I posted in the newcomers but needed advice

[P17]

I'm glad I could help. I feel I take so much from this forum and give little back!

HE should be the one BEGGING for ME to take HIM back!!!!!

Yes and no. I know what you mean but he shouldn't be begging. He needs to show you that he wants to be in the marriage and will do what he needs to do do it. But bear in mind when he gets to the stage where he is willing to do that he will be opening himself up for rejection, humiliation, retaliation etc. His head and heart needs to know that when they open those doors up to you that you are not going to simply put your hand inside and crush what's left of his heart. That's not going to easy for him to do or you to do.

You need to make him aware that when is ready to talk, he can do in a safe way without any judgement. His reasons, actions and explanations are going to seem ridiculous, irrational and illogical but if that's how he feels then he needs to get that out of himself.

However that doesn't mean being a doormat. It means just caring and loving him without feeling the need to fix or control him.

In the meantime, I am backing off and giving him space. If he chooses to trust me and talk to me going forward then great..and if not..HIS LOSS!

I think giving him space is a good idea, for YOU. What he chooses to do with the time is up to him. Focus on you and not him.

Same with the ring..personally I think it bothers him a bit that he is not wearing it..oh and he did give it back to me..

That was probably another way to hurt you. Giving back 'presents', gifts, wedding rings. At least that was my take on it. What we normally do when somebody tries to give us something like that is to tell them it was a gift and theirs and then the 'you take it, no you take it' conversations. Just keep it. If / when he's ready he'll ask for it back. Don't ever offer it though.

P17--Thank you! I am going to try to validate his feelings and maybe in time he can change.[/quote]

You need to remember that maybe in time he won't change though. If you keep focusing on yourself (and maybe I should take my own advice) then by that time you will at least be strong enough to decide what it is you want or cope with who he has become or the decision he has made.

The alcohol problem---that is a HUGE problem..and his past that he has not dealt with..

If it were me, I would make this priority number 1 to deal with. No reconciliation until he has sorted himself. The road to recovery for him won't be straight or flat but if he does come out the other side you may find you have an H back that knows and understands himself a lot better in all aspects of his life. It may help your M.