Our M has been going downhill for a long long time. I am not sure where I should begin... Married for 6 years, together for 13, 2 kids age 2 and 4.
Usually it gets to the point where I feel like I am walking on eggshells, monitoring what I say to avoid conflict, hardly talking to each other, no physical touching and I feel like everything I do is wrong.
So, about 3 weeks ago, I said to my H that something needs to change (we have had this talk before). We can't go on living like this. I want us to be together but what we are doing is not working. For the first time, he admitted he has thought about D, selling the house and going our separate ways. When we had R talks in the past, he would say he was not going anywhere and had no plans of leaving. He also basically gave me the ILYBNILWY talk. He loves me for the fact he has 2 beautiful DD by me but is not attracted to me anymore.
Said he was depressed in summer but now sees thing clearly. I knew something was up as he started smoking again (H got defesive when I questioned his purchases on CC statement which I figured were cigs) but did not think he was depressed. He said he talked to someone (won't tell me who, I only asked once) and he said they validated his reasoning and way of thinking.
Since this talk, we have not discussed our R again.
Back in march, I asked him if he wanted to go to MC. He said no. He did not need to have someone tell him what he already knows. And that he is tired of trying. (I look back and think what did he do to try?.... whatever he did, it went unnoticed to me.)
When we argue, he tends to raise his voice and yell and then I cry. I tune him out, I do not focus on the words or point he is trying to make, I just hear the angry tone in his voice. He complains he has told me many times but I never listen. I have to agree with him but I have a hard time focusing when he is so angry especially we he says hurtful things.
As far a sleeping arrangements, we have hardly slept together in the same bed for 4 years. When DD1 was born, all 3 of us co-slept together . Then when DD2 was born, DD1 went to her own bed, I slept most of my nights in the nursery and H had bed to himself. Then DD2 moved into our bed and H left b/c he said there was no room in the king bed. So finally just before DD2 turned 2 in Aug, I moved her into her bed but H did not come back into our bed for a long time. He admitted part of his reason was that he did not feel that close to me. He is back in bed with me most nights, but there are times where he moves back into the spare room.
Since our 1st DD was born, I have not been my old self. Over tired, overwhelmed. H is not that hands on with the kids. Rarely got up with the kids at night, put them to bed, diaper changed, etc... He never would say let me look after the kids so you can have some time to yourself. In all this time, he has never taken the iniative and planned any date nights.
I could ramble on and on and on.... Anyway, I am still waiting for my copy of DR and His needs/her needs but have read 5 love languages.
I can't seem to bring myself to talk to anyone about this yet. Hopefully this post will help me.
First off, I am sorry you find yourself here. But, this is a fantastic place for advice, support and, sometimes, a place just to vent.
Since you have already ordered DR, I know you will tear through it. It is a great book, as is His Needs, Her Needs and 5 LL's.
It sounds like you guys have communication issues. Quite frankly, I suspect that's present in just about everyone's situations here (mine included).
It also sounds like your self esteem is not where it should be. It's ok, I was there too. But, it is something you must address. If you are not happy with yourself, there's no way you can be happy with anyone else.
The pattern you describe in your situation, with H not telling you anything was up for a while, is, sadly, very common. If you read other's situations, you will see that in MANY, if not most.
I know you are probably pretty down right now, but things will get better. I have made some dramatic improvements in my life throughout this process. Things I never would have imagined. Many of the suggestions in DB'ing, and on these boards, will seem counter-intuitive, b/c they are. But, they work. You just have to have faith.
For now, the most important thing is to stop any and all discussion/actions your H might perceive as pursuit by you. Pursuit = pressure, and it will only drive your H away faster. So, while it will be hard, stop. What your H needs most right now is space.
Another suggestion I will give you, and one that everyone here seems to agree on, is DO NOT MOVE OUT of the house. If he moves out, you can't control it, but you stay put, unless there is an issue of physical harm, etc. (which I did not hear in your post).
Also, you should refuse to engage in any discussion with him that turn into him yelling at you. No one deserves that kind of treatment, and it is not productive. If he begins yelling, tell him you very calmly you will not have a yelling match with him and unless he stops yelling, you will walk out. That yelling is disrespectful, and you will no longer tolerate it. If he continues to yell at you, calmly walk out of the room. This should be a boundary issue for you.
Here is a list I found from another poster here early on in my situation, and it has always helped me:
1. Don't panic. No-one ever made a great decision when in panic. You WILL panic, it's natural, but take NO ACTION when you are in that state. You have to do whatever it takes to calm down before you can tackle ANYTHING.
2. Don't despair. No-one ever got divorced in a week. Divorce, although too easy these days still take time. you DO have time to turn things about.
3. You first step is not to rebuild your R. Of course it's your ultimate aim but it's not going to happen first. Your very first step is to put the seed of doubt in WAS's mind. They have been unhappy and they consider D to be the answer. It's your job to show them that maybe there is an alternative. And I stress show. There is little you can do to talk them out of this beyond sympathysing with their unhappiness and saying that IF D will make them happy then you won't stand in their way. If they are receptive to that, you could go further and say something like "we have had many good times together. Please think about this and make sure it really will make you happy. It's a lot to throw away".
4. Once you have said this back off and let them consider it. They need time. Your next step is GAL - no begging, crying or anger AT ALL. Your task is now part 2 of sowing the seeds of doubt about D - SHOWING WAS that things can be different. Now is the time to step back, put aside your ego and all thoughts of how unfair it all is (that just leads to bitterness, which is poison to a M) and REALLY look at yourself and decide if you are worthy of being WAS's spouse. I agree a M breakdown is rarely one sided but at this juncture it's more useful to look at your contribution. Look at yourself. Under a microscope. Decide if you've changed - are you happy with yourself, for you? Make changes. Now is the time for 180's. This stage also takes a long time too.
5. Time, time, time - it really IS on your side. The situation will not resolve as quickly as you hope. Don't compare your situation in terms of time with others'. It's very tempting to say "well, their situation is similar to mine and it took them 6 months so it will take me 6 months". Each situation is unique and needs its own time frame.
6. Set your goals and decide on your first signs. This part took me a couple of months to really "get". I had to REALLY read chapter 6 of DR from "I'm discouraged" then go and review my goals before I saw any results.
7. Develop a duck's back - water slides off it. Patience + lack of panic = success.
8. Set goals for yourself as well as the R. Decide on what you want to achieve for you alone and reward your success. I know this sounds like step 4 again but it's more a case of making the changes rather than lamenting how awful you are. (I felt awful about myself for some time - bad and guilty. I did me no favours whatsoever, ended up with me feeling resentment. Much better to look forward than back - as Michelle says, look for solutions and take action)
9. Keep in mind that your actions could be frightening to WAS - you are not reacting in the way they wanted. They had this D all mapped out in their head and it's not panning out the way they thought. This has the added benefit that it leads them to think "if this isn't going the way I planned then maybe it isn't right", but it will take them a LONG TIME to come to this conclusion, to let go of their D comfort blanket. You can help them by being consistent with the positive changes. If you revert back to the you they find unacceptable then they feel perfectly justified in continuing with the D.
10. This is going to be tough on you. In the ideal world, couples in crisis would sit down together and negotiate together and accept that change was possible. In reality, you are very unlikely to resolve your problem in this way, almost certianly not in the early stages. You are not giong to have the luxury of a spouse who will listen to you and accept what you say. You are going to be in extreme pain. You have to find something to soothe this. To have your WAS would work like a shot, but you ain't going to get this in a hurry. Do whatever it takes to comfort yourself - write a diary, see friends, go places, take the kids out if you have them, take exercise - anything. Your aim is to find something which makes you say "well, the rest of my life may be turning to sh*t but at least this part of it's OK". It acts as a time out for you and relieves the stress.
Thanks for the advice GIMA. Much appreciated. I have been feeling pretty down the last few days and have been having trouble sleeping.
H actually had to go away last week for business (something he has not done in years) and I was so relaxed when he was away and we talked more than we normally would have if he was home. Three days before he left, he moved into the spare bedroom but when he came back, he was back in our bed. He actually asked what me and girls did during the day and said he missed us. H very rarely asks how my day went or what we do. I have stopped telling him about our day unless he inquires.
H actually had to go away last week for business (something he has not done in years). . . Three days before he left, he moved into the spare bedroom but when he came back, he was back in our bed. He actually asked what me and girls did during the day and said he missed us. H very rarely asks how my day went or what we do.
Any idea why he suddenly had to go away on business?
Do you think there might be another woman involved?
Hi Puppy, It was legit business. He used to have to go there all the time before kids but now he is mostly in the city.
Whether of not there is another woman, I don't think so but you never know. I did ask in March in one of our arguments and he said no but what else would he say. But I have wondered if there might be EA. He is a big online gamer and basically is on the computer all the time if he is at home. From the time he says good night to the girls around 7 until he goes to bed, he is plugged in. It would be pretty easy for him to chat with someone online.
I have snooped a bit on his computer but have not found anything. He is more tech savvy than I. Can't check his cell, as it is a company phone. And I never feel good when I snoop.
You can put a keylogger like eBlaster on his computer (he won't be able to detect it), and you'll know soon enough.
Don't do it, however, unless you feel you can handle what you might find out. I just want you to be careful. I saw warning signs, and that was BEFORE you told me what you just did about all the time he's spending online.
Don't think a keylogger would be up my alley. Plus he has too many devices to check. 3 computers and ipodtouch.
A few weeks ago, he went out with the guys (night before friend's wedding), after dinner ended guys went out for drinks and he said he went to the beach and was not home till after midnight. Did not ask him what he did at the beach. I found this very odd. Red flag??
The next day we went to our friends wedding. I made sure I looked good. I had not been out in a very long time or seen some of our friends in a couple of years. I had the best compliment from a male friend and it felt so good. And I had the best time out. I have not heard a compliment from H this year. Closest thing would be something like “girls, did you say you liked mom's new hair”.
The night he moved to the spare room, I accidently touched him when I was reaching in the cupboard. He flinched. That made me feel like crap. I need to learn to let these type of things go –like water off a ducks back.
In general, I make a point to say good night to H and give him a kiss goodnight (nothing more passionate then what you give your grandma). If he goes to bed first, he never seeks me out.
The next day we went to our friends wedding. I made sure I looked good. I had not been out in a very long time or seen some of our friends in a couple of years. I had the best compliment from a male friend and it felt so good. And I had the best time out.
I bet that did feel good! Keep doing things that make YOU feel good. When I am dressed my best, I feel great.
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I accidentally touched him when I was reaching in the cupboard. He flinched. That made me feel like crap. I need to learn to let these type of things go –like water off a ducks back.
YES, let them roll off you. His issues not yours.
I bet you are starving for touch. Touch is one of my love languages. I get my bucket filled with massage, pedicures, haircuts , etc. Helps a lot. And my friends and kids give great hugs.
Quote:
In general, I make a point to say good night to H and give him a kiss goodnight (nothing more passionate then what you give your grandma). If he goes to bed first, he never seeks me out.
How is that working for you?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
