answer then I will take this as a 'no' and will proceed accordingly."

Let me repeat, the conversation in quotes is your last resort and you should be FULLY prepared to follow through with your decision. It's not guaranteed to work BIM but it may be worth a shot. You cannot continue like this. It is destroying you and your children. Also, before you do this conversation, make sure you have had legal counsel and are aware of your rights.

Filing for D is not the end of the world. Look at all the WAW's here... their H's only woke up when they saw that WAW was serious and committed to leaving.

I sincerely wish the best for you.